Category: Coping Strategies Page 1 of 2

How to break free from the drama triangle

In Coping Strategies, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self-Development

I was moved by the Channel 4 documentary on Hunting the Football Trolls featuring Jermaine Jenas. He had bravely spoken openly about his emotions and feelings on being targeted for racial slurs and hateful messages on social media. I applaud his bravery for speaking out. It brought it home to me how people could dehumanise others so easily, especially those that they do not know personally. It made me wonder how someone could objectify others without conscience.

I understand racism, prejudices and discrimination because I had endured the pain and hurt myself, as a child growing up in the UK. I had never known it before, in Thailand where I was born. However, I had grown up thinking that as a minority, it must have been something that we (as the minorities) had to put up with. Not many people speak out about it thirty years ago. Not that I recalled. It was not okay then, and it is still not okay now. I am thankful that more and more people are spoken up about it.

In this blog, I want to share my intrapsychic processes in dealing with any persons who objectify others. If you have been a subject of hate on social media or in person, you might find these processes helpful too. If you are experiencing racial attacks in your daily life, again, it might help to learn that you, too, can overcome their racial prejudices.

In my experience, I found that individuals who personally attack others at their core being have a deficiently low sense of self-worth within themselves. They do not want others to know this and will put up a front by attacking others. After all, no one is going to be looking or noticing them. I had come to realise that the bullies were often bullied by others, and they were simply repeating learned helplessness behaviours by bullying, discriminating, racially attacking you. They had learned that they didn’t have a choice and was helpless to accept the situation. At their core being, they may feel insecure and hurting. They mimic the unacceptable behaviours believing that it must be powerful to do the bullying to others.

Just a caution, the hypotheses below offers a psychological perspective of an inner working on one’s mind, both as a sufferer and as the perpetrator. It is not an excuse for any individuals and especially those that cause harm to others. It is a subjective supposition based on my experiences as a sufferer and from learned experiences with perpetrators. The purpose of highlighting their perspectives is to understand the underlying behaviours and the roles they inadvertently played in the “drama triangle”. The drama created in an insecure person is inadvertently played out in reality as they co-create the inner world, in the real world.

Introducing drama triangle?

The drama triangle is a psychological model that was first described by Stephen Karpman in 1961, who was a student of Eric Berne, the founding father of Transactional Analysis developed in the 1950s. Karpman explained the insidious nature of the psyche in which we all, unconsciously, play a part in the game of life. He went on to explain how we can fall victim to the roles in our life script. He also described how we could all get caught in the destructive cycle and struggle to break free from its toxic enmeshment. It did not begin with ourselves, but you can end the maintaining cycle. You do have a choice!

The purpose of discussing this theorem is not about blame but rather to highlight that we are all subjected to learned helplessness in its dysfunctional social interactions, which has increasingly become a problem in modern societies, especially on online social media platforms.

As mentioned at the beginning of this article, it begins with online abuse, trolling, hateful and abusive messages (directly or indirectly). It begins in the dysfunctional household in which warmth, love, and compassion are missing. It starts as self-defecation, self-loathing and self-hatred, and then it spreads outwards out of our pores infecting and targeting others. It was negatively reinforced into our being from adverse parental experiences of our parents. They may have been unconsciously ‘acting out’ what was normal within their household. And until we have an awareness of our misbehaving, we remain oblivious of our behaviours towards others. Let’s take a closer look at each of the roles in the drama that we participated in and helped co-created.

“We have a choice about the roles that we play in the game of life. Which part will you choose to play in your next role?”

As the victim (the suffers)

Generally, no one willingly, readily or consciously chooses to be a victim. It is something that is forced or happens to us. The sufferer often feels trapped, helpless and hopeless to do something about the situation. Especially when the abuse is online, social media sites are not proactive in dealing with the abuse. And especially, after you reported the abuse you may not see any real changes.

Being victimised predominantly begin in childhood. As a child, you may feel trapped when you are told off, reprimanded or abused by someone older/bigger and more powerful, usually a parent or an older sibling. As you internalised, you inadvertently assumed being powerless because you are smaller and have no power. You question your sense of worth and wonder why it happened to you. If you had no choice and could not venture out on your own, and you had to stay in a dysfunctional environment, it leaves you vulnerable to defend yourself against future attacks. You become learned helpless in situations and seek out other destructive engagements because it was familiar. This internalisation happens unconsciously to you. You had unwittingly become a victim because of your negative childhood experiences, negative reinforcement, abuse and cruelty.

Being a victim DID NOT begin with you.

As the perpetrator (the abuser)

Individuals who were brought up in an abusive, oppressive, hostile, and critical environment may have inadvertently fallen into being a victim initially. They had helplessly learned what was normal in the abnormal and dysfunctional family system. They learned from their caregivers and mirrored their role as an abuser and persecutor. They learned to punish others by abusing them, to hurt others just as they were hurt.

These individuals blame their victims for their own weaknesses. As a child, we could not and do not blame our parents for their misbehaving and misguided parenting. The child magically believed that their parents are Gods, according to John Bradshaw On the Family. The concept of magically thinking describes how a child idealises their parents within the family system. The child would not and could blame themselves as their cognitive functions are still developing. And if the child does not learn to take responsibility for their actions, they will grow up and continue to blame others for their flaws. Individuals with toxic and negative nurturing experience externalised behaviours such as physical aggression, verbal abuse, relational aggression, hate and acting out any forms of hostility and violence, physically, mentally, psychologically or verbally.

The majority of a bully or an abuser has been the subject of abuse themselves, which may be why they bully or abuse others to make themself feel superior, and to feel powerful. This is not an excuse because some people who were bullies had not resorted to becoming one themselves.

As the Rescuer (the helper)

Individuals who identify themselves as a rescuer will attempt to help the sufferers and intervene to save them from the bullies or the abusers. They suffer enormously from guilt if they do not interfere. They have a positive intention to help the person, but they could not see the consequence of their behaviours and may often worsen the situation. This individual has a strong desire to protect others, but it can keep the victim arrested in their development as they become dependent on the person to fight their battle.

The Rescuer has a propensity to focus on helping and failing to see their unconscious gains. These unconscious gains include being good because one is needed or wanted, feeling important, feeling God-like, and feeling helpful or valuable, all of which satisfy the egoic mind.

I had been bullied, verbally and mentally. I was bullied in the first two years of secondary school, and I found a way to stand up to the bullies. I was bullied because I was Thai and looked essentially different to the majority of white children in the class. I was a minority and could not speak English. It seemed like I was the easy target! As the only oriental at school, I was objectified and depersonalised.

It has not been on my conscience to pay it forward at any stage because I believed in karma. I remember thinking that it would not be fair to treat others in the same way because I didn’t like it. Thus, it is not always the case that those who were bullied become a bully.

I had been a victim; however, I never felt sorry for myself or thought why me. I thought, what’s wrong with you, rather than what’s wrong with me? What happened to you to be so mean? How did you come to be full of rage and hate? In cases of individuals who target others for their appearances, specifically online, they think it is safe to hide behind their masks and the internet. These individuals dehumanise, criticise and devalue someone often because they projected something they disliked within themselves onto others. It is far easier to mock them than it is to knock ourselves.

I had never been a perpetrator. It did not sit well with me morally, and I had never consciously wished harm onto another. If I was with someone that bullies others, I removed myself from the toxic person. If I don’t like something to be done unto me, I would not want it done onto thee. I considered the hurt and pain of the catcalls, and I cannot put anyone through any form of (verbal or physical) abuse. I do not want bad karma or the negative consequences of the law of attraction.

I am a rescuer. I want to help others and it was unsurprising that I am a counsellor/therapist. However, I had been compromised and thought that my good intentions were helpful and useful to others. It is true that there is a sense of satisfaction in helping and being in service of others. But, it can be a hinder to their development and growth if you take away the learning experiences for the individual.

“We learn by making mistakes. We learn from our pain and suffering. In light of those experiences, we grow and thrive as a unique spiritual being.”

How to break out of the drama triangle?

Here are some helpful tips on how to break free from the drama triangle. It is never too late to choose another role. You just need to remember that you DO have a choice. So, choose wisely.

Recognise your position in the drama triangle

Recognising whereabout you are on the drama triangle will help you to be aware of your role when you are relating to others. When you recognise your part, you can decide if playing in the triangle is helpful to you. We are all participants in the game of life, and how we play depends on our chosen role. We can challenge any position in life if they are no longer helpful. Once you realise that you have a choice, you can work toward breaking free from the confinement of the outdated role and step out of the drama triangle into a life worth living.

Be mindful and ask first, challenge later

When you are mindful of others, you are less likely to jump to any form of illusion about what was said or who said what. On social media, we can easily misread, misunderstand and mis-take things the wrong way. In a mindful state, you will be prone to ask questions to find what more about what or why it was said. You would consider whether you understood the content or that the other person miscommunicated. Say: When you said that, what did you mean? Why did you say that?… I was hurt, upset, etc. What you said was untrue, insensitive, rude, hurtful etc.; why did you make those personal remarks? If you can be bothered to respond to the attackers. It is also safer and kinder to yourself to report, blocking them from seeing their contents entirely.

Be curious

Curiosity is one of the core traits of our inner child. Curiosity gives us a sense of inquisitiveness to explore further what someone meant. Communication is a two-way process, and misunderstanding can happen when we relate to each other, especially in writing. Curiosity requires an investigation and encourages further dialogue. If you are being bullied, ask the bullier why they are bullying you? Say: When you said that, it upsets me, hurt me; etc. When you spoke to me that way or write those things about me, I felt humiliated, shame, or that I felt bullied, etc.

Stand firm and stand tall

When you stand up for yourself against a bully, they may retaliate in response to your behavioural change. Your behaviour has consequences on others, just as you are influenced by another. However, standing firm and standing tall against any form of bullies or injustice is about facing up to and confronting the other. It is not an easy thing to do especially if it is unfamiliar to you. But, standing up for yourself may also be demonstrated in your body language, without words. Often when most of us face someone with bullish behaviour, we politely walk away. But, this might be an opportunity to stand your ground and test out your stance. It might be a look that says, you cannot treat me that way. It might be your long gaze at the person as they misbehaved. You can also consciously broadcast messages that say something like, you will not stand to be bullied, abused, violated, dehumanised, devalued etc. These are unspoken thoughts and convictions of your inner voice, speaking loudly in your psyche, directly project to the person as you continue to look at the individual. Standing firm online might include reporting it to the social media platform and the police. Standing firm might also include responding to the bullies and shaming them online and making them a focus rather than you.

Rewind! And Be kind

Kindness acts is a gesture of love for others. It shows that you are mindful and considerate of others, but not over your own needs. Kindness is powerful in relationship building and helps diffuse even the hardened mind. Kindness act is a balance of being considered and being equally important. A kind word can help lift someone’s day. Imagine how a kind act can help the person.

Making a change is never easy but it is not impossible. You can unlearn the way you used to do things, and relearn to do it differently. It may be unfamiliar to you but like anything worth doing, it will be rewarding.

As a final note, I just want to add that it is never okay to mistreat any other living beings. It is never acceptable to devalue, objectify, (verbally, mentally or physically) abuse or dehumanise anyone. After all, how would you like it if it happened to you?

It did not start with you, but it can end with you; you can change your beliefs, your mindset and your behaviours about something or someone. You can be the person who breaks the mould. Break the archaic societal rules embedded in the collective unconsciousness of rage or hate. Breakfree and break away from the racial, discriminatory and prejudiced trance.

Feeling safe and secure

In Anxiety & Fears, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Emotions, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Wellness

One of the conditions in modern societies that often contributes to stress and anxieties is feeling insecure, threatened, or unsafe. There are many other factors to stress, anxiety and emotional disturbances. But, I want to address issues close to my heart; intrapsychic safety and security. I want to specifically address feeling unsafe and insecure.

Feeling unsafe intrapsychically will inevitably convert to maladaptive behaviours and compulsivity. Feeling insecure intrapsychically often lead to a lack of confidence in one’s own abilities and skills and distrustful of others, and the world.

Generally, feelings are my friend, and I have made acquaintances with almost all of my emotions. I had come to accept feelings and emotions as a part of my experiences to be felt. I had embraced and incorporated feelings and emotions within my being. I have also allowed myself to mindfully and consciously express the feeling felt. I had even released inherited, trapped and preconception emotions, as well as unblocking heart-wall emotions. I had healed compound and post-traumatic emotional reverberation too. But, as an empath, I had learned the hard way how my feelings can still affect me, and most importantly, how other people’s emotions also impacted me. I had occasionally absorbed other people’s emotional resonances, and I had allowed that to affect me.

Feeling unsafe and insecure are intrapsychic emotions. They are the core woundings from a less than ideal early environment in childhood. But, we do not have to let the past define the present or the future. These feelings often stemmed from inconsistency, chaotic and dismissive attachment patterns from our caregivers. But, they are not to blame because they too were the victim of their core woundings.

Feeling unsafe arises when our external environment was hostile and threatening. A child may feel unsafe when their sense of self is physically or emotionally threatened. A child will also feel unsafe, lonely and abandoned when the caregiver is absent or when she is left alone for an extended period. If there is no one to mirror our being, we can lose sight of our beingness. The experiences can trigger body-memory retention, and their physiological response is usually a hypersensitivity to threats in the exterior world. Their fight/flight/freeze response is constantly on the alert and they are hypervigilant to fearful arousal. Imagine the toll this has on the body when it is permanently on alert.

Feeling insecure, succeed feeling unsafe. When feeling insecure, a child feels awkward and inadequate in their abilities, skills and resources. The child lacks confidence, have doubts and distrusts themself, others and the world. Thus, the child will grow up to seek validation from the exterior world, thinking it would soothe their inner sanctum. When we are insecure about ourselves, we compensate for the lacking by constantly looking for ways to feel safe and secure. We also compensate by avoiding situations or people, and we may become controlling, adopting perfectionistic traits, or have obsessive-compulsive behaviours. We will often look for what is missing within outside of ourselves. We do this by collecting (material) things, including having people around us that makes us feel good. Unfortunately, we will not fully soothe that void looking externally when our intrapsychic world is unsafe.

When I feel unsafe going someplace new, I used to make sure that I was early to the event. I would make sure that I arrived at least half an hour before the meeting to have time to settle down and relaxed. This behaviour allows me to feel like I was in control and it was a way of alleviating the discomfort, rather than looking at what was the cause. My strategy was to find ways to have control of situations or events. It was a strategy that worked for a time. Eventually, I had to look within to self-soothe.

In the perpetual cycle of self-fulling prophecy, a person seeks ways to feel safe and secure when feeling unsafe and insecure. However, you can find a way to self-soothe and settle the insecurity within the psyche. Here’s the good news. There are ways in which you can help yourself.

Here are some of the tools and techniques to help you build confidence, esteem and worth. They worked for me and I hope that they work for you too.

Make time for Self-care

Always put yourself first, you matter the most! This is not a selfish thought, but rather a self-care process. You have to look after number one (YOU). You have to move past caring for others first. Undoubtedly, we were conditioned to be considered, to be nice, to be kind to others. We were told to think of others, to be helpful and to be thoughtful of others. We were taught to believe that it matters what others think about us. But, in so doing, we neglected our own needs and care. I certainly thought that if I was helpful, nice and kind, somehow, I would feel safe in being altruistic.

However, it is more important that you treat yourself kindly through self-care rituals than being concerned with other’s people opinions. Self-care ritual is not simply just taking care of yourself physically, but also mentally too. Self-care mental constructs include positive words of affirmation for yourself, have compassion for mistakes of past events, and forgive yourself. For example, I have positive confirmations post-it notes all around the house to remind me of the positive qualities such as “I am safe!”, “I am comfortable in my skin!” etc.

Stop making excuses and start doing

When our external world is unsafe, we introspect and come to believe that our inner world is too. As we continue to think this way, we start to look for ways to feel safe and be safe. We tend to see threats when there are none. We make excuses for people, things and situations to minimise the threat, which may be imaginary. We may make excuses to change our behaviours and our mindsets because we are complacent in the familiar. This can keep us stuck in hypervigilant behaviours.

Change is inevitable and we should embrace it. If you have a resistance to change, start with something small. Perhaps begin with a small change of routine, such as change the direction to work. Walk on a different side of the road! When we start to take these small steps to change it gets easier.

Reframe the way you think

What we think, we will manifest because it was impressed in the mind. If you think that you are not safe, lacking in confidence or not worthy you are essentially broadcasting this unconsciously. We don’t consciously mean to send out these unconscious perceptions but we do, and we project it.

Have you ever experience discomfort or uneasiness in a situation with someone and you don’t know why? It is possible that that person had unconsciously broadcast messages to your unconsciousness. You cannot see it but it is there. Just like the radiowaves being broadcasted from a radio station, you cannot see the radio wave but it is there nonetheless.

Reframing your thinking style simply means reverting the way you think. If you tend to be pessimistic, revert this to be optimistic. It is simply about changing your automatic thoughts and make them conscious. You will need to watch what you think to reframe your thoughts. If you often find yourself saying that you cannot do something, change this to you can! It is about fake it until you make it.

Remind yourself that you are loved

When we feel unsafe, threatened or insecure it is often because the love is not there. Our feelings begin internally as a result of an external stimulus that we introject, but we could also be absorbing other’s people energy and emotion, unconsciously. We can protect ourselves and keep safe by reminding ourselves that we are loved. We are loved by God. We are loved by the Higher Power. We are loved and we can draw power from the universe to recharge our battery, just as we recharge our body through grounding.

We simply need to visualise ourselves being loved, imagine feeling loved, feeling protected and feeling safe within the loving embrace. Try it, find a quiet place, be still and silent. Close your eyes and imagine feeling loved. Even if you have not experienced love in your reality, you can still imagine what it would be like to have loving feelings for yourself. It might help to think about what you love, to experience loving feelings.

I love my inner child! I imagine her face, the innocent, the bright eyes and I recalled other special features to help me feel that love. It might help if you have a photo of the child that you were. Really see her/him. Feel the love for her/him. Take as long as you need. You will know the experience of love when tears well up in your eyes. It might take some practising especially if your experiences of love was absent or hostile or if you are not connected to the essence of your inner child.

Once you have experienced love for yourself, you can emit and project that love towards others. Then wait, watch and see that love returned to you. According to the Universal Law of Attraction, what we give out, we will attract.

With faith, hope and trust, you too can find your safety and security intrapsychically within your inner world. If you hold love and positive intention within your heart, you will receive what you give out.

Do you find this blog helpful? If you like this post, I love to hear from you on my Twitter Page.

Protect yourself and your energy in the Summer months

In Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Emotions, Energy, Energy Healing, Self Help, Self-care, Wellness

Protecting yourself is an essential concept to Self-care and wellness. As summer is approaching and the lockdown is coming to an end, we naturally will venture out and resume our normal lives. We might get carried away and become complacent with the joy that comes with excellent weather. However, there is something wonderfully refreshing about the summer’s months within the UK, where the sun is warm, inviting and energising. It is also a time for play, fun, and joy as we bask in the heat. As we gathered outdoors in the sunlight, our mental health improves with the ambience as vitamin D production increases, lowers blood pressure, improves moods, and promotes mental wellness.

Thus, summer is the time of life and living.

Nonetheless, we still need to take care of our subtle energy body, even though our physical and mental bodies may improve. I am referring to protecting your energy and spirit body just as the precaution that most of us will take to protect our physical body from the blazing heat. Energy protection is a form of protection that anyone can do and incorporate into their daily life with minimal effort.

We recognised that taking care of our physical body is essential to physical and mental wellness. It is also equally important to take care of our energetic body and our spirit body.

Our physical body is made up of energy. Our emotions are energy. Everything is energy, and energy is everywhere. Emotions have energy. Our thoughts, whether it is conscious or unconscious, have an energy signature. Science has indicated that the human body is made up of atoms, protons and molecules. It may be difficult for some to comprehend, but the evidence is clear. It is a matter of whether you choose to believe it or not. Of course, there are always disbelievers when it comes to something that one cannot see. But, just like the air you breathe, energy is also invisible, and nonetheless, it exists.

“Energy is everything and everywhere. You are made up of energy. Your emotions have an energy signature. You thoughts have an energy frequency. Energy cannot be eliminated and nor can you get rid of it. It can only be transformed.”

However, if you are remotely curious, please read on. Energy healing and energy work is something that I have embraced quite by chance for a logical and analytical person. As with most people, I was certainly taught to be logical within the educational establishments where our knowledge and skills are measured by grades. If I could scientifically and clinically prove it, then it was believable. But, as I continued into further studies, I realised that there are things that one cannot explain with science.

However, energy can be explained by science. Energy is generated when there is an exertion of power or force, according to physicists. The quantitative law determines the exchanges of dynamic force in a reaction to cause and effect.

Thus, according to thermodynamics, energy cannot be destroyed or created. But, it will naturally change state. We gain energy through chemical reactions and emotional responses. But, we also lose energy through eliminating waste, changes in temperature and heat loss. Energy will be transformed, transferred, distributed or dispersed to dissolve its form. The energy within our bodies can become lodged and stuck within our energy field when we are in distress. Therefore, protecting ourselves from energy interferences are essentials for physical, emotional, psychological, mental wellbeing.

So, with summers coming, I want to share some of the ways you can protect your energy that has proven useful to me.

Get in touch with your emotions – state your feelings and emotions by naming them. Acknowledge your emotions and feelings and bear with them. If you suppress or repress it, they will come back time and time again.
Say a little prayer. I found it most helpful to ask for help. I say a silent prayer just before bedtime, during a stroll, or while sitting or contemplating to ask for divine guidance. Ask for a sign that will help you in your healing journey or ask for a sign to show you what you need to do to eliminate energy zapper.
Aura sweeping – Try this method from YouTube.
Ground yourself with meditation – seek to recharge your energy by tapping into the Earth’s energy with this meditation.
Energy clearing practice – take some time to get yourself recharged with this energy clearing technique.
Stay healthy, eat well and live long – eat a balanced and nutritional diet. Avoid excess processed food, junk food, caffeine, excess sugar or salt or food high in calories.
Make sure you get enough sleep – an adult requires about seven hours of sleep per night. A good nights sleep is essential for our mental, emotional and physical health.
Make sure you exercise regularly – try twenty minutes of exercise per day.
Limit your alcohol intake.
Take up leisure activities or hobbies – having that interest you will help you recharge an energetic battery. Doing something joyful or fun have a positive effect on your soul.
Stay hydrated – make sure that you stay cool and hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Water is the elixir of life.
Smudge your energetic body and your environment. You can either use a smudge herb stick or spray.

It might be helpful if you can incorporate an energy cleansing activity into your daily ritual. You will find it easier to do and you won’t need to think of it as a chore if you build the activity in your life. You can begin to see subtle differences over time, or you might see a dramatic difference rightaway if your energy is stagnant.

When you are doing energy work, you will feel the sensations such as a wave of heat through your body as you are recharged. You might feel a surge of tingling, prickly sensation or a rush of goosebumps in a specific area or all over the body as you bathe in the energy field.

Do you find this blog helpful? If you like this post, I love to hear from you on my Twitter Page.

Accepting what is

In Compassion, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Trust, Wellness

Acceptance, according to Buddhist principles, is the belief in accepting what is. Accepting life as it comes. Accepting one’s responsibility and action. Accepting one’s personality and qualities, both positive and negative. It is a concept that embraces karma as well as fate. It is a way of going with what is rather than resist and become distressed with what is not. It means surrendering control and power to the unforeseeable forces of nature and the universal laws of cause and effect. It can be an unfamiliar and challenging notion to practice if you have strong precedence to control your life. To begin accepting what is means letting go of the locus of control. Letting go of what you think you have control of in your life.

Acceptance is a concept of belief that recognises the validity of a thing or situation as it is. It is a conscious act with a positive intention for open-mindedness. It is to perceive something or a problem with a realistic view without judgement, assumption or supposition. In Psychology, acceptance is a catharsis, and it is a process of healing our cognition and emotion. But, if we can extend acceptance to all aspect of our lives and ourselves, we can come to a place of peace.

However, to accept something or someone, we need to understand ourselves implicitly. It means looking within to check our belief system, mindset, prejudices and judgement that we hold from our lived experiences. It is about observing our ethical and moral values. As social beings, humans are generally easily influenced, and our actions impact those around us. As we are influenced by others, we believe some of the things others say, especially those we idealised. As we accept those individuals, we are shaped by those in our environment in conformity. If something that we received differs from those we already believed, there will be an internal conflict. If we are stifled by others for our unique thinking, we may become a scapegoat or an outcast, which also causes inner dissonance.

To be able to accept what is, here are a few tips that I have tried and tested. They are the tools and strategies that work for me over the years in training and practising as a therapist. They may seem like common sense, but sometimes the simplest things are most effective.

“The greatest gift of enlightenment to give to anyone is to share it.” – Buddha.

Here are some helpful tips to accepting what is

Letting go of things (and people) that are unhelpful to you for the moment while you work through your processes and learning how to accept what is. This could mean walking away from a difficult situation without a resolution. It could also mean physically letting go of your attachment to those things and people, and you will need to be disciplined in sticking to your decision. I found it most challenging to let of an unhealthy friendship. Even with positive intention, you cannot control the reaction that will be present in the other when they feel rejected as you let go of the relationship.
Recognise that you can change the thing that you can and cannot change the thing that you cannot. This is about realising what is within your control and boundary. You can change your behaviours and your actions, but you cannot change those in others.
Acknowledge the loss of letting go. When you consciously acknowledge something, you have an understanding of it happening, even if you have a belief around it. You might believe that you needed some space to work through an emotional reaction to something that a friend has said. As you let go of the relationship to process your response, you will experience a loss. The loss needs to be processed, and by giving yourself time, you are working through forgiving your grief.
Find your pleasure and soothe yourself in the learning process and in the grief. We often take self-care for granted, but it is now one of my favourites. Finding what makes you happy and joyous is a way to appreciate ourselves. You can easily build a self-care ritual into your daily routine. The trick is to find that joy. In the learning process, you can explore what makes you smile. In the grieving process, you can find what will comfort those tears. In the anxieties of facing the unresolved situation, you might discover that mindfulness help. Use your inner healer or go on an inner vacation with these meditations.
See, feel and know that it is not personal. Set your intentions to honestly look at the situation. Feel and experience the tension so that you can learn from it. Acknowledge what happened has a reason, even if this reasoning is not yet clear to you. Even if you suspect ill-intention from others, you can say to yourself internally that this too shall pass. You cannot change the way other feels. You can only change your perception.
Adopt a self-forgiveness policy. Forgiveness is a process or action that pardon someone, something or ourselves. It can be difficult, but with practice, you can learn it too. Forgiveness is about removing the blame from the other, including yourself. It is about having compassion for your action, response and those of others too. Forgiveness works well with love and understanding in conjunction with a compassionate mind.
Surrender. When you stop resisting, you will become receptive to the situation, a thing and people. To surrender means to let go and submit to what is. This is not the same as giving up, however. When you surrender to what is, you are opening up to spirituality and faith. This is a soulful experience of relinquishing control and trusting in life and the universe. The intention is to release the embodied experience and free the spirit to the constraint of the existential dilemma. It is similar to letting to, but you are doing it at the soul level. Try meditation and work on developing trust.

Accepting what is is a personal challenge that I sometimes struggle with because mistakes happen in the reality of a situation, especially in a relationship. It is an ongoing process, and one should not place emphasis on achieving and then forgetting it. It is not about ticking the box, and you are done with it. But, the more you practice and adopt this way of being, the more familiar you will become with accepting things, situation, people, life and yourself.

“Peace comes from within. Do not resist it.” – Buddha.

Do you find this blog helpful? If you like this post, I love to hear from you on my Twitter Page.

Bless the Stress

In Compassion, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Emotions, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Stress, Wellness

We cannot escape our daily stress as much as we want to eliminate the tension and pressure of life. In this month’s blog on stress awareness, I want to highlight the different aspects of stress, healthy vs unhealthy, stress types, including stress symptoms.

In everyday conversation, the word stress can conjure many different meanings to the speaker and the listener because of our subjective experiences. I might say that I’m stressed when I am under pressure at work or when other people put a strain on me.

A stressful situation for one person will inevitably be different. People are divergent and will have a different way to view or manage problems. From our lived experiences, these individuals can often draw upon their internal resources to cope with stress. However, it does not mean that you can’t learn to build your inner strength.

“Stress is a mental state; both emotional and physical arise due to tension, pressure or strain from an adverse or demanding person or situation.”

Stress is a mental state; both emotional and physical arise due to tension, pressure, or strain from an adverse or demanding person or situation. It is a drama in the psyche and manifested as a reaction, co-created into a reality. Any thoughts, conditions or circumstances can create stress in any person. I find that it is helpful first to check whether stress is healthy or unhealthy.

Healthy stress occurs in situations when your reaction is in proportion to the circumstance. For example, the day before an important job interview, you might be stressed because of additional urgent work requests from your line manager. The added pressure of the extra workload on top of nervousness for tomorrow’s interview is healthy stress when you can manage both challenges.

Unhealthy stress occurs when your reaction is out of proportion to the circumstance—sticking to the same scenario above. When stress overwhelmed the person, it becomes unhealthy. If this person becomes panicky and angry at the urgency of the request, combined with automatic negative thoughts of the must or should, and voila. The individual may make mistakes, creating unnecessary time constrain to the additional workload. The problem can quickly escalate and inundate the person’s feeling, emotions and reactions, magnifying the situation.

How we think and react can create or break the situation into a stressful or stress-free one. There are three main types of stress; acute, episodic and chronic. I shall now review the different kinds of stress in more details.

Acute stress is any situation that develops quickly but does not usually last longer than a month or so. The event is often severe due to an unexpected crisis or trauma, such as loss of a relationship, job or identity. If the symptoms persist longer, it could lead to a disorder, such as post-traumatic stress disorder. In which case, please, seek medical assistance from a qualified physician.

Episodic stress is any situation that frequently occurred, expected or unexpected. It often arises from recurring conditions that caused repeated stressful reaction. There may be a pattern to episodic stress, such as in the workplace, household, or specific person.

Chronic stress is any situation that causes prolonged emotional and psychological disturbances. In this situation, the stress may initially begin as acute stress, which became a problem over a long period of time, sometimes many years.

As you become aware of your stress level, you also need to know your stressful sources, whether internal or external. Any form of stress that lasts more than a week can become a problem if it is not processed. Processing begins internally within ourselves. We have to look within for the source of our emotional and psychological reaction to the situation. If you can start to take responsibilities for your stress and acknowledge the feelings, emotions, behaviours and reactions, you are on the road to change.

“Processing begins internally within ourselves.”

Unfortunately, we are the culprit for much of our stress as we can also put pressure on ourselves. A perfectionist may put pressure on herself to do a good job. Add a ‘must’, ‘should’ or ‘ought to’, ‘got to’ to the inner voice or belief, and you have the individual thinking, ‘I must do a good job’ or ‘I got to be good at my job’.

Sometimes knowing symptoms of any distress within yourself can be helpful, as you can check whether your reaction is in proportion or disproportion to the circumstance.

Some of the physiological symptoms of stress include:

Aches, pains and tense body or muscles.
Upset or knotted stomach, IBS, diarrhoea, constipation, sickness, nausea.
Low energy, tiredness, fatigue, sleeplessness.
Chest pain, rapid heartbeat, hotness, sweating, redness, feeling flush.
Headaches, earaches, dry mouth, clenched or grinding teeth, including a locked jaw.

Some of the emotional symptoms of stress include:

avoidance, avoiding others, avoiding confrontation.
Depression, low moods, or moodiness.
Anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, or feeling panicked.
Irritability, anger, frustration, anger and aggressive outbursts.
Loneliness, isolation, feeling like a failure, feeling useless.

Some of the cognitive symptoms of stress include:

Problem focusing, concentrating or thinking.
Poor judgement, or make an incorrect decision due to panicking.
Worrying, obsessing or compulsivity.
Constantly ruminating about the negatives.
Have doubts about one’s ability, knowledge and skills.
Unable to make a decision, unsure and uncertain about making decisions.
Thinking about old stresses and past events.

Some of the behavioural symptoms of stress include:

Nervousness, twitching, nail-biting, teeth grinding, pacing etc.
Being jumpy, shaky or freezes in reaction to situation, person or circumstance.
Prone to violence, hostility, disruptive or defiance behaviour, including sabotage.
Increase or decrease food consumption.
Increase consumption of alcohol, smoking or drug use.
Increase compulsivity for exercise, gambling, or other maladaptive behaviours.
Self-harming.

The thing to note is that you can learn to manage your stress. Everyone can learn how to cope with their emotional, physical stress. We are all capable of re-educating ourselves. Learning to discover something new out ourselves is a joy. I had found that you can make learning fun, exciting, explorative and curious. Suppose you can hold this concept when you learn about yourself in a stressful situation. In that case, you will become appreciative and compassionate about yourself and the stresses around you because you are not your stress. Here are a few pointers:

Know your triggers

Knowing your trigger will help you notice your stress pattern. Knowing this fact may be helpful to master your internal emotional reaction in a stressful situation. Knowing is an acknowledgement or awareness of what was previously elusive to you. It is about being conscious of what was unconscious about you.

One of my triggers used to be that I was highly anxious about travelling to someplace new without knowing where to park. The stress of finding a parking space was thought-provoking. I was worried about not finding a spot to park safely. I was maximising the problem by creating a traffic jam within my mind. I was anxious about being late as a result of not finding a safe spot for the car.

Know your reactions

Know your reaction will help you notice how you were in the situation. Knowing this fact may help you see, feel, or think about your response and healthy or unhealthy. Knowing that will help you sense how you are within yourself and how you responded to the situation, including those around you. Knowing this will help you decide whether or not you might need to change and try reacting differently.

In the stressful situation above, I would create a dramatised, visualised scenes. My mind could create a drama. I imagined driving around, looking for the perfect spot for the car. I would imagine an accident or road work creating a delay in my travel. I could feel myself walking in the meeting late, being hot and bothered.

Know your thoughts

Knowing what you think about will help you make sense of your inner voice. Listening to what you say and how you talk to yourself in a stressful situation will help you become in control of the situation, rather than allowing the problem to control you. We are often overly critical of ourselves. We can be the harshest critique. But, if we can be compassionate and kinder to ourselves, we can be free of the thoughts and let them go easier.

In my mind, in the above situation, I was critical. I used to say that I was a drama queen! I used to say that I was attention-seeking as I ran into class late. I used to think that I was unorganised, chaotic and unable to prioritise. I used to believe that I would be ‘told off’ if I was ever late for appointments.

Learn to speak to yourself differently

Now, try learning to speak to yourself differently. If you used to shout at yourself internally, why not try speaking softly this time. Hopefully, you will notice that the impact is dramatically reduced. You may start to notice an alternate feeling associated with the gentle inner voice. You also may hear yourself speaking using contrasting words, kinder and loving expression. The change begins with small and enlarges, like a ripple.

I noticed my inner critique, and I named her. The inner voice was familiar. I recognised her from before. She was an archetype of someone in the long distant past. Naming her helped me to notice her, and thus I became aware of how she had created the inner stress, which manifested in situations in my external world. She had been the causes of my tensions. When I noticed that, I noted that I had choices. I chose to change her tone, and I chose to look at her different until I see her in a different light.

Having an awareness of your stress can be helpful in most situation or circumstance, but it is also a great way to learn something new about yourself.

After all, learning something new about the self is especially exciting to psychological growth and spiritual development.

“Stress begins like a ripple. It starts of small but can quickly turn into somthing larger and bigger.”

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Emotions are friend, not foe

In Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Emotions, Inspiration, Self Help, Self-Development, Wellness

According to the American Psychological Association, emotion referred to an intricate state of experiential, behavioural, psychological and physiological patterns responding to thoughts and stimulus. Emotions are subjective and profoundly influential to an individual. Depending on our biological makeup, emotions are biologically associated with the central nervous systems brought on by neurophysiological triggers from our cognition, learning style and conditioning orientation.

Unlike ‘feeling’, emotion can affect our moods and our body. This does not mean that having feeling for something or about something is any less significant. It is just that feeling refers to a self-perception of a specific emotion. Thus, you can have a feeling about emotion, and you can also have feelings about the way you feel; therefore, it originates in the mental construct. Whereas, emotions, on the other hand, is experiential, behavioural, psychological and physiological in nature. However, for the purpose of this blog, I will use emotion and feeling interchangeable.

The emotional intensity of an experience or event depends on your intrapsychic tendencies. You may have a proclivity of melancholy or cheerfulness. If your childhood environment were happy and nurturing, you will be more likely to have a cheerful disposition. But, if your childhood environment were hostile, less than ideal and traumatic, you will be more likely to be melancholy. However, this does not mean that you cannot change, break free from the cycle or that you should accept the past as something that will also happen in the future. Whatever the future will depend on your present. You can choose how to be, how to feel, and you can choose your emotions.

With volition, you can decide healthier, helpful and happier emotions. However, this does not mean that you simply dismiss, disregard or repressed the difficult emotions though. It is simply about being aware of emotions; recognise it, name it, feel it and express it. If you feel like crying, don’t let anyone tell you not to cry. If you feel anger, don’t let anyone tell you not to be angry. Feel the fear and move on. Keep calm and carry on. And make friend with your emotion, not foe.

How do you go about choosing healthier, helpful and happier emotions, you say?

Recognising that you will have an emotion

To recognise an emotion, you simply need to acknowledge it. Realise its validity, its existence and legitimacy to manifest. When you notice that you will have an emotion about a situation or that you are about to have an emotional experience, see what is going on around you, observe the situation, listen to what is happening within and outside of the body.

Name your emotion

It often helps to name our emotions. This is because emotion has an energetic frequency. Love, for example, has the highest frequency at 528 Hz, whereas the frequency for fear is around 100 Hz.

It is worth naming your emotions to bring awareness to the frequency thoughtforms. Naming the emotion gives legitimacy to the experiences that you are going through, especially if the intensity of the emotion is high. Being conscious of your emotions also means that you can then choose how you want to feel. Then you can check whether your physiological, biological, psychological and behaviour are in equal measure to the trigger or whether it is too excessive or too extreme for the situation. Thus, you will realise your response in connection to the feeling felt.

Expressing your emotion

Since our emotions are our cue to what is going within ourselves. It makes sense to process them accordingly. A way to process emotion is to allow it to be expressed. That means you will need to allow yourself to feel the emotion. If you have not heard of the phase – check out these books, Feel the fear and do it anyway, Smile at Fear. It is once you realised your emotion that you can then express them healthily. Suppressing our emotions and feelings would be liking holding a buoy underwater. It will eventually surface, maybe tomorrow, the day after or the next time you are faced with a similar situation that triggers the same emotion. The problem then is that the emotional intensity has grown, doubled in size, which may lead to exaggerated behaviour or reaction. In simple term, let your emotion be, honour yourself and be brave by being with your emotions. They are simply a part of you that needs releasing, loving and let it be. If you can clear to love your emotion, you are on your way to loving yourself.

“I dont want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, enjoy them, feel them and do not let them dominate me.” – Oscar Wilde.

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Recognising and Developing Compassion

In Compassion, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self-Development

To have compassion for others, one must realise Self-compassion first. Compassion is the ability to recognise suffering in oneself and others, and then taking action to alleviate the suffering through kindness, understanding, and love.

In today’s society, with many diverse inequalities, it may seem difficult to have compassion or empathy, but it is probably needed the most. It is the most undoubtedly positive quality than bitterness, anger and resentment.

Qualities of compassion promote positive emotional response and mindset; however, it should not be compared to empathy. Compassion is a deep feeling for oneself and another person, whereas empathy is the ability to be alongside the other person, or in their shoes. The emotional response when perceiving suffering in oneself or another triggers an authentic desire and wishes to take action, to assist, to alleviate and to help – but not to eliminate or deny.

Even if you do not think that you have compassion, the good news is that being compassionate is a skill, just like many which can be developed and learned.

But how does one recognises or develops compassion for oneself?

Be kind to yourself and others

I consider being kind to oneself as the most essential part of having compassion. It is a daily practice that takes lots of discipline, especially if you have a proclivity to beat yourself up. It is a process that takes patience to develop warmth and understanding of our sufferings, failures and inadequacies. It can be challenging to be mindful of the automatic negative thoughts that had previously been inclined to look at imperfections and flaws. But, it is with kindness, gentleness and acceptance that our emotional response will change toward ourselves first, and then our compassion for others will shortly follow.

Practice acting and behaving compassionately

Practice mindfulness and notice when you not being kind to yourself. Mindfulness is a conscious awareness of one own’s state by observing one’s thinking and thoughts. It is a willingness to be truthful to oneself and one’s perception. And when you noticed that you belittle yourself or experienced feeling frustrated with yourself; you simply notice it. Have an awareness of what was said, and the feeling felt. Then, gently recognise that making a mistake is inevitable and acceptable. Recognise that perfection is an illusion. Recognise that you will forget to observe your automatic thoughts at times. Recognise that through practice being aware of your thoughts, you will shortly notice them quicker. It is through awareness acceptance that your emotional response will become positive.

Avoid judgement and criticism of Self and other

Notice your use of language and those automatic thoughts that cause negative emotions or painful feelings such as anger, doubt, guilt, hurt, or shame. Words, thoughts or labels that might be used in the internal dialogue such as ‘I am so bad…clumsy, stupid, etc.’ are just some example to watch out. Stop using those negative criticism and judgement against oneself, and others are ways to develop compassion, through awareness and recognition.

Be honest and altruistic

Honesty is the best policy. Be honest with yourself when you failed to recognise self-criticism or negative labelling. If you deny your mistake, you are ultimate being dishonest with yourself. Being honest about your failings, errors, and imperfection is part of learning and development. Being truthful about how you feel about failures help you confront the mindset associated with the experience. For example; if you failed a test/exam and you get angry with yourself for the failure, there would have been an associated thought accompanying this mindset, such as ‘Failing means I am useless’, which should be addressed. Recognising those thoughts and feelings is an honest way to deal with them. Being truthful in your reflection and observation are signs of honesty for your failure, which is the quality toward self-compassion.

Do not set yourself a timeline

Being compassionate is an on-going process that promotes positive health and mental wellness; thus cannot have a time limit. Having compassion for oneself and others should be an on-going process of personal development. It is a quality that helps you in relationships, and it is a positive experience that changes your thinking pattern and developing altruism. If you set yourself a timeline, you are essentially putting a limitation on your growth and development, plus a whole load of unnecessary pressure and anxieties.

All learning starts with YOU, and then you influence others through your engagement and social interaction. Thus, compassion begins with Self-love, and then you can pass it forward. Once you recognised and developed self-compassion, you will soon find that you naturally develop compassion for others and the world.

“Compassion begins with Self-love and then it expands to encompass the people around you.” – Patch Welling.

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Behind the Covid-19 mask lies another dilemma

In Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-Development, Uncategorized, Wellness

Don’t let wearing the COVID mask becomes your norm

“Virtue has a veil, vice is a mask.” – Victor Hugo

At the beginning of the year, some people began wearing masks as a prevention to the COVID-19 epidemic. However, as we start to realise very quickly how our lives have changed and will continue to change. What we used to know as ‘normal’ is no longer. Out with the old and in with the new, I’d say.

The experiences, feelings and emotions felt during those months of isolation can be overwhelming. The loneliness and isolation can be difficult for many people. The longing and yearning kick in, as a human being is essentially a social animal.

After months of lockdown, how can we begin to start venturing out? Some people are excited by finally being allowed to socialise again. Some people are still cautious and only go out to meet family and friends. Some people go out without care. However, many people manage to leave mindfully with respect and considerations for others by wearing masks.

“Nothing is more real than the masks we put on to show each other who we are.” – Christopher Barzak

I want to discuss the concept of masking in Psychology further.

Masking is a process which an individual uses as a way to deflect, hide or conceal their natural personality, traits and attitude to conform to the socially acceptable behaviours, depending on culture and societies in which we live. On many occasions, we are often unaware that we are even wearing a mask because of the way we were taught and learned. When we’d been conditioned to behave, think, or act in a particular manner, we can become so accustomed to masking that we might have difficulties finding our true Self. Just another actor acting out a part!

I could go into the psychological benefits behind why people preferred to wear a mask, but I don’t believe that it would be helpful to further strengthen the person’s psyche. What I prefer to do is to look at the positives and address the usefulness of removing our masks.

“When you wear a mask for so long, you forget who you are beneath it.” – Alan Moore

Some of those benefits include becoming authentic in your way of being, becoming open to directly ‘see’ the person with your heartfelt ‘sight’. When we are not wearing our masks, we are opened to our vulnerability, which is a positive quality, rather than defensively thinking that it is negative. It is when you are not coveted that you can expand your senses with a wider peripheral sensory acuity. Thus, when the masks are removed, you can see the world with Shoshin’s eyes. I’d come to these conclusions from years of training, experiences and dealing with personal challenges.

Fear not, I can offer some helpful tips to those individuals who’d like to remove their (psychological) masks – but keep the COVID-19 cover on (for now). Here’s how:

- - Be responsible for your action, reaction and behaviours

Taking ownership of anything that you do or say is one of the most empowering ways of removing the mask of your false Self. It is a simple act of Self-expression, and it is altruistic in your demonstration of transparency and honesty in the interaction with another.

- - Acknowledge your flaws and learn to love them

If you think that your bum looks big, or your belly is bloated, either do something healthily about it or learn and find a way to like your body. If you dislike your imperfections and flaws, you probably need to internally reflect on your belief systems. Acknowledging your flaws and learning to love them is a form of acceptance and love for the Self. Ask yourself, is it possible to be perfect all the time? Is it possible to expect that you need to do something perfectly each time? What a waste of your energy because it is practically impossible. Everyone, everywhere have flaws.

- - Find your Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance can take time to develop. It is with patient, understanding and love that you can find a way to accept yourself and things you dislike within or without. Find a way to assent to yourself, your body, your self-image, your abilities and skills, including your limitations. To have acceptance is to accept the positive and the negative about yourself as the way you are without having to change, do or act differently in situations. Acceptance is the acquiescence of Self – the Latin acquiēscere (to find rest in).

- - Discover Self-love

This is my most favourite, discovering Self-love. It is the most rewarding, with warmth and positive energies. It is also one that most people often find it difficult to express or acknowledge. Before starting my counselling/psychotherapy training, it was undoubtedly amiss. But, it is never ever too late to discover Self-love, whatever life position you are at. Love starts with you when you find your self-love, you will emit love for others and the world unless of course, you have a heart-wall (an energetic blockage to the heart). Self-love comes with many omnipotent experiences such as joy, happiness, playfulness, spontaneity and many more. Self-love also acknowledges all of the above.

- - Smile at yourself, and at your faults

Even if you don’t feel like smiling at yourself, it is worth doing it. See for yourself! Smile into a mirror and see inside yourself. What do you feel? If you feel positive, even though you have scars, stretch marks, birthmarks etc. then you are on the way to removing those pesky masks.

There are many other ways to take your masks off. Perhaps you have found another helpful way that works for you. I’d love to hear about some of the things that work for you.

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Stay Connected for Mental Wellness

In Connection, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Mental Wellbeing, Self-Development, Wellness

Establishing a connection is essential for many reasons. Whether that connection is with yourself, others, or nature?

According to psychologists, making a connection is extremely important for our overall sense of self, our emotional and physical health. Dozen of clinical researches have shown that people are generally ‘happier’ when connected in any form of relationships.

Therefore, connecting to others, ourselves and the world give us a sense of importance and belonging. Plus, it also helps to improve our mental wellbeing and building self-esteem in communication.

As human beings are a social animal, we thrive in social connection, whether in family, groups, community or society. A strong sense of connectivity with others is vital to our mental stability and survival tendency.

Having a connection in a relationship helps us build resilience, shared interests between two or more people, shared love, support, and encouragement.

Physiologically, people with strong ties or connections in a relationship have fewer health problems, less stressed, less depressed and improved mental wellness. Adverse to the effect, people who lack connection with themselves, others or their community have increased stress and depression, accelerated cardiovascular risks, loneliness, isolation and a higher chance of suicidal tendency.

Here are some simple ways to keep a healthy connection with the people around you to improve your mental wellness and reduce isolation and loneliness.

Regularly reaching out and maintain a regular contact

Swallow those pride and reaching out. Reaching out means making the first move. In so doing, you make a conscious and considerable effort to contact the person. You do so regularly while maintaining a healthy boundary within the relationship. It also means having a sense of how often you should reach out, unobtrusively. If it seems like you are the one doing all the reaching out at the majority of times, try to stay positive. You are reaching out to promote your sense of wellness by showing someone that you care. It is not a chore.

Plan a get-together

Make plans for a get-together or planning ahead is a great way to have something to look forward to. Planning ahead for an event gives us joyful feelings as our mind is excited by the future-focused possibility. The anticipation of the upcoming event encourages hope and optimism. These positive thoughts promote healthy mindset and reduce stress and anxieties.

Say that you care by showing gratitude

We love to hear positive feedback and words of affirmation. Say that you care, say that love someone makes a massive difference to the person receiving the kind words. Showing gratitude for the relationship by expressing kind words of affirmation. Say thank you is music to the ears. Be the first to say sorry for a small measure of differences or disagreements, without compromising your sense of self. Say you like about the person. Say what think is great about being in the relationship with them. Say that you appreciate their time, and talking to you is soothing to the soul.

Have a respectable boundary – give them space

Having a reasonable boundary for yourself and others is extremely important within any social interaction. Establish what you think is an appropriate boundary for you, and then check with the other person, what is a safe and comfortable boundary for them. A boundary is a two-way thing. It is not something that you can guess. It is safer to ask. It shows that you consider their needs. Then, act on it and put in practise by giving the person the space that they need.

Use a medium that is most comfortable for both of you

We may take for granted what is the best medium for us, but, it may not be the best medium of contact for the other person. Check what is their preference, whether this is via phone, Skype, Zoom, Email, SMS, Facetime, WhatsApp, Snapchat etc. Agree with each other when you first make contact, how the person wants to be connected.

Take advantage of social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Tumblr etc.)

Sometimes, social media is the best method to stay connected with someone distant. Take advantage of the social media application that you both preferred and keep the channel of communication open this way is another great way to stay in touch with multiple people, family, friends and the community. The interactions with social media is a great way to make special announcements or reaching out to a group of people for a response.

However, you decide to stay connected with the essential people around you, think about the good that you are doing in staying in touch. It shows that you care. And when we do something nice for others, even the smallest of thing such as staying connected to the person makes a huge difference to both your mental wellness and physical health.

Think of the joy in giving and enjoy.

Motivation is Key

In Coping Strategies, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-Development, Wellness

Motivation is the key to many reasons for our action and behaviour—here’s why.

Motivation is a drive that guides, influences, initiates, and stimulates our action and behaviour. It is the cause of the effect. It is a force that inspires you to action, whether this is to get out of bed in the morning, exercise or taking up a new hobby.

When you are motivated; the emotions are engaged, allowing the mind to become creative, thus allowing social connections to activated behaviours.

You may lack motivation for any number of reasons, whether it is due to depression, worries, avoidance or simply lack of interests. The reasons you lack motivation is mostly unconscious. The current mental strategies learned in the past have outgrown their resourcefulness. They become ineffective and you just need news ones.

Here are some new ideas and the keys to motivations. Give them a try, and see what works for you.

1. A good enough reasoning.

You need your own good enough reasons to get motivated. What is your good enough reason to get out of bed in the morning? You could stay in bed all day, for sure? But, then, you will be more tired, lethargic and hours of excuses later, you’re still in bed! Feeling lazy and cannot be bothered to get up or get dressed.

Thinking yourself contented is an illusion of the mind keeping you stuck. Motivation is a good enough reason to act or behave in a particular way in order to accomplish something desirable. It is an energetic force that encourages and promotes movement and reaction to planning, implementing and doing. The narrative that drives motivation is mostly positive.

Any reason to get out of bed is a good enough reason. Perhaps you need to get to the bathroom. Perhaps you need a glass of water. Whatever the reason, it is done, you’re out of bed, aren’t you? It is not worth going back there, you will not be able to sleep for a while now that you awaken.

2. Soothing sounds of the opposite.

Whatever your excuses that you used to tell yourself not to get out of bed in the morning, do the opposite. Whatever justification that you have given to yourself for delaying or avoiding taking up exercise, do the opposite. However, you conclude the rationale behind your lack, it is essential that you speak to yourself, kindly. Whispers the benefits of taking up exercise. Incite excitement in visualising trim waistline. Encourage yourself to go out walking, running etc.

Kindness is one the recipe for motivation. It is a beneficial interest that you are kind to yourself rather than dictating yourself to do something. When you speak, lovingly, to yourself, it is the soothing melody to sweet co-operation.

3. Rebelling against helplessness.

Feeling overwhelmed by helplessness dampened motivation. Helplessness is a struggle when we feel a loss of control. The loss of control is a result of an internal struggle. Rebelling against feeling helpless is the natural proclivity to eliminate the psychological attachment.

Acknowledging your helplessness, without accepting the hopelessness of the situation is the conscious approach to breaking free from this mindset. You may be helpless about your expanding waistline, but, you are not hopeless in changing and doing something about it. Believing that you are not helpless is motivating. Then, you will be able to see solutions, plan, and act on a desirable, and achievable outcome.

4. Rethink the mundane.

Exercise may seem mundane through repetition, just as doing cleaning or chores. Nonetheless, these mundane tasks need to be addressed in the psyche. What you think influences your participation and action. If you think that the mundane is boring, then it is. But, if you rethink the mundane to be fun and enjoyable, then it is. Easy.

Reframing your thoughts and thinking patterns helps you to become motivated. Thinking of the desired goal in mind is the best way to approach the mundane. Thinking about fitting into the smaller sized clothes. Thinking about feeling great from the induced endorphins. Think about a clean and neat home rather than the action of cleaning. Think about a full fridge rather than trolling through the supermarket. Think about feeling refreshed and invigorated from the shower rather than the getting up and out of bed. Rethink your thoughts, and think only of things that motivate you.

5. Lack of motivation by attachment.

Many of us can deny that we have problem attachment. If you keep telling yourself something long enough, you will come to believe it. Don’t believe me, keep denying yourself that. What have you got to lose, but time, confidence, self-esteem and your volition?

Problem attachment is an unhealthy emotional dependency on something or someone. It is an unhelpful clinging on that is negatively pleasurable. The unresourcefulness of hoarding is an attempt to fulfil a feeling of lack, emptiness and loneliness. All of which discouraged motivation through numbing. As our feeling is numbed, you become discouraged and lose sight of a purpose and will power. As you are overwhelmed by difficult emotions, you become increasingly dissatisfied and suddenly you find yourself on a hamster wheel, going round and round in a circle becoming dizzy.

Let go of the hoarding. Let go of the negative emotional attachment to the object, thing or belief. Let it go completely and get rid of it if you can. Get rid of the belief by challenging it. Holding onto excessive body-weight, for example, might be an unconscious attempt to protect you from emotional pains such as grief, loss or abuse by shielding you with your body-fat. Address your emotional pain and then let go of the belief. Challenge your belief with questions like, is it absolutely true, is there a law that says your body-fact protects you from emotional pain?

How are you going to motivate yourself? What did you find useful or helpful? Perhaps these tips gave you the inspiration to come up with your own resourceful ways to motivate yourself. I love to hear from you on my Twitter Page.

“Act as if what you do, or the way you behave makes a difference – because it does.”
– William james