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How to break free from the drama triangle

In Coping Strategies, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self-Development

I was moved by the Channel 4 documentary on Hunting the Football Trolls featuring Jermaine Jenas. He had bravely spoken openly about his emotions and feelings on being targeted for racial slurs and hateful messages on social media. I applaud his bravery for speaking out. It brought it home to me how people could dehumanise others so easily, especially those that they do not know personally. It made me wonder how someone could objectify others without conscience.

I understand racism, prejudices and discrimination because I had endured the pain and hurt myself, as a child growing up in the UK. I had never known it before, in Thailand where I was born. However, I had grown up thinking that as a minority, it must have been something that we (as the minorities) had to put up with. Not many people speak out about it thirty years ago. Not that I recalled. It was not okay then, and it is still not okay now. I am thankful that more and more people are spoken up about it.

In this blog, I want to share my intrapsychic processes in dealing with any persons who objectify others. If you have been a subject of hate on social media or in person, you might find these processes helpful too. If you are experiencing racial attacks in your daily life, again, it might help to learn that you, too, can overcome their racial prejudices.

In my experience, I found that individuals who personally attack others at their core being have a deficiently low sense of self-worth within themselves. They do not want others to know this and will put up a front by attacking others. After all, no one is going to be looking or noticing them. I had come to realise that the bullies were often bullied by others, and they were simply repeating learned helplessness behaviours by bullying, discriminating, racially attacking you. They had learned that they didn’t have a choice and was helpless to accept the situation. At their core being, they may feel insecure and hurting. They mimic the unacceptable behaviours believing that it must be powerful to do the bullying to others.

Just a caution, the hypotheses below offers a psychological perspective of an inner working on one’s mind, both as a sufferer and as the perpetrator. It is not an excuse for any individuals and especially those that cause harm to others. It is a subjective supposition based on my experiences as a sufferer and from learned experiences with perpetrators. The purpose of highlighting their perspectives is to understand the underlying behaviours and the roles they inadvertently played in the “drama triangle”. The drama created in an insecure person is inadvertently played out in reality as they co-create the inner world, in the real world.

Introducing drama triangle?

The drama triangle is a psychological model that was first described by Stephen Karpman in 1961, who was a student of Eric Berne, the founding father of Transactional Analysis developed in the 1950s. Karpman explained the insidious nature of the psyche in which we all, unconsciously, play a part in the game of life. He went on to explain how we can fall victim to the roles in our life script. He also described how we could all get caught in the destructive cycle and struggle to break free from its toxic enmeshment. It did not begin with ourselves, but you can end the maintaining cycle. You do have a choice!

The purpose of discussing this theorem is not about blame but rather to highlight that we are all subjected to learned helplessness in its dysfunctional social interactions, which has increasingly become a problem in modern societies, especially on online social media platforms.

As mentioned at the beginning of this article, it begins with online abuse, trolling, hateful and abusive messages (directly or indirectly). It begins in the dysfunctional household in which warmth, love, and compassion are missing. It starts as self-defecation, self-loathing and self-hatred, and then it spreads outwards out of our pores infecting and targeting others. It was negatively reinforced into our being from adverse parental experiences of our parents. They may have been unconsciously ‘acting out’ what was normal within their household. And until we have an awareness of our misbehaving, we remain oblivious of our behaviours towards others. Let’s take a closer look at each of the roles in the drama that we participated in and helped co-created.

“We have a choice about the roles that we play in the game of life. Which part will you choose to play in your next role?”

As the victim (the suffers)

Generally, no one willingly, readily or consciously chooses to be a victim. It is something that is forced or happens to us. The sufferer often feels trapped, helpless and hopeless to do something about the situation. Especially when the abuse is online, social media sites are not proactive in dealing with the abuse. And especially, after you reported the abuse you may not see any real changes.

Being victimised predominantly begin in childhood. As a child, you may feel trapped when you are told off, reprimanded or abused by someone older/bigger and more powerful, usually a parent or an older sibling. As you internalised, you inadvertently assumed being powerless because you are smaller and have no power. You question your sense of worth and wonder why it happened to you. If you had no choice and could not venture out on your own, and you had to stay in a dysfunctional environment, it leaves you vulnerable to defend yourself against future attacks. You become learned helpless in situations and seek out other destructive engagements because it was familiar. This internalisation happens unconsciously to you. You had unwittingly become a victim because of your negative childhood experiences, negative reinforcement, abuse and cruelty.

Being a victim DID NOT begin with you.

As the perpetrator (the abuser)

Individuals who were brought up in an abusive, oppressive, hostile, and critical environment may have inadvertently fallen into being a victim initially. They had helplessly learned what was normal in the abnormal and dysfunctional family system. They learned from their caregivers and mirrored their role as an abuser and persecutor. They learned to punish others by abusing them, to hurt others just as they were hurt.

These individuals blame their victims for their own weaknesses. As a child, we could not and do not blame our parents for their misbehaving and misguided parenting. The child magically believed that their parents are Gods, according to John Bradshaw On the Family. The concept of magically thinking describes how a child idealises their parents within the family system. The child would not and could blame themselves as their cognitive functions are still developing. And if the child does not learn to take responsibility for their actions, they will grow up and continue to blame others for their flaws. Individuals with toxic and negative nurturing experience externalised behaviours such as physical aggression, verbal abuse, relational aggression, hate and acting out any forms of hostility and violence, physically, mentally, psychologically or verbally.

The majority of a bully or an abuser has been the subject of abuse themselves, which may be why they bully or abuse others to make themself feel superior, and to feel powerful. This is not an excuse because some people who were bullies had not resorted to becoming one themselves.

As the Rescuer (the helper)

Individuals who identify themselves as a rescuer will attempt to help the sufferers and intervene to save them from the bullies or the abusers. They suffer enormously from guilt if they do not interfere. They have a positive intention to help the person, but they could not see the consequence of their behaviours and may often worsen the situation. This individual has a strong desire to protect others, but it can keep the victim arrested in their development as they become dependent on the person to fight their battle.

The Rescuer has a propensity to focus on helping and failing to see their unconscious gains. These unconscious gains include being good because one is needed or wanted, feeling important, feeling God-like, and feeling helpful or valuable, all of which satisfy the egoic mind.

I had been bullied, verbally and mentally. I was bullied in the first two years of secondary school, and I found a way to stand up to the bullies. I was bullied because I was Thai and looked essentially different to the majority of white children in the class. I was a minority and could not speak English. It seemed like I was the easy target! As the only oriental at school, I was objectified and depersonalised.

It has not been on my conscience to pay it forward at any stage because I believed in karma. I remember thinking that it would not be fair to treat others in the same way because I didn’t like it. Thus, it is not always the case that those who were bullied become a bully.

I had been a victim; however, I never felt sorry for myself or thought why me. I thought, what’s wrong with you, rather than what’s wrong with me? What happened to you to be so mean? How did you come to be full of rage and hate? In cases of individuals who target others for their appearances, specifically online, they think it is safe to hide behind their masks and the internet. These individuals dehumanise, criticise and devalue someone often because they projected something they disliked within themselves onto others. It is far easier to mock them than it is to knock ourselves.

I had never been a perpetrator. It did not sit well with me morally, and I had never consciously wished harm onto another. If I was with someone that bullies others, I removed myself from the toxic person. If I don’t like something to be done unto me, I would not want it done onto thee. I considered the hurt and pain of the catcalls, and I cannot put anyone through any form of (verbal or physical) abuse. I do not want bad karma or the negative consequences of the law of attraction.

I am a rescuer. I want to help others and it was unsurprising that I am a counsellor/therapist. However, I had been compromised and thought that my good intentions were helpful and useful to others. It is true that there is a sense of satisfaction in helping and being in service of others. But, it can be a hinder to their development and growth if you take away the learning experiences for the individual.

“We learn by making mistakes. We learn from our pain and suffering. In light of those experiences, we grow and thrive as a unique spiritual being.”

How to break out of the drama triangle?

Here are some helpful tips on how to break free from the drama triangle. It is never too late to choose another role. You just need to remember that you DO have a choice. So, choose wisely.

Recognise your position in the drama triangle

Recognising whereabout you are on the drama triangle will help you to be aware of your role when you are relating to others. When you recognise your part, you can decide if playing in the triangle is helpful to you. We are all participants in the game of life, and how we play depends on our chosen role. We can challenge any position in life if they are no longer helpful. Once you realise that you have a choice, you can work toward breaking free from the confinement of the outdated role and step out of the drama triangle into a life worth living.

Be mindful and ask first, challenge later

When you are mindful of others, you are less likely to jump to any form of illusion about what was said or who said what. On social media, we can easily misread, misunderstand and mis-take things the wrong way. In a mindful state, you will be prone to ask questions to find what more about what or why it was said. You would consider whether you understood the content or that the other person miscommunicated. Say: When you said that, what did you mean? Why did you say that?… I was hurt, upset, etc. What you said was untrue, insensitive, rude, hurtful etc.; why did you make those personal remarks? If you can be bothered to respond to the attackers. It is also safer and kinder to yourself to report, blocking them from seeing their contents entirely.

Be curious

Curiosity is one of the core traits of our inner child. Curiosity gives us a sense of inquisitiveness to explore further what someone meant. Communication is a two-way process, and misunderstanding can happen when we relate to each other, especially in writing. Curiosity requires an investigation and encourages further dialogue. If you are being bullied, ask the bullier why they are bullying you? Say: When you said that, it upsets me, hurt me; etc. When you spoke to me that way or write those things about me, I felt humiliated, shame, or that I felt bullied, etc.

Stand firm and stand tall

When you stand up for yourself against a bully, they may retaliate in response to your behavioural change. Your behaviour has consequences on others, just as you are influenced by another. However, standing firm and standing tall against any form of bullies or injustice is about facing up to and confronting the other. It is not an easy thing to do especially if it is unfamiliar to you. But, standing up for yourself may also be demonstrated in your body language, without words. Often when most of us face someone with bullish behaviour, we politely walk away. But, this might be an opportunity to stand your ground and test out your stance. It might be a look that says, you cannot treat me that way. It might be your long gaze at the person as they misbehaved. You can also consciously broadcast messages that say something like, you will not stand to be bullied, abused, violated, dehumanised, devalued etc. These are unspoken thoughts and convictions of your inner voice, speaking loudly in your psyche, directly project to the person as you continue to look at the individual. Standing firm online might include reporting it to the social media platform and the police. Standing firm might also include responding to the bullies and shaming them online and making them a focus rather than you.

Rewind! And Be kind

Kindness acts is a gesture of love for others. It shows that you are mindful and considerate of others, but not over your own needs. Kindness is powerful in relationship building and helps diffuse even the hardened mind. Kindness act is a balance of being considered and being equally important. A kind word can help lift someone’s day. Imagine how a kind act can help the person.

Making a change is never easy but it is not impossible. You can unlearn the way you used to do things, and relearn to do it differently. It may be unfamiliar to you but like anything worth doing, it will be rewarding.

As a final note, I just want to add that it is never okay to mistreat any other living beings. It is never acceptable to devalue, objectify, (verbally, mentally or physically) abuse or dehumanise anyone. After all, how would you like it if it happened to you?

It did not start with you, but it can end with you; you can change your beliefs, your mindset and your behaviours about something or someone. You can be the person who breaks the mould. Break the archaic societal rules embedded in the collective unconsciousness of rage or hate. Breakfree and break away from the racial, discriminatory and prejudiced trance.

Mindfulness Motivation for Confidence

In Confidence Building, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Mindfulness, Motivation, Self-Development, Wellness

Mindfulness is a conscious awareness of doing something, being in the moment with your internal states, including your thoughts, feelings, emotions, bodily sensations, and outer environment. In this post, I wanted to discuss how this technique can be applied to motivate activities that can help improve your confidence.

Mindfulness is ubiquitous in mental health and wellness. Over the past twenty years, I have noticed that this concept recently on the rise is welcoming. Many mind-identified individuals embrace it. But, it can be so much more if we find a creative way to use this principle.

“Mindfulness versus Mindlessness – which would you rather be?”

Mindfulness concerns the mental activity and mental state with thoughtfulness rather than mindlessness. It is an internal and external observation of one’s state without judgment, attention or focus. It is about noticing whatever it is in the moment and letting it go.

The purpose of mindfulness is to stay neutral to your experiences with the intention of staying with yourself. The idea is to be alert with a focused relaxation. Thoughts and abreactions in the body will arise. You may notice them and observe them without judgement. They will find that they will soon dissipate and disappear.

Mindfulness helps to improve the processing in the psyche. It helps balance any chemical imbalances in the brain and realign cognitive distortion. It helps bring awareness to thoughts and thinking patterns. It makes conscious your proclivity to analyse, criticise or ruminate in the mind. When you are wide awake to the way you think, and what you tend to think about, you will have the capacity to notice your thinking tendencies, which will, in turn, improve self-awareness and self-consciousness in the realisation. The realisation comes with a sense of achievement and wonders, followed by positive mental and physical feelings.

In the state of mindfulness, your mental and physical state changes any chemical imbalances in the brain. It makes it rewarding and satisfying. This helps you see your inner resilience and inner strength as you successfully become mindful. You could instantly feel an improvement in your entire being. Eventually, you can feel confident in your achievement of being mindful. Before you know it, you are already motivated to keep practising mindfulness.

Mentally, you will soon notice an improvement in your problem-solving ability and reasoning skills. Improving the mind will help reduce psychic tension, such as anxieties, depression, conflicts and afflictions.

Physically, you will soon notice an improvement in your physiological responses to situations, such as lowering heart rate, lowering blood pressure, and improved sleep. The body will benefit from conditions such as gastrointestinal discomfort, chronic pain, illnesses and dis-ease.

Emotionally, you will soon notice a shift in your feelings and emotions. If you were previously pessimistic, a “glass half empty person”, you might notice that you are becoming optimistic, a “glass half full person” now. You might now recognise how you feel about a distressful situation and find a way to resolve it with ease. As you feel comfortable, you will begin to notice your confidence and esteem rising.

“Mindfulness versus Mindlessness? I know which one I would choose.”

There are many creative ways to incorporate mindfulness into our daily lives. You probably already know how to include mindfulness into your daily ritual. I hope you can feel the difference in this way of being when you make mindfulness a part of your life. And that this positive feeling acts as a motivation for you to keep using the technique. Mindfulness is often used with meditation, relaxation, visualisation, hypnotherapy, and more. However, there are different ways you can apply mindfulness to deepen your self-development.

Mindful meditation requires you to sit in a meditative lotus posture, preferrable where you can be close to the ground for grounding and support. The combination of mindfulness and meditation is a marriage made in heaven. It is the most effective approach to a mindful state. You might want to explore using mantra words or statements to repeat silently during the meditation.

Mantra words or statements for motivation might be; you are a master of your mind and body, you are confident, you can achieve greatness, you can achieve relaxation easily. Perhaps you can think of your own mantra.

Affirmations for motivation in your meditation might include statements such as, I am confident, I am calm, I am relaxed in stressful situations, I am motivated, I am committed to self-care and self-love. Perhaps you can think of more affirmations that suit you better.

Body awareness mindfulness acknowledges the body’s physical state. You might notice the body sensation or discomfort in the meditative state, such as coughing, itching, tingling, and warmth. Whatever the sensation, observe it without judgement or critique. The purpose of this approach is to scan the body so that you can develop an awareness of your body. This is especially effective if you are disidentified or dissociated from the body.

Sensory awareness meditation acknowledges sensations such as tastes, smells, sounds and touches on the skin or body. The purpose of this approach is to observe your senses, including your sixth sense. You can become attuned to your senses through this practice. It helps to develop an awareness of your senses. Everyone has a strong preference for their sensory modality. You might be essentially a visual person. However, to be more self-aware, you need to be aware of all your senses.

Emotional awareness meditation concerns your feelings emotions. This approach of mindfulness meditation considers being with your feelings and emotions. However, you might already know that it is difficult to practice mindfulness meditation when an emotion grips you. But, this is the best time to use this technique. In a meditative and relaxed state, you can observe your feelings, name them, locate it in the body and bear with them much easier than in the heightened state. In a heightened state, you are reactive to the experience in the situation. In a relaxed state, you are non-reactive but responsive and aware of the emotions. If helpful, you can go into the meditation and recall an event where strong emotions arise. Practice being with your feelings and emotions. Observe them without judging or giving them narratives or meanings. Accepting them as being a part of you and having compassion for the way they had influenced your responses.

Behavioural awareness meditation involves being in a meditative state with the intention of observing your behaviour in situations. The aim here is to recognise your behaviours, behave, and react in a situation. You might not like a specific behaviour such as excessive alcohol, drug use, gambling, or eating. This approach works well with unwanted behaviours; such as compulsivity, impulsivity, habitual, addiction, as well as maladaptive or destructive behaviours such as self-harming acts. This mindful technique needs a lot of will or volition. A word of warning, a strong sense of self and ego strength is required to try this method.

Basic mindfulness requires you to sit someplace quiet and be physically still. The purpose of this technique is about being with yourself in your inner world. It is essential to be silent, without external sounds (music, TV, radio etc.). You might not be able to avoid the outside sounds. You might experience abreaction such as a cough, an ache, a cramp and others. Bear with it if you want to experience the positivity of a mindful effect.

Simple mindfulness can be applied to other aspects of your life, such as walking or light exercises like yoga. I use mindfulness regularly for all sorts of reasons. I use mindfulness when I am drawing or painting and running or swimming. I am sure you can also think of your own way to incorporate mindfulness with activities in your life—any activities except driving or anything involving risk to your health and wellness.

To summarise, mindfulness breathing is fantastic for personal development and general wellbeing. It is something that can be done effortlessly. After all, you are breathing right now as you are reading this!

If you are struggling and need support, maybe you will give me a call?

Make your Blue Monday Resolution for a Change

In Inspiration, Motivation, Self-care, Self-Development

It is widely known that the third Monday in January has been dubbed the ‘Blue Monday’. The reason for this was possibly due to having over-indulged ourselves from Christmas and New Year’s, after which, we are then in a period of some remorse, regrets or guilt about our intemperance and indulgence. Thus, that is why the majority have a New Year resolution.

Every New Year brings a sense of renewal which elicit change. I want to share some of my New Year’s resolutions to give you some ideas for yours.

Start an exercise regime that you love. If you decide to take up exercise for New Year resolution, make sure it is for the right reason and that you are passionate about it. If you take up exercise to lose weight, for example, your resolution will be short-lived because it is a chore. If you start exercise such as Yoga, Tai Chi, or Pilates because you are passionate about your flexibility, wellness and healthy body balance then your goal will be long-lived. If you love the exercise that you started, your resolution will be long-lived.

“I reconnected to kickboxing which was a part of my Muay Thai roots, and I’m so happy that I’m still doing it a year later!”

Practice mindful acts. When you apply mindfulness to your behaviours, feelings, thoughts and actions, you will become more self-aware. Mindfulness is about making conscious of what you’re doing, thinking and feeling. It is about recognising and making your autonomous processes conscious. In the awareness, you will come to know yourself more intimately, which is a beautiful feeling.
Have a compassionate mind. To have compassion and concern for your mind, you need to be mindful of your thoughts. As you are mindful of your thinking style, pattern and cognition, you will have concern and compassion for the way you think. We all have a different way to process things around us. To know how you think, you need to observe what think and see the pattern of the thoughts.

For example, when someone asked me to do something, I had previously thought it was a form of command because my experiences with authority have been negative.

Having a compassionate mind means having the ability to observe when the thought arises, and notice whether it was based on past experiences or the present situation. Then, you can notice your reaction and have compassion for the part that fear authority or authoritative figure.

Be grateful every day. If your New Year’s resolution is to be grateful. You will need to be appreciative of yourself and have compassion for mistakes that you make in the process of re-learning a new behaviour. Being grateful is having a deep sense of gratitude and thankfulness for something or someone, that include yourself too. Expressing gratefulness to yourself is a part of Self-care and Self-love. An expression of gratefulness to yourself might include feeling a heart-warming, deep sense of gratitude and love. It is a thankful experience of kindness that comes with warmth, and unconditional acceptance. Gratefulness is a constant state of being, it is achievable through having a compassionate mind.

“An example of being grateful, for me, include feeling appreciative of my abilities and limitations..”

Be thankful every day. Make being thankful every day a part of your New Year’s resolution. Even if it is difficult, being thankful gives us a positive feeling. Being thankful is an act of gratification for oneself and others. It is a relief of an appreciation expressed verbally, non-verbally or behaviourally. Being thankful for me include being appreciative of the universe for its guidance and protection.

“I am thankful to the universe for providing me with all my basic needs and psychological needs for growth, for Self-fulfilment and satisfaction.”

Make time to be with yourself in your inner world for peace of mind. It is a great place to be. Your inner world should be your sacred sanctuary. Being in your mind does not have to be unpleasant or stressful. Being in your inner world through meditation will help you connect with all aspects of your beingness. If you struggle to be within your inner world, this New Year’s resolution is ideal for you.

In order to be connected to your inner world and find your inner sacred sanctuary, you got to want to know more about yourself.

You will need to be interested and curious about finding a way to have inner peace.

But, most importantly, you got to face the fears, chaos and shadows in the dark recesses of the mind to see the radiant light beyond it.

Be positive and optimistic. Having positivity and optimism is achievable for everyone. It is about being conscious of your thoughts and reframing the negativity with positive statements. If you are automatically negative in your thinking style, you will need to be mindful and consciously changes your thoughts immediately. Our thoughts and behaviours are habitual through conditioning and experiences relating to others. When you catch your negative thoughts, challenge them and counteract them immediately with positive thoughts.

“I regularly catch my negative criticism when I trip up on something.”

Then, I would remind myself that I am fallible and will make mistakes. I can learn from this. I would reassure myself o my abilities to learn and grow. I would encourage myself not to be fearful of the experience or event because next time, I would and can do things differently. I would praise myself for the kind words and then the feeling of love and appreciation comes with the positive inner dialogues.

Be kind and loving. To be kind and loving to another, you must first have kindness and love for yourself. If you find yourself being kind to everyone, without having loving feelings for yourself, you will become a victim of the persecutors or the predators.

These acts of loving-kindness to others are false and unobtainable. It implies that you are kind and loving for sure, but you act and behave kindly and lovingly to others for the reciprocal acts. You cannot make anyone love you. But, we all do and try, and mostly in vain. This is because we have not learned to be kind and love ourselves first. It can take a long time to have Self-love, but we can begin with having kindness for ourselves.

“I say kind words to myself when I want to create positive feelings. I remind myself that I am loved, by my-Self.

Acts of kindness for myself include looking after my physical and mental states, ensuring that I am nourished and replenished, ensuring that I have fun and play. I make time for joy and happiness. I appreciate the beauty around me, where ever I am.

Learn something new about yourself every day. If you are on a soul searching or Self-discovery journey, this New Year’s resolution might be relevant to you. You will never stop learning until the day you die. We all learn new things every day of our existence.

Learning something new about yourself should be something that you like and find interesting. If you don’t like what you’re learning about yourself, then, you are not yet ready for this wondrous journey because you will learn some things that you might not like.

Self-discovery is about finding out and learning everything about yourself. The more you know about yourself, the more Self-aware you will become. Today, I learned that I love my jobs, I like the varieties in my dual roles. They are opposing roles but has their own rewards. I am neither/or but both/and. For tomorrow, I am certain that I will learn something else new.

Do some thing differently. This New Year’s resolution was a real challenge for me. This is about doing something different in the mundane of life, but it does not have to be a chore or a grind. Generally, we, humans are a creature of habit. Who does not like to have a routine, a schedule or plan or a diary filled with events? To do something differently is about stepping out of our comfort zone, stepping into the unfamiliar. This resolution focuses on changing and change of unhelpful habit patterns. Your habit patterns are not a problem until they are no longer helpful or useful. Our habits serve a purpose to our autonomous processes. If they are still helpful, then there is no issue.

However, if you want growth and development, you do need to be flexible in your approach and processes. Being flexible and adaptable is a positive approach to dealing with the daily challenges of existence.

If you are rigid and inflexible to change, you can become easily stressed, quick to anger or easily anxious about something or someone. Doing things differently does not have to be something big to start off with. I started with small changes such as taking stairs instead of lifts or starting to eat more vegetables and eventually to bigger changes such as changing the way I think or judge others in passing.

Make time to do nothing. This was my favourite New Year’s resolution. I had a real challenge with doing nothing. I am an active person, and I am mostly fidgety which is a habit of restless legs syndrome.

“As a child, doing nothing equates to laziness. I was discouraged from sitting still or being relaxed.”

I was often criticised for not doing something. Doing nothing was unfamiliar to me, especially in the state of relaxation. I noticed that I wanted to do something to help me relax. This mindset took some time to break down because of years of unhelpful conditioning.

I don’t yet know what this year’s New Year’s resolution will be for me, but I know that it will be something that I look forward to challenging myself. I see these resolutions as a goal to attain in the year, but it should also be something that you regularly keep in place year on year.

Have fun creating your New Year’s resolution!

How to maintain a healthy work-life balance

In Inspiration, Motivation, Self-care, Self-Development, Wellness

Maintaining a healthy work-life balance can help reduce stress, give us a sense of stability, steadiness and improved wellness. Having a balance of everything is essential for equilibrium, like the Yin and Yang. When our attention and focus is drawn to one thing over then another, it creates inequality and imbalances in our lives. Here’s how to maintain a healthy equilibrium, especially as many of us are moving toward working from home as our new norm.

Prioritise your time – set your working time and be disciplined to adhere to the working hours. If you have a 9-5 worker, be sure to stick to your schedule. Once, outside this time, you have to ensure that you do not go back to deal with any work issues. Outside your work time, be sure to have fun doing anything that brings you joy and laughter.

Notice where your attention goes, your energy follows – check your inner world. You might not be working outside your working hours, but you might find it difficult to ‘shut off’. If your attention is still in work, then you will energetically have an emotional response to this.
Setting your boundaries – create a separateness between your workspace and the home life. If you don’t have a home office, you might be working on the dining table. When you finish your workday, pack away your office equipment and have clear and separate boundaries between the two activities. You need to have personal and relaxing time outside the work hours.

Have some flexibility with your time boundary – even though you set yourself a working timetable, maintain a flexible approach to your working pattern. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you have to respond to some urgent personal issues. If you need to work later one day, don’t beat yourself up.
Be mindful of your schedule – the mindfulness act helps bring awareness to consciousness. It gives us a realisation of our habitual behaviour patterns.
Keep a healthy mental perception – positive thinking helps improve our wellbeing. A healthy mental perception might include a positive outlook, helpful inner dialogue and having self-compassion when your workload tipped unfavourably.

Find your rhythm – find your balance and explore what works and what doesn’t. You might decide to attend an exercise class one day during the week, but it means finishing half an hour earlier that day. Find another day that you can sacrifice working half an hour later. Keep the momentum going. When you find that happy balance, keep going and do more of it.
Take regular breaks, take some time off – be sure to take regular breaks and lunch in your working day. We forget to take time out during the working hours when we’re at home. We may become self-conscious of our productivity. We may be fearful when working from home. Don’t feel guilty about breaks or rest. Don’t feel bad if you need to pop down to the shop to get lunch. Do take some time off even though you work from home. You do need the time away from the pressure of work.

“The secret to wellness is having a healthy balance in your life.”

Make kindness a part of your daily ritual

In Inspiration, Motivation, Spirituality

November, 13^th is World Kindness day. It is the one day of the year where individuals or groups consciously decide to go out of their way to be kind to another or perform acts of kindness. It might be an act of kindness at home, work, school or any public place. The show of pledges involves doing at least one selfless good deed to another person(s).

“A World without kindness is a world without love.”

Word Kindness day is an excellent start to becoming a part of our community. However, I’d say why stop there? Why not make kindness a part of your daily ritual?

The acts of kindness benefit us all, and it makes the world a better place to live in. When we perform an act of kindness for another, we should not expect anything in return. I am referring to doing kind acts for someone without expecting reciprocal service or returning a favour. The truest act of kindness comes without any conditions. It is simply an act of kindness that benefits another person without any underlying need for payback.

However, the psychological consequence of an act of kindness does have an unwitting benefit to the individual carrying out the kindness. It can help boost our moods, increase feelings of confidence, increase the level of satisfaction or happiness in being a part of something or the world, and helping, generally, bring us joy. Moreover, the Law of Attraction governs that positive acts of service bring the same positive result back into our lives. Additionally, your good deeds may also encourage the individual to pay it forward and carry out the kindness act to another person and so forth.

There is also the science behind the act of kindness. Willing acts of kindness produces oxytocin which is the chemical that lowers our blood pressure, reduces anxieties, reduces our levels of stress and increases our moods and happiness, which benefits our mental health. But, it is so much more. Being kind and doing kind acts for another person help remind us that we are more than ourselves and that we are part of the community and the world. It gives a sense of belonging and being a valued contributor to the community and the world. Thus, it is an attribute to our inner purpose, meaning and values.

With all these positive reasons, what’s stopping you from starting your kindness acts today? But, if you want some ideas, here are some helpful kindness acts to help you get started.

Start with the little thing

The little things matter a lot. The little thing includes giving way, allowing another to pass on pavements or on the road, letting someone in front of you in a queue, offer your seats to strangers, etc. Lend a hand, help someone with a heavy shopping bag, offer to do something for someone random. Give someone your time, attention and focus. Pray for another, send them positive intentions, love and light.

Acts of kindness

Behaving and acting kindly come in many varieties. Behaving kindly includes giving way to someone coming the opposite way on a path, giving up your seat on trains or buses, offering someone you know a lift home. Showing helpfulness in teamwork, adapting a helpful mental attitude to a work colleague, illustrating helpful aptitude in community work are also helpful behavioural traits.

Act of kindness includes purposeful and conscious actions. You would go out of your way to be kind to another. You might stop to help someone cross the road. You might travel to help a friend in need. You might reach out to a work colleague going through a difficult time etc.

Positive Intentions in action

Kindness comes with positive intentions. Positive intention is a planned intent that has a positive introspection. It is a conscious mental construct to be or do something kind to another. The most explicit intention of kindness is to help or be helpful to another. If you are kind to someone without having a positive intention, you might be prone to resentment, jealousy or envy. Check your intention. Are you acting kind because you genuinely want to help or because you felt that you had to, got to, must or should?

Be creative in helping and acting kind

Helping and kindness come with rewards and self-improving moods. We can be creative in being kind without the other person knowing it. A kind act includes doing charity works or donations. In this way, we are acting kind, and we are not directly known. A kind act also includes cleaning up and clearing hazards. Picking a nail and keeping other road users safe is a kind act. Joining your local Wombles is an act of kindness in keeping your community clear and clean. Help elderly neighbours by doing their shopping, dropping off their groceries, or cooking them a meal. Help fellow mums at school and take their children to/from school, or offer to babysit. Offer your time and services in doing charity works is a kind act. Perhaps you can think of other creative ways to be kind.

Spread the love and kindness

Acts of kindness include sending kind messages to a significant person or someone needing love and appreciation. This person might be a work colleague, a friend or a family member. Writing them handwritten note shows that the kind words and considerations had been carefully thought about with affection. Call a friend or family and tell them that you care and have no other agenda than to say that. Spreading love is a kindness of the heart.

Now that you have some idea of different acts of kindness, what are you waiting for? A kindness act begins with you, and the person pays it forward.

“Spreading kindness is like spreading the love.”

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Mental Wellness in Winter

In Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Wellness

In the northern hemisphere, daylight hours are shortened in winter, generally, from last September to March. This means that we get less exposure to sunlight. Sunlight gives us positive mental wellness. It’s warm mentally and physically, as well as being essential to our health. I want to share some of my mental wellness strategies for the coming winter months. Some of these strategies are an adaptation from others, and some are ones I adopted through practising.

But, first on the importance of mental wellness, specifically in the coming months. Mental wellness is as essential as physical wellness. After all, a healthy body equals a healthy mind. Most of us take regular exercises to improve our physical health, whether through walking, cardio-vascular exercises or fitness classes. I regularly take long walks, practise kickboxing and MMA at least four times a week. If we can look at ways to apply the same strategy to our mental health, we are on the way to improving our overall wellbeing.

However, with the upcoming weather changes and shorter daylight hours, we can be affected by the seasonal changes. Seasonal affective disorders (or SAD) are prevalent. Changes in our external environment will invariably affect change in our inner world. I certainly have noticed the fast-approaching dark nights and the lacking of energy.

What are mental health and mental wellness?

Mental health concerns the health of our mind, psyche and mental construct. This includes our thoughts, our thinking style and our mental model of the world. The mind never sleeps because it works to ensure that our internal organs are functioning at all times. It operates on a cycle that recurs every twenty-four hours, and it is better known as the circadian rhythm. Within the circadian rhythm, various internal organs become active in alignment with the meridian circuit at their peak time. Positive mental health and wellness is a balance of the body-mind in one wholistic system working together. Adverse mental health and illness is an imbalance of the body-mind system causing misalignments.

Why do most of us struggle with our mental health in the winter more so than in the spring or summer months?

Many factors can negatively affect our mental health. Most of us will struggle with daily challenges such as worrying about our finances, job insecurities, time-pressured job-related responsibilities, family worries, relationship concerns etc. But, changes in the weather can also be a factor that lower moods and dampen the spirit.

Most of us may struggle with our mental health in the winter months mainly because of environmental changes, but other influences can be. The fluctuation in the atmospheric pressure can lead to lethargy, tiredness and fatigue. The quickening dark nights do limit our time in daylight. The shorter days come with limitations and the desire to hibernate. Our desire to get out of bed when it is still dark can diminished. And we lack the will to do energy. We grapple with staying positive, and our mental health can slide into low moods.

The good news is that we can do something about this, and we are all capable of taking steps to help improve our mental wellbeing during the winter months. The benefits of positive mental health are essential for our overall wellbeing. Here are some helpful strategies to get you through the upcoming months.

Surround yourself with natural (day)light bulbs or lamps

You can buy daylight bulbs or lamps in any lighting shop or online. The benefits of daylight bulbs help increase our exposure to natural daylight. It helps to improve our moods and mental awareness. It also helps to reduce Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Try it for yourself.

Surround yourself with psychic protection

Be in a meditative state. Visualise yourself surrounded by a transparent white light that encased your entire body. Within the protective bubble, feel the warmth of white light energy recharging your spiritual and physical body.

Ensure that you are well-nourished

For a healthy body-mind, we need to take care of the physical body as this helps maintain a healthy mind. Eating a regular, colourful and balanced diet is essential for positive physical health.

Wellness is about balanced in all aspects of beingness. Eating in moderation. Drinking in moderation. Exercise in moderation etc.

Incorporate meditation into your day

Make time for meditation, set yourself the time and space to be with your inner world. This means sitting still, preferably in a quiet and peaceful place, outside if possible. Go inside yourself. Be with your thoughts and allow your mind to wander, and just observe whatever you’re thinking. And notice the different things that your might be thinking about. And see who is observing the thoughts.

Practice mindfulness

Practice being mindful. Mindfulness is a conscious awareness of our thoughts and the mind. It is about making our automatic thoughts and the thing we think about conscious. If you tend to ruminate over a situation, being mindful helps you to notice the recurring thoughts. Then, you can ask yourself why you keep thinking about those thoughts. You should begin to see a pattern of repetitive thoughts or recurring thinking. I often find myself repeatedly thinking about wrongdoers. The individuals who have caused me aggrieved.

Mindfulness is simply being conscious about your present state of being and notice what you are consciously doing, thinking and feeling at that instance. It is about acknowledging what is and accepting the presentness of those sensations.

Nurture your spiritual Self

Naturally, as we take care of our physical body, we also need to consider our Spiritual Self too. Nurturing our spiritual Self include adopting rituals and practices that align with our beliefs, including religious and cultural traditions. Nurturing your soul also include transparency, honesty and being truthful to yourself. This means confessing and admitting your mistakes and take ownership of your responsibilities. Acknowledge your wrongdoings and let go of the false pride. Inevitably, you can find forgiveness for yourself and for others.

Keeping warm

When the temperature drops below our ideal condition, we can be affected energetically. If it’s cold outside, we naturally strive to keep warm. If it’s warm outside, we will adhere to stay cool. Keeping warm physically by insulating our body. Keep warm mentally by ensuring that you wear warm colours, warm food such as chillies or jalapenos peppers, and drink warming beverages. Light a candle – do not underestimate the warmth of a single candle.

“Happiness cannot be persued, it must be ensue.” – Viktor E. Frankl.

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Appreciate the littlest thing, makes the heart sing

In Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Spirituality, Wellness

It can be difficult to find motivation and inspiration at times. I have days when I lack the will to do. When feeling unmotivated and uninspired, we lack interest and enthusiasm in things, people and life. It can dampen our moods without a reason or motive. It comes with an unwillingness to do anything, accompanied by thoughts such as, “Don’t want to do anything”, or, “Don’t feel like doing anything”, or, “Cannot be bothered”.

Psychologically, what we think affects how we feel and act. What we feel affects our thoughts and what we do. What we do affect how we think and what we feel. We can easily be identified with our thoughts, our feelings and our behaviours. But, in reality, we are simultaneously influenced by all three elements, the body, feelings, and mind.

When one lacking motivation and loses interest, it may be because your aspirations and goals are lacking, too vague, too open or unachievable. When in this state, it can be a precursor to pessimism, leading to negative outlooks on life, people, and things. Negative views can eventually spiral into other issues and psychological disorders. Eventually, psychological conditions can lead to physical manifestation within the body somatically. It can be hard to believe for some people who cannot comprehend how something intangible can become symptomatic. Regardless of whether you believe it or not, your mental and psychological disorders are problematic and unhealthy which can lead to physical health problems.

To maintain a healthy lifestyle, we need to take care of the body, feelings and mind in a holistic concept. An inclusive perspective means leading a healthy and balanced lifestyle. We can begin instantly by appreciating the littlest things that bring us joy and happiness. When we can appreciate the simple things in the mundane, our hearts will sing.

When the heart sings, there is an immense joyous feeling. This feeling brings us closer to spirituality and enlightenment. It is a peaceful experience that comes with inner calmness and connectivity with something more than ourselves. The feelings are akin to moments of bliss and euphoria but without any interference or interventions of any substances.

Here are some helpful tips on how appreciating the little things can instantly lift your moods.

Find the little thing to appreciate is not something that can be rushed or obsessed over. It is not something that leads to compulsion. Stop what you are doing and let it go when you feel you are negatively reacting to the process.

Begin with the simple thing.

Begin with the simplest thing. This can simply be appreciating what you have or who you are with. Appreciate what we have is literally that. Start with things that are closest to you. For example, I appreciate the clothes on my back. Appreciate the clothes in my cupboard and the fact that I was able to afford the beautiful things that I have. In the process, you will need to be grounded and embodied in appreciative and thankful thoughts. It is an inner recognition that you want to elicit. Although you are using the external things or stimuli to stimulate.

It is a balance of appreciation and at the same time, know that you are not too attached or unhealthy attached to the items.

Deep appreciation is an inner thankful feeling in which you value its qualities and respect. In this example, you may value your clothes, but the symbolic nature of the process is what you want to tap into. You might appreciate your house and having a roof over your head. You might appreciate your job and be thankful to have employment. You might appreciate the food you are eating, your health, your abilities to learn and grow etc.

Have ago and think about what else you appreciate.

Begin with acts of kindness to the people closest to you

The people closest to you mean individuals nearest to you, as this may not be your immediate family. The people we choose to have around us impact our being. You might have lots of family members but may not live close to them. You might live closer to friends and work colleagues. The people around us influence our lives. Begin by appreciating those around you, that includes your neighbours and the community in which you live. After all, a part of you knows why you have chosen to live where you are. Start appreciating those people that are closest to you.

For example, I am not necessarily a friend to the neighbours, but there is a silent appreciation. I am amiable and pleasant to have them as neighbours. I treat them as I would like to be treated. I am warm and friendly, even if I may not experience them the same way. Even if I experienced them with some hostility and challenges, I remained amiable and pleasant.

The Law of Attractions dictates that what we give out will be returned to us. If we display amiable, warm and friendly behaviours, these qualities will be payback. Act of kindness is easier than you think, and it should not be an effort or a chore. If you struggle with this, check your thoughts in the psyche, observe feelings in your heart, and notice what you believe. You may be unconsciously broadcasting negative messages, and the Law of Attraction will manifest what you hold true.

Appreciate nature

Appreciate the outdoor and nature. Enjoy the freshness and colourful nature of the natural world and be one with nature. Nature therapy is healing and beneficial to our health and wellbeing. When I say being in nature, I mean in the woods, the field, the mountain, a lake or river etc. Nature consists of plants, animals, landscape and all the features that makeup from products of the Earth where life exists.

There are many positive benefits to the outdoor and nature. It gives us the opportunity to connect with our environment and realise that we are supported and provided for. Nature support life, and we are a part of something more than ourselves.

In the awareness of being more than ourselves, we will come to have admiration for the beauty of our world. We can develop respect and cherish the cycle of life in nature and in ourselves. As you cherish the beauty of the outer world, you will begin to feel love for yourself.

But, you will need to really be grounded and be embodied as you experience your environment. You will need to immerse yourself in your surroundings. Take in the beauty of your nearby places and find what is wonderful. It might be the soft, mushy ground that you’re walking on. It might be the feel of the grass beneath your hands or feet. It might be the rough contour of the tree which you are leaning against, etc.

Smile and be joyful

Fake it until you make it. It might seem like an effort and difficult to foster a smile. But, it is effortless. Curl your lips together and grin. Turn that frown upside down! Smiling and positioning our mouth into the smile helps to improve our moods as the body is ‘tricked’ into releasing cortisol and endorphins. We all know all the many benefits of these two magical chemicals in the body. But, did you know that it is also catching?

Fake it until you make it.

Smiling is fantastic and wonderful. It is healthy for the body and mind in reducing our anxieties and stress. It helps lower the heart rate, blood pressure and boost your immunity. A smile a day keeps the misery at bay.

When you smile, you will naturally be joyful; thus, it is effortless. Plus, it will also instantly brighten up someone else’s day when you smile at someone. A smile begins with you. Surely that must bring more smiles to your face.

A smile a day keeps the misery at bay.

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Feeling safe and secure

In Anxiety & Fears, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Emotions, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Wellness

One of the conditions in modern societies that often contributes to stress and anxieties is feeling insecure, threatened, or unsafe. There are many other factors to stress, anxiety and emotional disturbances. But, I want to address issues close to my heart; intrapsychic safety and security. I want to specifically address feeling unsafe and insecure.

Feeling unsafe intrapsychically will inevitably convert to maladaptive behaviours and compulsivity. Feeling insecure intrapsychically often lead to a lack of confidence in one’s own abilities and skills and distrustful of others, and the world.

Generally, feelings are my friend, and I have made acquaintances with almost all of my emotions. I had come to accept feelings and emotions as a part of my experiences to be felt. I had embraced and incorporated feelings and emotions within my being. I have also allowed myself to mindfully and consciously express the feeling felt. I had even released inherited, trapped and preconception emotions, as well as unblocking heart-wall emotions. I had healed compound and post-traumatic emotional reverberation too. But, as an empath, I had learned the hard way how my feelings can still affect me, and most importantly, how other people’s emotions also impacted me. I had occasionally absorbed other people’s emotional resonances, and I had allowed that to affect me.

Feeling unsafe and insecure are intrapsychic emotions. They are the core woundings from a less than ideal early environment in childhood. But, we do not have to let the past define the present or the future. These feelings often stemmed from inconsistency, chaotic and dismissive attachment patterns from our caregivers. But, they are not to blame because they too were the victim of their core woundings.

Feeling unsafe arises when our external environment was hostile and threatening. A child may feel unsafe when their sense of self is physically or emotionally threatened. A child will also feel unsafe, lonely and abandoned when the caregiver is absent or when she is left alone for an extended period. If there is no one to mirror our being, we can lose sight of our beingness. The experiences can trigger body-memory retention, and their physiological response is usually a hypersensitivity to threats in the exterior world. Their fight/flight/freeze response is constantly on the alert and they are hypervigilant to fearful arousal. Imagine the toll this has on the body when it is permanently on alert.

Feeling insecure, succeed feeling unsafe. When feeling insecure, a child feels awkward and inadequate in their abilities, skills and resources. The child lacks confidence, have doubts and distrusts themself, others and the world. Thus, the child will grow up to seek validation from the exterior world, thinking it would soothe their inner sanctum. When we are insecure about ourselves, we compensate for the lacking by constantly looking for ways to feel safe and secure. We also compensate by avoiding situations or people, and we may become controlling, adopting perfectionistic traits, or have obsessive-compulsive behaviours. We will often look for what is missing within outside of ourselves. We do this by collecting (material) things, including having people around us that makes us feel good. Unfortunately, we will not fully soothe that void looking externally when our intrapsychic world is unsafe.

When I feel unsafe going someplace new, I used to make sure that I was early to the event. I would make sure that I arrived at least half an hour before the meeting to have time to settle down and relaxed. This behaviour allows me to feel like I was in control and it was a way of alleviating the discomfort, rather than looking at what was the cause. My strategy was to find ways to have control of situations or events. It was a strategy that worked for a time. Eventually, I had to look within to self-soothe.

In the perpetual cycle of self-fulling prophecy, a person seeks ways to feel safe and secure when feeling unsafe and insecure. However, you can find a way to self-soothe and settle the insecurity within the psyche. Here’s the good news. There are ways in which you can help yourself.

Here are some of the tools and techniques to help you build confidence, esteem and worth. They worked for me and I hope that they work for you too.

Make time for Self-care

Always put yourself first, you matter the most! This is not a selfish thought, but rather a self-care process. You have to look after number one (YOU). You have to move past caring for others first. Undoubtedly, we were conditioned to be considered, to be nice, to be kind to others. We were told to think of others, to be helpful and to be thoughtful of others. We were taught to believe that it matters what others think about us. But, in so doing, we neglected our own needs and care. I certainly thought that if I was helpful, nice and kind, somehow, I would feel safe in being altruistic.

However, it is more important that you treat yourself kindly through self-care rituals than being concerned with other’s people opinions. Self-care ritual is not simply just taking care of yourself physically, but also mentally too. Self-care mental constructs include positive words of affirmation for yourself, have compassion for mistakes of past events, and forgive yourself. For example, I have positive confirmations post-it notes all around the house to remind me of the positive qualities such as “I am safe!”, “I am comfortable in my skin!” etc.

Stop making excuses and start doing

When our external world is unsafe, we introspect and come to believe that our inner world is too. As we continue to think this way, we start to look for ways to feel safe and be safe. We tend to see threats when there are none. We make excuses for people, things and situations to minimise the threat, which may be imaginary. We may make excuses to change our behaviours and our mindsets because we are complacent in the familiar. This can keep us stuck in hypervigilant behaviours.

Change is inevitable and we should embrace it. If you have a resistance to change, start with something small. Perhaps begin with a small change of routine, such as change the direction to work. Walk on a different side of the road! When we start to take these small steps to change it gets easier.

Reframe the way you think

What we think, we will manifest because it was impressed in the mind. If you think that you are not safe, lacking in confidence or not worthy you are essentially broadcasting this unconsciously. We don’t consciously mean to send out these unconscious perceptions but we do, and we project it.

Have you ever experience discomfort or uneasiness in a situation with someone and you don’t know why? It is possible that that person had unconsciously broadcast messages to your unconsciousness. You cannot see it but it is there. Just like the radiowaves being broadcasted from a radio station, you cannot see the radio wave but it is there nonetheless.

Reframing your thinking style simply means reverting the way you think. If you tend to be pessimistic, revert this to be optimistic. It is simply about changing your automatic thoughts and make them conscious. You will need to watch what you think to reframe your thoughts. If you often find yourself saying that you cannot do something, change this to you can! It is about fake it until you make it.

Remind yourself that you are loved

When we feel unsafe, threatened or insecure it is often because the love is not there. Our feelings begin internally as a result of an external stimulus that we introject, but we could also be absorbing other’s people energy and emotion, unconsciously. We can protect ourselves and keep safe by reminding ourselves that we are loved. We are loved by God. We are loved by the Higher Power. We are loved and we can draw power from the universe to recharge our battery, just as we recharge our body through grounding.

We simply need to visualise ourselves being loved, imagine feeling loved, feeling protected and feeling safe within the loving embrace. Try it, find a quiet place, be still and silent. Close your eyes and imagine feeling loved. Even if you have not experienced love in your reality, you can still imagine what it would be like to have loving feelings for yourself. It might help to think about what you love, to experience loving feelings.

I love my inner child! I imagine her face, the innocent, the bright eyes and I recalled other special features to help me feel that love. It might help if you have a photo of the child that you were. Really see her/him. Feel the love for her/him. Take as long as you need. You will know the experience of love when tears well up in your eyes. It might take some practising especially if your experiences of love was absent or hostile or if you are not connected to the essence of your inner child.

Once you have experienced love for yourself, you can emit and project that love towards others. Then wait, watch and see that love returned to you. According to the Universal Law of Attraction, what we give out, we will attract.

With faith, hope and trust, you too can find your safety and security intrapsychically within your inner world. If you hold love and positive intention within your heart, you will receive what you give out.

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Protect yourself and your energy in the Summer months

In Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Emotions, Energy, Energy Healing, Self Help, Self-care, Wellness

Protecting yourself is an essential concept to Self-care and wellness. As summer is approaching and the lockdown is coming to an end, we naturally will venture out and resume our normal lives. We might get carried away and become complacent with the joy that comes with excellent weather. However, there is something wonderfully refreshing about the summer’s months within the UK, where the sun is warm, inviting and energising. It is also a time for play, fun, and joy as we bask in the heat. As we gathered outdoors in the sunlight, our mental health improves with the ambience as vitamin D production increases, lowers blood pressure, improves moods, and promotes mental wellness.

Thus, summer is the time of life and living.

Nonetheless, we still need to take care of our subtle energy body, even though our physical and mental bodies may improve. I am referring to protecting your energy and spirit body just as the precaution that most of us will take to protect our physical body from the blazing heat. Energy protection is a form of protection that anyone can do and incorporate into their daily life with minimal effort.

We recognised that taking care of our physical body is essential to physical and mental wellness. It is also equally important to take care of our energetic body and our spirit body.

Our physical body is made up of energy. Our emotions are energy. Everything is energy, and energy is everywhere. Emotions have energy. Our thoughts, whether it is conscious or unconscious, have an energy signature. Science has indicated that the human body is made up of atoms, protons and molecules. It may be difficult for some to comprehend, but the evidence is clear. It is a matter of whether you choose to believe it or not. Of course, there are always disbelievers when it comes to something that one cannot see. But, just like the air you breathe, energy is also invisible, and nonetheless, it exists.

“Energy is everything and everywhere. You are made up of energy. Your emotions have an energy signature. You thoughts have an energy frequency. Energy cannot be eliminated and nor can you get rid of it. It can only be transformed.”

However, if you are remotely curious, please read on. Energy healing and energy work is something that I have embraced quite by chance for a logical and analytical person. As with most people, I was certainly taught to be logical within the educational establishments where our knowledge and skills are measured by grades. If I could scientifically and clinically prove it, then it was believable. But, as I continued into further studies, I realised that there are things that one cannot explain with science.

However, energy can be explained by science. Energy is generated when there is an exertion of power or force, according to physicists. The quantitative law determines the exchanges of dynamic force in a reaction to cause and effect.

Thus, according to thermodynamics, energy cannot be destroyed or created. But, it will naturally change state. We gain energy through chemical reactions and emotional responses. But, we also lose energy through eliminating waste, changes in temperature and heat loss. Energy will be transformed, transferred, distributed or dispersed to dissolve its form. The energy within our bodies can become lodged and stuck within our energy field when we are in distress. Therefore, protecting ourselves from energy interferences are essentials for physical, emotional, psychological, mental wellbeing.

So, with summers coming, I want to share some of the ways you can protect your energy that has proven useful to me.

Get in touch with your emotions – state your feelings and emotions by naming them. Acknowledge your emotions and feelings and bear with them. If you suppress or repress it, they will come back time and time again.
Say a little prayer. I found it most helpful to ask for help. I say a silent prayer just before bedtime, during a stroll, or while sitting or contemplating to ask for divine guidance. Ask for a sign that will help you in your healing journey or ask for a sign to show you what you need to do to eliminate energy zapper.
Aura sweeping – Try this method from YouTube.
Ground yourself with meditation – seek to recharge your energy by tapping into the Earth’s energy with this meditation.
Energy clearing practice – take some time to get yourself recharged with this energy clearing technique.
Stay healthy, eat well and live long – eat a balanced and nutritional diet. Avoid excess processed food, junk food, caffeine, excess sugar or salt or food high in calories.
Make sure you get enough sleep – an adult requires about seven hours of sleep per night. A good nights sleep is essential for our mental, emotional and physical health.
Make sure you exercise regularly – try twenty minutes of exercise per day.
Limit your alcohol intake.
Take up leisure activities or hobbies – having that interest you will help you recharge an energetic battery. Doing something joyful or fun have a positive effect on your soul.
Stay hydrated – make sure that you stay cool and hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Water is the elixir of life.
Smudge your energetic body and your environment. You can either use a smudge herb stick or spray.

It might be helpful if you can incorporate an energy cleansing activity into your daily ritual. You will find it easier to do and you won’t need to think of it as a chore if you build the activity in your life. You can begin to see subtle differences over time, or you might see a dramatic difference rightaway if your energy is stagnant.

When you are doing energy work, you will feel the sensations such as a wave of heat through your body as you are recharged. You might feel a surge of tingling, prickly sensation or a rush of goosebumps in a specific area or all over the body as you bathe in the energy field.

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Accepting what is

In Compassion, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Trust, Wellness

Acceptance, according to Buddhist principles, is the belief in accepting what is. Accepting life as it comes. Accepting one’s responsibility and action. Accepting one’s personality and qualities, both positive and negative. It is a concept that embraces karma as well as fate. It is a way of going with what is rather than resist and become distressed with what is not. It means surrendering control and power to the unforeseeable forces of nature and the universal laws of cause and effect. It can be an unfamiliar and challenging notion to practice if you have strong precedence to control your life. To begin accepting what is means letting go of the locus of control. Letting go of what you think you have control of in your life.

Acceptance is a concept of belief that recognises the validity of a thing or situation as it is. It is a conscious act with a positive intention for open-mindedness. It is to perceive something or a problem with a realistic view without judgement, assumption or supposition. In Psychology, acceptance is a catharsis, and it is a process of healing our cognition and emotion. But, if we can extend acceptance to all aspect of our lives and ourselves, we can come to a place of peace.

However, to accept something or someone, we need to understand ourselves implicitly. It means looking within to check our belief system, mindset, prejudices and judgement that we hold from our lived experiences. It is about observing our ethical and moral values. As social beings, humans are generally easily influenced, and our actions impact those around us. As we are influenced by others, we believe some of the things others say, especially those we idealised. As we accept those individuals, we are shaped by those in our environment in conformity. If something that we received differs from those we already believed, there will be an internal conflict. If we are stifled by others for our unique thinking, we may become a scapegoat or an outcast, which also causes inner dissonance.

To be able to accept what is, here are a few tips that I have tried and tested. They are the tools and strategies that work for me over the years in training and practising as a therapist. They may seem like common sense, but sometimes the simplest things are most effective.

“The greatest gift of enlightenment to give to anyone is to share it.” – Buddha.

Here are some helpful tips to accepting what is

Letting go of things (and people) that are unhelpful to you for the moment while you work through your processes and learning how to accept what is. This could mean walking away from a difficult situation without a resolution. It could also mean physically letting go of your attachment to those things and people, and you will need to be disciplined in sticking to your decision. I found it most challenging to let of an unhealthy friendship. Even with positive intention, you cannot control the reaction that will be present in the other when they feel rejected as you let go of the relationship.
Recognise that you can change the thing that you can and cannot change the thing that you cannot. This is about realising what is within your control and boundary. You can change your behaviours and your actions, but you cannot change those in others.
Acknowledge the loss of letting go. When you consciously acknowledge something, you have an understanding of it happening, even if you have a belief around it. You might believe that you needed some space to work through an emotional reaction to something that a friend has said. As you let go of the relationship to process your response, you will experience a loss. The loss needs to be processed, and by giving yourself time, you are working through forgiving your grief.
Find your pleasure and soothe yourself in the learning process and in the grief. We often take self-care for granted, but it is now one of my favourites. Finding what makes you happy and joyous is a way to appreciate ourselves. You can easily build a self-care ritual into your daily routine. The trick is to find that joy. In the learning process, you can explore what makes you smile. In the grieving process, you can find what will comfort those tears. In the anxieties of facing the unresolved situation, you might discover that mindfulness help. Use your inner healer or go on an inner vacation with these meditations.
See, feel and know that it is not personal. Set your intentions to honestly look at the situation. Feel and experience the tension so that you can learn from it. Acknowledge what happened has a reason, even if this reasoning is not yet clear to you. Even if you suspect ill-intention from others, you can say to yourself internally that this too shall pass. You cannot change the way other feels. You can only change your perception.
Adopt a self-forgiveness policy. Forgiveness is a process or action that pardon someone, something or ourselves. It can be difficult, but with practice, you can learn it too. Forgiveness is about removing the blame from the other, including yourself. It is about having compassion for your action, response and those of others too. Forgiveness works well with love and understanding in conjunction with a compassionate mind.
Surrender. When you stop resisting, you will become receptive to the situation, a thing and people. To surrender means to let go and submit to what is. This is not the same as giving up, however. When you surrender to what is, you are opening up to spirituality and faith. This is a soulful experience of relinquishing control and trusting in life and the universe. The intention is to release the embodied experience and free the spirit to the constraint of the existential dilemma. It is similar to letting to, but you are doing it at the soul level. Try meditation and work on developing trust.

Accepting what is is a personal challenge that I sometimes struggle with because mistakes happen in the reality of a situation, especially in a relationship. It is an ongoing process, and one should not place emphasis on achieving and then forgetting it. It is not about ticking the box, and you are done with it. But, the more you practice and adopt this way of being, the more familiar you will become with accepting things, situation, people, life and yourself.

“Peace comes from within. Do not resist it.” – Buddha.

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