Author: pwelling Page 2 of 3

Men’s Health Matters

In Mens Health, Mental Wellbeing, Self-care, Self-Development

In this month’s blog, I would like to highlight men’s health. The essential differences between men and women are apparent, according to British psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen. He stated that some men struggle to talk about feelings because they are hard-wired in the brain for ‘systemising’ to understand and build systems. However, it isn’t to say that this is the only reason why men rarely seek therapy or visit the doctor as regularly as women. Perhaps, there is something beyond our biology but more to do with one’s environment. Men’s health matters as much as women’s, and I want to address it here because there is a disparity in societal awareness.

 If you research men’s health, you will that men are just as concerned with some of the health issues faced by women. Some of those issues, according to WebMD, include depression, anxieties, panic, alcoholism, heart disease, prostate problems, erectile dysfunction and hair loss, just to name a few. In the UK, one in eight men experiences health issues, specifically around Mid-life as an existential crisis. There is an unconscious transgenerational trance that put pressure on men in modern societies. The pressure includes being the breadwinner, the provider, the protector, the saviour. These unhelpful roles and expectations put a continuous constraint on men on a daily basis. Men’s health matter, and we can break free from the limitation of those archaic beliefs. We can all do our part in changing our expectation of the men in our lives. We can encourage our partner, our dads, our grandad, and our male friends to be opened to their feelings and emotions, including concerns for their health and wellbeing.

 Men have genuine health concerns, which we should all validate. Suicide, for example, are higher in men than women, resulting from depression. Still, there is a lack of awareness, ineffective communication and unhealthy work-life balance from expectation in the workplace and at home. We can all help to minimise men’s health risks and have compassion for the inner struggle they faced and unable to vocalise.

“Health is the greatest gift, contentment is the greatest wealth.” – Buddha.

Here’s how you can help

  • Trust your instinct when you notice the subtle signs

If you are a wife, girlfriend or partner and suspect that your spouse struggles with his mental health. Trust your instinct and speak out for him. With his systemising brain, he might not be able to express the feelings and emotions associated with the physical symptoms of struggles. It would be an intimate experience within the relationship if you initiate the conversation. You might begin with something like, “I wonder if you are struggling with work, I noticed that you have been tired from working late all this week”, or “I wonder if you are experiencing something difficult because you have been avoiding being intimate with me?”. The subtle signs that you notice could be the beginning of a physical health issue.

  • Begin with your feelings

 When you being a conversation with an acknowledgement of your feelings and emotions, it gives the other person permission to express theirs. Most men struggle to tell you how they feel and what they think. If you make a start, it helps to normalise freedom of expression. It doesn’t come naturally to men, remember. It does not mean that they can’t learn. When you express your feeling toward them, it also helps them see, hear and understand your concern. You might begin with, “I feel like we have drifted apart, and I feel sad about that; what has been going on for you lately?” or “I feel sad and experience a distance between us because we have not been intimate, is there something you are feeling also?”

  • You cannot force what doesn’t come naturally

Generally, men will resist talking about feeling and emotion because they are not naturally emphatic. They should not be forced to have a ‘girly’ talk but rather encourage. They could be a mindset that prevents them from expressing their feeling. It might have been from conditioning in childhood that made them considered talking and showing emotions as signs of weakness. If that’s the case, we have to help them unlearned those unhelpful conditions. We would do this with love and patient, not shouting or nagging.

“If one speaks or act with a pure mind, happiness and love will follow.” – Buddha.

  • There are times when you need to take control

You might find that you will need to take control of their health matters. I don’t know if you feel the same, but I often have to book my husband’s doctors appointment for him. I even had to schedule his COVID-19 booking because he kept postponing the task. There might be fear in that. There might be a mindset that says, why fix it when it still works? Taking control and taking charge of your man’s health is you addressing the avoidance. You might even consider initiating a discussion as taking control. It is easy to bury our heads in the sand, but it shouldn’t be ignored when it comes to health and wellbeing.

  • Validate and affirm their experiences

 Sometimes it is difficult to express our emotions and feelings. The intensity of our emotions can control us and take over the logical, practical mind. We can’t work or do anything if we spend all our time in tears or emotional turmoil. It can feel lonely when we are consumed with emotions. When our emotions overwhelm us, we can validate them and accept them rather than repress them. We need to make friends with our feelings. We can help our husband, boyfriend or partner by validating emotions that overwhelmed them and affirm their struggle. In the acknowledgement, you are allowing them to be okay as they grapple with the inner brawl.

  • Appraisal, not appeasing

Who doesn’t like a compliment? The majority of us love being complimented and appraised. However, sometimes people struggle to say something nice. It is more habitual for us to critique rather than being pleasant. Many of us take our loved ones for granted, which is unhelpful. If we want to help bring awareness to our male partner’s health, we need to appraise his ego. But, be careful not to appease him by satisfying his egoic or narcissistic needs. An appraisal comes from the heart, and it is expressed with kindness. But, an appeasing comes from a place of fear.

“Never let your fear decide your future.” – Buddha.

  • Do not shame, blame or guilt-trip

It takes a lot of courage for people to share. It can seem like they have to build up their inner strength to talk about something personal, especially if it is something intimate and private. As a listening, it is most unhelpful to shame, judge or blame the person in the disclosure. Even if you displayed signs of shock or disbelief, it could be off-putting. Notice your reactions in response to what was shared when a man wants to address his hair loss problem, for example. There are deeper psychological emotions behind the feelings being displayed. For the man, it might be a loss of his fragility or virility. Never make them feel guilty for what men share because all things disclosed are genuine concerns and valid.

“It is easy to see the fault in others, but it is more difficult to see one’s own faults.” – Buddha.

What I have highlighted here is no mean extensive to men’s mental health or worries. You can probably come up with many other ways to help spread men’s health awareness. It starts with you, and you can make a huge difference someone whether he is a friend, family member or work colleague. With loving-kindness, you can really help men open up about their health concerns especially when you show a willingness to listen and express interests in their health and wellbeing.

“No one can walk the path for you, but you can share and unburdern you load.” – Unknown.

Do you find this blog helpful? If you like this post, I love to hear from you on my Twitter Page.

Mental Health Awareness

In Compassion, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Wellness

Mental health is a recognition of our psyche and our psychological wellness. It is a way of looking at the conditions of the mind and relating to the mind. And when we look at the psyche, we also need to consider the health of the mind. In an acknowledgement of our state of mind, we will understand and have an awareness of our mental health.

In the same way, as we take care of our physical health, the body. We would ensure that we get enough sleep, eat well, exercise and have adequate rests. It is now becoming more apparent that we would benefit from taking care of our mental health, the mind. It would ensure that we are mindful of reducing stress tension on the grey areas of the brain, improving planning, helping with problem-solving abilities, and enhancing concentration and mental clarity.

As a therapist, I work with clients to connect the body, feelings and mind to promote wholeness within an individual. However, in this month’s blog, I want to address the mental aspect of wellness and to be more aware of your mental health.

Mental health has been a challenge that has recently spiked on the global scale since the pandemic. It has long been a part of Western societies since the birth of psychiatry, and possibly longer than that. Mental disturbances are a challenge that poses psychological and physical discomfort in the individual. Mental disturbances can range from worrying about your loved ones to concern for their safety and welfare. It is any disturbances that are constructed in the mind. The longer we are exposed to these disturbances, the more problem it poses on our mental health. Thus, our mental wellness depends on the way we think and how we construct our inner world.

Not only that, there are some judgements towards people with mental health issues as well. There are also prejudices or preconceived ideas that people may have towards someone with mental health problems, not necessarily based on reasons or experiences. These individuals’ subjective experiences can often do more harm than good to any person experiencing mental illness or disorder. Within the awareness of mental health problems, I will also address the stigma behind mental health awareness.

To understand mental health further, I want to begin by highlighting the four primary types of mental illnesses. They include:

  • Anxiety disorders such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, extreme fears and phobias.
  • Depressive disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder and mood disorder.
  • Personality disorders such as maladaptive behaviour, self-defeating and self-destructive behaviour.
  • Psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia and psychosis.

These four major types of mental illnesses extend to other psychological conditions, potentially leading to poor mental health, especially over a long period of suffering. Our mental wellness includes all aspects of the mind, including our thinking, thought processes, the mental construct, perception, psychological framework, and social wellbeing.

The influences of those around us shaped our sense of Self. The conditioning and the way we were brought up will impact the mental aspect of our health. If we experienced a positive, nurturing, and supportive environment, we are likely to foster a healthy mental state. But, if our experience was negative, hostile and unsupportive, we are likely to have an adverse mental state. This can worsen our cognitive processes and further distort our inner view of the world.

“A negative mind will never give you a positive thoughts.” – Buddha.

Furthermore, when our mental being is fragile with a negative experiential outlook, we can become sensitive to experiences with others. As our feelings are heightened, our emotions might get the better of us. Before we become aware of our mental state, we have just control of our behaviour and action. As we internalised the external problem, we often conclude that we overreacted to a situation. However, that may not be the case. But, it is possible that, in the heat of the moment, our outburst was confused with it being exaggerated or misinterpreted as dramatic. As the individual suffering from mental health picks up these unhelpful cues, it can be read as insensitive or judgmental. This seemingly minor engagement can have a detrimental effect on a person with mental sensitivity.

Mental health awareness is the ability to develop compassion for ourselves and our mental construct as well as the mental capability of another. It is also about treating ourselves and others the way we would like to be treated. It is about watching our thoughts and thinking well of ourselves and others. Having an awareness of our thought processes give us realisation. In the realisation, we become compassionate with ourselves and how our mind works things out.

Here are my helpful tips on how to be more aware of your mental health wellbeing.

  • Watch your mental construct

Watch your internal self-talk. Watch how you talk to yourself, including the use of your language. Listen to how your mind makes sense of the situation, how you read things, and how it is constructed in your mental images.

For example, if you see yourself sitting in the waiting room, tapping your feet. The underlying observation might be that your behaviours indicated nervousness or impatience, depending on what follows your thoughts. Anxiety, for instance, is a construct that follows a set of behaviour and thought pattern.

  • Observe your inner feelings

“It is easier to see the faults in others and blame others than it is to look within and see our own faults.” – Buddha.

Observe your internal feelings and emotions in response to your behaviour and initial thoughts. Thoughts give rise to our internal state, which drives our behaviour and action. If you can recognise your inner feelings in response to your thinking, you can notice that you can own your emotions. Sometimes, we blame others or the situation for how it makes us feel, but if you are truly honest with yourself, you will see that your thoughts about the situation or person trigger your emotions and feelings. Isn’t it time you take responsibilities for how you think and feel?

In the above example, observing your inner feeling might include seeing what it is about waiting that is anxiety-provoking for you. Are you feeling nervous about the meeting, which then led you to tap your feet nervously?

“Be patient, be yourself, judge nothing and everything will come to you when the time is right.” – Buddha.

  • Notice your response to a situation

Notice your response to a situation or person. Notice your behaviours and reaction to a situation or person can help bring awareness to mental processes. Your response to others or condition depends on your subjective experiences. However, your personal experiences are not the whole of you. It is only a part of you as a whole. Having an understanding of your behaviour will you help maintain control of yourselves and your behaviour. It also projects confidence to others in the way you remained in control of yourself. If you cannot control yourself or your response, how do you expect others to respond to you?

  • Check your unconscious gain

“Appreciate what is and expect nothing because life is what is it.” – Buddha.

Unconscious gain is a complex mental process that the individual has no awareness of the self-serving proceeding activities. It is often an attempt to reduce anxieties and distress within oneself. Can you be honest with yourself and admit your unconscious gain? If you can be honest with yourself, you can begin to have a relationship with yourself. Being honest with yourself means acknowledging your behaviour, feelings and action. Can you recognise that you may have overreacted in a situation because you did not like being accused of something? Can you admit that you may have lost control in an attempt to defend yourself in an argument? Realising your unconscious gain behind your behaviours will help you understand your needs.

In the above example, the unconscious gain behind tapping your feet while in the waiting room might be your way of alleviating the inner nervousness.

“It is better to conquer yourself than win other’s battle. Then the victory is reward that no one can take away from you.” – Buddha.

  • Reframe your belief system

Reframing your belief system is simply a way to think differently about your belief system. It is about changing your mindset to mindful. It is a way of challenging your thoughts, beliefs and then change them. It is adaptive and flexible thinking.

A belief system is a mindset that you have established or learned based on lived experiences. It is your mind-set-in-stone. It is a rigid belief about something or someone. In contrast, mindfulness is a conscious and flexible approach to thinking. If you can challenge your idea, you can begin to improve your thought processes, leading to mental wellness.

Per the above example, you might have negative experiences of waiting for something or someone. Your negative experience might include negative feelings such as rejection. Thus, this might have given rise to a mindset that waiting will lead to bad news or bad feelings. If this was the belief, you could ask yourself, what evidence do you have that indicated that waiting (this time round) means that you will also receive bad news? Where is it written or documented that waiting equates to rejection? Remember that just because you had that bad experiences in the past does not mean that all future outcome will be the same.

Reframing your belief can be difficult if people around you still reinforces the idea. It would help if you have the will (volition) to challenge the thought. If you are struggling with reframing, ask yourself what the benefit of having the belief is? Who is benefiting from the mindset? How is the belief serve you?

“What you believe becomes your reality because the thoughts created in your mind, the mind makes it happens.” – The Law of Belief.

  • Challenge yourself to change the way you think

Challenge yourself to change your thinking pattern and find an alternate way to look at things. There is no wrong way to challenge your thoughts. Any form of challenge is the right way, I’d say. One of the easiest ways to challenge yourself is to question yourself—questions like why, what, or how are a great way to get your mind to rethink the problem. Why did I think that waiting here today, at this appointment, means that it will be the same as the last meeting? What makes me think that this appointment will turn out like the last one? How is this meeting the same as the previous?

You are more than your mind. Therefore, you are more than the way you think and what you think. Thinking is just what you happen to do because the brain does not shut up. Thoughts will always intrude on the psyche. But, thought forms, and then they disappear. When you give focus, attention and meaning to the ideas, your thinking and other thought-forms arise to become problematic. It is at this point that having a compassionate mind is helpful. If we fight against our thoughts, we are essentially fighting against ourselves. Let’s face it, why does anyone want that internal struggle.

Like anything in life, the more you practice, the more proficient you will become. Having an awareness of ourselves helps us to know more about our wellness. Plus, learning things about ourselves should be an enjoyable experience. What’s not to like about yourself?

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose, and you can find it by giving your heart and soul to the journey of discovery.” – Buddha.

Do you find this blog helpful? If you like this post, I love to hear from you on my Twitter Page.

Bless the Stress

In Compassion, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Emotions, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Stress, Wellness

We cannot escape our daily stress as much as we want to eliminate the tension and pressure of life. In this month’s blog on stress awareness, I want to highlight the different aspects of stress, healthy vs unhealthy, stress types, including stress symptoms.

In everyday conversation, the word stress can conjure many different meanings to the speaker and the listener because of our subjective experiences. I might say that I’m stressed when I am under pressure at work or when other people put a strain on me.

A stressful situation for one person will inevitably be different. People are divergent and will have a different way to view or manage problems. From our lived experiences, these individuals can often draw upon their internal resources to cope with stress. However, it does not mean that you can’t learn to build your inner strength.

 

“Stress is a mental state; both emotional and physical arise due to tension, pressure or strain from an adverse or demanding person or situation.”

Stress is a mental state; both emotional and physical arise due to tension, pressure, or strain from an adverse or demanding person or situation. It is a drama in the psyche and manifested as a reaction, co-created into a reality. Any thoughts, conditions or circumstances can create stress in any person. I find that it is helpful first to check whether stress is healthy or unhealthy.

Healthy stress occurs in situations when your reaction is in proportion to the circumstance. For example, the day before an important job interview, you might be stressed because of additional urgent work requests from your line manager. The added pressure of the extra workload on top of nervousness for tomorrow’s interview is healthy stress when you can manage both challenges.

Unhealthy stress occurs when your reaction is out of proportion to the circumstance—sticking to the same scenario above. When stress overwhelmed the person, it becomes unhealthy. If this person becomes panicky and angry at the urgency of the request, combined with automatic negative thoughts of the must or should, and voila. The individual may make mistakes, creating unnecessary time constrain to the additional workload. The problem can quickly escalate and inundate the person’s feeling, emotions and reactions, magnifying the situation.

How we think and react can create or break the situation into a stressful or stress-free one. There are three main types of stress; acute, episodic and chronic. I shall now review the different kinds of stress in more details.

Acute stress is any situation that develops quickly but does not usually last longer than a month or so. The event is often severe due to an unexpected crisis or trauma, such as loss of a relationship, job or identity. If the symptoms persist longer, it could lead to a disorder, such as post-traumatic stress disorder. In which case, please, seek medical assistance from a qualified physician.

Episodic stress is any situation that frequently occurred, expected or unexpected. It often arises from recurring conditions that caused repeated stressful reaction. There may be a pattern to episodic stress, such as in the workplace, household, or specific person.

Chronic stress is any situation that causes prolonged emotional and psychological disturbances. In this situation, the stress may initially begin as acute stress, which became a problem over a long period of time, sometimes many years.

As you become aware of your stress level, you also need to know your stressful sources, whether internal or external. Any form of stress that lasts more than a week can become a problem if it is not processed. Processing begins internally within ourselves. We have to look within for the source of our emotional and psychological reaction to the situation. If you can start to take responsibilities for your stress and acknowledge the feelings, emotions, behaviours and reactions, you are on the road to change.

“Processing begins internally within ourselves.”

Unfortunately, we are the culprit for much of our stress as we can also put pressure on ourselves. A perfectionist may put pressure on herself to do a good job. Add a ‘must’, ‘should’ or ‘ought to’, ‘got to’ to the inner voice or belief, and you have the individual thinking, ‘I must do a good job’ or ‘I got to be good at my job’.

Sometimes knowing symptoms of any distress within yourself can be helpful, as you can check whether your reaction is in proportion or disproportion to the circumstance.

Some of the physiological symptoms of stress include:

  • Aches, pains and tense body or muscles.
  • Upset or knotted stomach, IBS, diarrhoea, constipation, sickness, nausea.
  • Low energy, tiredness, fatigue, sleeplessness.
  • Chest pain, rapid heartbeat, hotness, sweating, redness, feeling flush.
  • Headaches, earaches, dry mouth, clenched or grinding teeth, including a locked jaw.

Some of the emotional symptoms of stress include:

  • avoidance, avoiding others, avoiding confrontation.
  • Depression, low moods, or moodiness.
  • Anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, or feeling panicked.
  • Irritability, anger, frustration, anger and aggressive outbursts.
  • Loneliness, isolation, feeling like a failure, feeling useless.

Some of the cognitive symptoms of stress include:

  • Problem focusing, concentrating or thinking.
  • Poor judgement, or make an incorrect decision due to panicking.
  • Worrying, obsessing or compulsivity.
  • Constantly ruminating about the negatives.
  • Have doubts about one’s ability, knowledge and skills.
  • Unable to make a decision, unsure and uncertain about making decisions.
  • Thinking about old stresses and past events.

Some of the behavioural symptoms of stress include:

  • Nervousness, twitching, nail-biting, teeth grinding, pacing etc.
  • Being jumpy, shaky or freezes in reaction to situation, person or circumstance.
  • Prone to violence, hostility, disruptive or defiance behaviour, including sabotage.
  • Increase or decrease food consumption.
  • Increase consumption of alcohol, smoking or drug use.
  • Increase compulsivity for exercise, gambling, or other maladaptive behaviours.
  • Self-harming.

The thing to note is that you can learn to manage your stress. Everyone can learn how to cope with their emotional, physical stress. We are all capable of re-educating ourselves. Learning to discover something new out ourselves is a joy. I had found that you can make learning fun, exciting, explorative and curious. Suppose you can hold this concept when you learn about yourself in a stressful situation. In that case, you will become appreciative and compassionate about yourself and the stresses around you because you are not your stress. Here are a few pointers:

  • Know your triggers

Knowing your trigger will help you notice your stress pattern. Knowing this fact may be helpful to master your internal emotional reaction in a stressful situation. Knowing is an acknowledgement or awareness of what was previously elusive to you. It is about being conscious of what was unconscious about you.

One of my triggers used to be that I was highly anxious about travelling to someplace new without knowing where to park. The stress of finding a parking space was thought-provoking. I was worried about not finding a spot to park safely. I was maximising the problem by creating a traffic jam within my mind. I was anxious about being late as a result of not finding a safe spot for the car.

  • Know your reactions

 Know your reaction will help you notice how you were in the situation. Knowing this fact may help you see, feel, or think about your response and healthy or unhealthy. Knowing that will help you sense how you are within yourself and how you responded to the situation, including those around you. Knowing this will help you decide whether or not you might need to change and try reacting differently.

In the stressful situation above, I would create a dramatised, visualised scenes. My mind could create a drama. I imagined driving around, looking for the perfect spot for the car. I would imagine an accident or road work creating a delay in my travel. I could feel myself walking in the meeting late, being hot and bothered.

  • Know your thoughts

Knowing what you think about will help you make sense of your inner voice. Listening to what you say and how you talk to yourself in a stressful situation will help you become in control of the situation, rather than allowing the problem to control you. We are often overly critical of ourselves. We can be the harshest critique. But, if we can be compassionate and kinder to ourselves, we can be free of the thoughts and let them go easier.

In my mind, in the above situation, I was critical. I used to say that I was a drama queen! I used to say that I was attention-seeking as I ran into class late. I used to think that I was unorganised, chaotic and unable to prioritise. I used to believe that I would be ‘told off’ if I was ever late for appointments.

  • Learn to speak to yourself differently

Now, try learning to speak to yourself differently. If you used to shout at yourself internally, why not try speaking softly this time. Hopefully, you will notice that the impact is dramatically reduced. You may start to notice an alternate feeling associated with the gentle inner voice. You also may hear yourself speaking using contrasting words, kinder and loving expression. The change begins with small and enlarges, like a ripple.

I noticed my inner critique, and I named her. The inner voice was familiar. I recognised her from before. She was an archetype of someone in the long distant past. Naming her helped me to notice her, and thus I became aware of how she had created the inner stress, which manifested in situations in my external world. She had been the causes of my tensions. When I noticed that, I noted that I had choices. I chose to change her tone, and I chose to look at her different until I see her in a different light.

Having an awareness of your stress can be helpful in most situation or circumstance, but it is also a great way to learn something new about yourself.

After all, learning something new about the self is especially exciting to psychological growth and spiritual development.

“Stress begins like a ripple. It starts of small but can quickly turn into somthing larger and bigger.”

Do you find this blog helpful? If you like this post, I love to hear from you on my Twitter Page.

Heal while you sleep

In Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Sleep, Wellness

Generally, it is recommended that we have at least eight hours of sleep a night. That’s a third of our 24-hours day. I don’t know about you, but I don’t always get eight hours, even if I get to bed at a reasonable time. Why do many of us have trouble sleeping? I want to address this a little closer.

“Sleep is the best medicine.” – Dalia Lama.

Sleep is essential, and there are many health benefits. There are lots of literature on this topic and many helpful articles. Some of the advantages of a good night sleep include; rested body and rested mind, improve memory, concentration and cognitive functions, lower your blood pressure, reduces heart diseases, stress, depression and increase immunity. You will also be happy to know that a restful sleep can lead to weight loss as your body continues to produce hormones ghrelin and leptin while you enjoy your slumber.

During the nocturnal hours, your body’s naturally crave sleep because your internal biological clock or the circadian rhythm is synchronised with the day/night cycle of the diurnal rhythm. The circadian rhythms determine our physical, mental and behaviour changes in the flow of the 24-hour cycle. It is essentially your internal biological body clock. Whereas the diurnal cycle is any environmental pattern that recurs every 24 hours as one full rotation, such as the day/night or the high/low tide. Thus, it can be seen as an external environmental clock.

When these two rhythms are synchronised, your mind, body and state will benefit from nature therapy. As you sleep, your body works to repair your internal organs, muscles, cells and regenerates. Melatonin is a hormone naturally produced by the pineal gland during sleep. Deep in the brain, near the epithalamus, situated above the thalamus, is the pineal gland, also known as the ‘third eye’. Melatonin also helps to control your circadian rhythm and regulates health and healing hormones. Thus, you can heal yourself during your sleep.

There are many reasons why people experience sleeping problems from mild, acute to chronic sleep disorders such as insomnia, sleep apnea, narcolepsy, restless legs syndrome or REM sleep behaviour disorder such as sleepwalking.

The inability to sleep or sleep well at night depends on your internal and external stressors, mental states, food that you have eaten and health condition. Many other factors also prevent us from sleeping, include anxieties, traumas and crises can interfere with our sleep habit as we lay down to rest. Unfortunately, this cacophony rings in our mind, and it can ruminate in the psyche as we sleep, becoming a nightmare that disrupts our natural healing process. If you take your woes to bed, when you close your eyes and managed to get a wink of sleep, it won’t be long before the problem invades your dreams. What you mentally think about will become your mental reality within the dream state.

Many of us have trouble sleeping because we take these problems to bed with us. I’ve done it. I had a bad day and could not shake off something that happened that day. As I replayed these in my mind, in bed, they became my nightmare.

Have you ever gone to bed after an argument? Or, after emotional distress such as being made redundant, how did you sleep? Restless, I wager.

How to heal yourself in your sleep? Let me share what works for me.

  • Pre-bedtime slow down

Have a goal in mind for your bedtime (sleep time). This is a time that you want to be in bed, lights out, eyes shut and breathing easily.

Make your preparation for slowing down and winding down. Begin to relax.

Have a glass or bottle of water ready for bedtime, if required.

Keep other electronics blue lights out of the bedroom, as this disrupts the sleep cycle. Turn off electronic devices.

Brush your teeth and have your comfort break. I often find that washing my face often help. If you are a night-time shower person, this works, as water is soothing and calming.

Get into your PJ if you wear clothes to bed.

  • Build a bedtime ritual that works for you

I firmly believe that rituals are helpful. Have a bedtime routine and pattern that you stick to help you build a structure around your sleeping habit. I cannot stress the importance of sticking to your routines and think positively about enjoying the mundane.

For me, I have a bedtime alarm set daily at 22.00 hour. This gives me half an hour of downtime before I get in bed at 22.30.

  • Make time for relaxation or meditation before bedtime

I give myself around 10-15 minutes for relaxation. In that time, I may mediate or listen to soothing, relaxing music to ease myself to sleep. You might find my Evening Review meditation script helpful. Some people watch TV in bed, I think it is a personal choice for everyone. Some people read to relax. The trick here is not to be engrossed in the activity.

  • Self-Hypnosis and breathing

By 23.00, lights out for me, regardless of whether my husband or I am ready. I turned off the light.

I have trained myself to sleep as soon as my head is on the pillow. I can be fast asleep almost immediately in bed. But occasionally, might not be able to get to sleep. I noticed that I had ruminated over some event during the day or upcoming. In this instance, I recite my script and begin self-hypnosis or observe my breathing. I focused on my breathing, the rise and fall of each breath, and counted backwards from 100 to 1. I have never reached number one because I was always asleep way before this.

Then, you simply allow the body to do the rest. The more you relax when you are in bed, the more your body heal. God bless, sleep tight.

However, I am aware that some people have adverse experiences due to historical trauma and wounding. If this is your case, I would recommend seeking further help through counselling, as these bedbugs will continue to disrupt your sleep.

“Sleep is the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together..” – Thomas Dekker.

Do you find this blog helpful? If you like this post, I love to hear from you on my Twitter Page.

Loving oneself is Self-care

In Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Uncategorized, Wellness

As a therapist, self-care is an essential ritual for lone workers. We were advised that self-care practices are necessary for the body, mind and spirit. I have always make time for daily routines which helped me balance work, life, and personal joy.

Self-care aims to relax, unwind, and maintain a healthy state of being with oneself and one-spirit. It is a set of routines and practices that help to boost physical, psychological and emotional states. Think of self-care as healing practices for the body, mind and soul. The nurturing ritual helps prevent exertion, exhaustion and burnt-out. Self-care strategy will be different for everyone because it has a purpose attached to the practice. Some people find running as a self-care ritual more useful than others. Some people prefer a relaxing bubble bath with soothing music. And some prefer to be comfortable by the fire. Whatever the ritual, it is vital to adopt self-care practices that work for you.

There are many examples of self-care, including regular exercise, eating well, getting enough sleep, be in nature and taking frequent breaks or rest. But, it might help to think of self-care as a fun part of your daily ritual, rather than something you are compelled to do, like a chore. I emphasise fun and playful activities that you enjoy on a daily basis because sometimes we think of self-care only periodically.

Thus, I am sharing some of my essential daily self-care rituals here. I hope you find it helpful, and perhaps it might inspire to think of your own.

  • Make time for yourself.

One of the important thing for me is me-time. It is a time set aside to be alone with your thoughts, with your feeling and emotion, whatever they may be. It is a time that I am still, contemplative and peaceful. I often do this outside, standing in nature watching, listening to birds or the howling of the wind. Feeling the cool breeze on my face, I stood appreciatively. Making time to appreciate being with oneself in the stillness. It is about being alone with the whole of yourself. This is simply about making time to be.

  • Make time for meditation

Meditation is about an observation of the stillness within and of the mind. It is about being with that stillness and being inside our psyche. There is a misconception that busy-mind makes meditation difficult, and it is not just about the breath. But, this is precisely when one should consider meditation. Meditation is a tool to help the busy-ness of the mind and listen to our internal voices, and that is when you become aware of your breathing.

You can do meditation almost anywhere, but not while operating any machine or driving. You can do walking meditation, sitting down meditation and laying down meditation.

The mind never sleeps. The conscious mind is continually evaluating the input from our senses. The unconscious mind never shut off because it automates body regulatory, circuitry systems, such as keeping a steady sinus rhythm. Meditation is a state of being still in the body so that you can go within the psyche to observe thoughts, listen to what you are thinking about and notice comes up for you when cognitively being aware of what is in your mind. What you think you will manifest. Be sure to think only positive thoughts.

  • Have love in your heart

Self-care is about self-love and loving oneself and one’s shadows. Tell yourself that you love yourself is not narcissistic unless you adversely admire yourself adoringly. This is more of a confirmation for self to build inner confidence. It is also about one part of yourself telling another part that you love the unloveable. I think that if we can express self-love, we can then express that love to another. We have to hold love ourself before we can demonstrate love another. In so doing, we can know intimately how we feel loved, then we can share it.

A loving act for me includes feeling joyful, having fun and laughing at myself, lovingly. It is ultimately a knowing that you embrace with heart and soul. It is enough to say things like; I love my hair today, I love how I handle that argument today, I love the way I spoke my truth, even though not everyone agreed. It is quite alright to say; I love my voice, I love my flaws, etc. Whatever you dislike about yourself, try to reverberate your thoughts by expressing and vocalising your love, out loud.

  • Find a way to have fun or something that makes you smile.

This is my favourite, and every day is an exciting challenge (and I say this with a smile) to find or do. It is often fun that put a smile on my face and on those of another. It does not take much. A friend once said to me:

“A smile begins with you.”

I smiled when I walked around the house, and my cuddlies are moved from the bed. The plush toys would appear in the room when my back is turned. My husband moved them into the room I happened to be, of course. Then, I walked them back to another auspicious location where they will be found by him. We have this game throughout the day, and it is fun for both of us. I may be watching the dishes, and then my favourite plush toy appears on the table behind me. These are moments of joy.

“Smile and the whole world will smile with you.” – Stanley Gordon West.

Doing something fun for me is simply doing something that makes me and another smile, laugh and affectionate. Doing something nice for another to make them smile or laugh always bring a smile to my face. It will be different for everyone, and it is deeply personal and subjective. I also find rearranging my house fun. It is both practical and catharsis as I let go of the old. I find pottering fun as I get my hands dirty in the dirt, connecting to the Earth helps ground me to Gaia. I find filing fun as I mindfully organise paperwork. And I also find making soup fun.

What is your fun?

  • Find your grooming ritual

A healthy body equals a healthy mind. I love spending time painting my toenails, but not my fingernails so much. I find that self-care is also body-care. I like my hair brushed, despite leaving long strand all around the house. Sometimes, I think we take grooming for granted because we do it every day. But, if you contemplate your grooming acts, notice how much more enjoyable it is. For me, each brushstroke is a sensation that I feel energetically, as an individual strand of hair is being stroked.

It is essential to maintain a healthy body through a grooming ritual. I love getting my hair wash, cut and blow-dry.  But, the feel of water on my skin really what I love.

Water has healing nourishing and nurturing properties, which is why it is used in many religious rituals. Next time you are in the shower, feel the sensation of each water droplets on your skin.

Self-grooming is both holistic and therapeutic for the body, mind and spirit. When the body feels good, so does the mind. You know what makes you feel good when it comes to taking care of your body. It is merely to do more of that.

  • Organise your space

Personally, I feel that organising the physical space in the home, work and life gives me a sense of orderliness. But it is more than neatness, cleanliness and tidiness. It helps me manage the internal psyche if my physical space is clutter-free and systematic. It is a way to methodically organise my internal world if my outer world is orderly. I’d already mentioned that it is fun to rearrange my bookcases, clothes, kitchen cupboards etc. It is also therapeutic to organise the spaces around me, as I, mindfully, restructure my outer world. Moreover, in the organisation, I am also letting go of the tension, stress and worries that were attached to the material items. Yet, it is also about rearranging the space, files or library of repertoire, in the mind, as well as the physical space.

With the looming uncertainties within the outer world, there is a clear need for self-care rituals. Especially when we are currently in another lockdown and our days, weeks are becoming a blur. As each day blend into yet another day, the mundane can become repetitive, and we can lose track of the days. It is more crucial than ever to maintain a healthy mindset with self-care rituals that work for you. If you can tap into your creativity, why not make the mundane into something fun. Perhaps you like dancing, why not dance around while you work. Perhaps you like singing, sing while you work. You know where I am going with this.

So, what are you waiting for? Get creative and find your self-care rituals. I’d love to hear what works for you.

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Listen to your Heart-Mind

In Emotions, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-Development, Uncategorized, Wellness

Before I started my counselling and psychological training, I considered myself logical, practical and empirical. I thought that I was intellectually compassionate, articulately skilled and communicatively empathic. While that may be true, I later realised that I was ‘mind-identified’ and I am more than my mind.

I used to live in my head, and the majority of my decisions were made from cognitive rationale and intellectualisation. In so doing, I relied on the thinking mode to process, analyse, and make sense of things. I believe that we were conditioned and measured by our intellects, especially in educational establishments such as school, college and universities etc. It is the most tangible method of measurement in modern societies, it seems. But, it goes deeper than that. We were also taught in the family system, perhaps unconsciously. Remember the time when your parents make a comparison of your achievement against your siblings?

However, that may be, I think that the cognitive mind is just one part of the physical body. I believe that our physical body is the vehicle of the spiritual body. Both parts reside unanimously and cooperative as one harmonious dualistic being. Their composites are like the Taijitu duo, the yin and yang.

  As a psycho-spiritual therapist, I believe that the physical body has two ‘minds’; the cognitive-mind and the heart-mind. Therein, the brain is the cognitive-mind, and the heart is the heart-mind. It might help if you think of the brain as the all-knowing ‘supercomputer’. Memories, experiences, and programmings are stored. Thus, the heart is the ‘operator’, the user, the decision-maker. Imagine making your decisions from the heart. Henceforth, I want to discuss the concept of heart-mind further because I believe that this is the primary and the brain is secondary.

Researchers had proved that during the mitosis in the cell division process, after conception, the heart is the first organ to form in utero. As the primary organ, the heart developed a complex circuitry system using bloodstream to obtain nutrients and eliminate wastes to be transported to and from the embryo and the mother for growth. As the embryo develops further, other organs and system formed to complete the human evolutionary process, and the foetus is formed. It is not until after four weeks after conception that the neural tube is connecting the spinal cord to the brain to complete the foetus’ circuitry system. After which, the heart begins to beat. Therefore, the heart is more than a mere ‘pump’. It is from the heart that your emotions are associated.

Although the concept of the heart-mind is not something new to metaphysics, it is less well known generally. When I began my training as the Body Code practitioner, I appreciated energy works and energy from the heart.

 The heart has an energy centre known as the Heart Chakra or Anahata, is located near the heart area. The heart emits energy from the body. The electromagnetic field produced by the heart is more than 60 times greater than the brain. The auric field exerts about 12 feet outwards. The heart is symbolic to love, compassion, kindness, warmth and much more.

If we can relate to people from the heart, image what that would be like. If you can find a way to relate to others with the heart, how would you feel?

Personally, for me, this means deep empathy and loving feelings. I am talking about unconditional love, pure love, without any peremptory request or demand. You might want to understand your love language before you carry on reading.

When your heart-mind emits love and compassion, in accordance with the natural order of the universal law, specifically, the law of attraction, love will return to you, as it is received by another. You will notice signs of love in another person’s eye, and you will feel the emotions.

How do you listen to your heart-mind?

  • Ask yourself, how do you make decisions?

If you use your mind to think about making a decision, it is safe to say that you are not as connected to your heart-mind. If you take time to ponder a decision or find it difficult to make up your mind, you are probably mind-identified. Decision-making from the heart-mind often comes from a ‘feeling’ or an intuition. The heart is our source of love, creativity and inspiration. Sometimes, decisions from the heart are illogical, baseless, spontaneous and impulsive.

Before completing my MA, I attended a workshop from sheer curiosity. By the end of the day, my mind was made up to participate in the training programme. I’d made my decision based on a feeling. I did not consider how I was going to finance the studies or whether I could afford it. My application went in, and when it got accepted, the realisation of cost, time and commitment came into play.

  • Ask yourself, how do you feel about x?

 Place your hand on your heart and literally listens to the harmonious, rhythmic heart beating. It should beat in a gentle rhythm, the soft sounds of the tempo should be melodic and not like an offbeat syncopation. Listen to your gentle, beating heart and notice your senses. Do you feel any tingling, flood of warmth or goosebumps? These are the sensation of energy moving through your body, surging and filling you with good feelings. A loving feeling has the highest frequency, as mentioned in last month’s blog.

If you have children, you should feel a mother’s love for a child. It is the truest, selfless love. It is often boundless, and there is nothing you would not do for that child. It is non-obsessional, non-sexual, healthy and unconditional. In an ideal world, this is the loving feeling that should experience growing up.

More often than not, our experiences are less than ideal. But, this does not mean that we can’t learn to connect to that unconditional love within. We can learn to love our inner child. However, If you find it challenging to feel unconditional love, perhaps you have a ‘heart wall’. A heart wall is a blockage to the heart. It is a (metaphorical) wall that we put up to defend ourself from heartaches. If you suspect that you have a blockage to the heart and love, you might benefit from emotional code sessions.

  • Learn to speak from the heart

 Speaking from the heart will inevitably help. It may seem awkward and strange at first, but you will become more comfortable with practice. Speaking from the heart is not about talking ‘mushy’, over-sentimental or pretentious, but preferably with genuineness and sincerely. Speaking with feeling is speaking from the heart. It is about speaking your truth.

You might find it helpful to name the emotion and how you may feel when you convey it. For example, think of the word ‘nervousness’. As you think about this emotion, consider how it might also be to feel it in the body in response to feeling nervous. You might be nervous when speaking up in a room full of people or in a large group. As think about the things that you make you ‘nervous’, also, say ‘I am nervous about…because…’. In our example, you might say, ‘I am nervous about speaking up in a large group full of people’.

Say this a few times until you can really feel the emotion and feeling nervous. In your inner body, you might hear your voice becoming shaky, trembling a little bit. In your outer body, you might start to feel the bead of sweat running down your back and becoming flush or hot.

Have fun with the experience and try using other emotion and feel different intensity which different feeling convey. When you can elicit a sentiment of your words, you’d have mastered ‘speaking’ from the heart. Well done!

  • Use the I/Thou language

 When you speak to others, notice your language, the word you use and in what context. If you can relate to others from an adult to adult, not from an adult to a child or a parent, you are halfway to using the I/thou language. This concept simply means speaking to someone compassionately while taking responsibility for your feeling, words, and language. Here is an example of an I/though language:

I – When you shout, I find it difficult to understand you fully, and it hurts my feelings.

Thou – Although, you are shouting at me, and blaming me. I strongly object, and I do not take it personally. But I also feel angry and hurt at the way I am treated by you.

I know it is challenging in a situation when you are at the receiving end of a barrage of emotional attack. Suppose you can address the problem objectively, without taking it personally. In that case, it is the best way to get your point across.

  • Watch your conscious and unconscious thoughts

 This is probably the most important tip. Believe it or not, but your thoughts are being heard by others. Even if you never speak it, what you think about consciously is being received ‘telepathically’ by the other person. We unconsciously broadcast the ‘unspoken’ conscious thoughts into our energetic field.

Have you ever wonder why a bully picks on someone? It is because they are attuned to receiving the negative self-abuse from others. Suppose you consciously think about being hurt by others, feeling insecure and unsafe with another. In that case, you are sending out negative broadcasts. This could also be conveyed in your body language and body posture.

Negative broadcasts are something that I am aware of. Still, I was unaware that even though I thought of myself as altruistic, I was broadcasting, ‘I am unimportant’, and ‘I am not safe’. These vibrational frequencies were stuck within the body, which I had to eliminate through energy clearing.

Now that you have an awareness that our conscious and unconscious thoughts impede speaking from the heart – watch what you think. As the messages are broadcast, like a radio tower. Your heart cannot communicate soulfully.

I hope that this blog has been helpful, and if you would like more details about energy work or energy healing, please contact me for more information.

If you would like a personal experience of an energy healing session, please visit Energy Works for more details.

“Thinking about love is not the same as having loving feeling. Thinking about love is an idealisation. But, feeling love is unconditionally so powerful that no word is necessary.” – Patch Welling.

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Raise your emotional frequency for wellness

In Emotions, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-Development, Uncategorized, Wellness

In my blog last month, I discussed making emotions and feelings our friends rather than the enemy. I want to add to that further by looking at the emotional frequency and their importance.

In the 11th century, a Benedictine monk called Guido d’Arezzo pioneered frequency scales from specific tones of musical sound which became known as the Solfeggio frequencies. The frequencies have been used throughout history, both in Western Christianity and Eastern religions by Buddhist monks and Indian Sanskrit in prayer and chants.

Research has proved that the OM Mantra, for example, was made up of frequencies that induce gamma waves which support mental wellness. In this peaceful waking state, we are receptive to cognitive processing, problem-solving and heightened perception.

Growing up with traditional Buddhist practices, I often thought that attending the temple for prayer was tedious. However, as I sat through the Thai Buddhist monks chanting, I instantly felt mentally relaxed, peaceful and calmed. The melodic sounds of the chant were mesmerising.

The sound frequency has a powerful effect on our emotional body. Thus, the emotional frequency will inevitably have an influence on the body-mind.

The body, feelings and mind are connected to the soul (or spirit) as wholeness.

I found that when feeling overwhelmed, I am unable to think logically or clearly. My body will react in response to the mental shut down. Physiologically, my heart would beat furiously, quickening the breath. My muscles tighten, and the body becomes hot and flush. Emotionally, I feel panicky, stressed, anxious and possibly fearful and embarrassed by the reaction of the body. This was when I realised that the emotions have gotten ‘hold’ on me. In this state, it feels like I a drowning. The body-feelings-mind interact in a wholistic system governed by the laws of cause and effect.

I’m here to share that, in whatever state, mood, or disposition that you find yourself in, you do have a choice. Amongst feeling overwhelmed, there will be a quiet, soothing ‘inner voice’ that asks whether you want any help. Some may say that this inner voice is your intuition. I know this part of myself as my ‘soul’ or ‘spirit’.

Recently, while working with a highly emotional client, I learnt to accept that some people DO not want help, even though a part of them got them to my therapy room. The client is simply not ready, willing or able to give up on their subconscious gain. This is fine by me, as I realised that I am not a rescuer. As a therapist, I am a facilitator. I facilitate healing, wellness and holistic processes.

With that in mind, I learnt to let go and just trust. Trust that I will simply know.

What is emotional frequency?

An emotion is a ball of energy, varying in size and shapes. Energy moves around the body as vibrational frequency. It forms and transforms, it changes, interchange and impermanent. It flows around your body around your morphic field, also known as the aura. Depending on the situation, circumstance or experience that you are facing, the emotional energy may circulate around an organ or meridians. If the emotions are suppressed, repressed or disrupted from expressing, it will become lodged within a specific area in the body.

Emotional frequency or emotional resonance is the vibrational frequency that emotion generates, which I came to know as energy frequency. Each emotion has an energy which generates and measurable as a frequency in Hz (hertz), used in connection to energetic currents, electromagnetic waves (light, radar etc.) and sound.

Love, for example, has a high frequency around 500Hz, whereas, fear has a low frequency at 100Hz. When you feel love for yourself or others, you cannot and will not feel the fear. Thus, it is worth choosing a positive feeling or emotion, which is better for health and wellness.

How to raise your emotional frequency?

I recently became qualified as an Emotion Code Practitioner and found that emotions can be released quickly and effortlessly.

Here are ways to raise your emotional frequency.

  1. Be open-minded

Being open-minded is a willingness to consider new ideas or concepts without prejudices. An open-minded person will have the ability to considered other perspective, can be empathetic, to others, even if you disagree. In this state, you are flexible in your approach to learning and accepting new options, opportunities, suggestions, and inspirations. With an open mind, you will see things start to manifest, as you become receptive, you will attract like for like.

  1. Stay hydrated

Have you noticed when you are very upset, your mouth dries up? To raise your emotional vibration, you need to remain hydrated so that your body as flush out toxicity.

  1. Feel the love

Love has high frequencies which are beneficial to instantly lift your moods and emotional frequencies. When you feel love and appreciation, negative or low frequencies cannot exist at the same moment. If you find it difficult to ‘feel love’ trying doing something that you truly love. A loving feeling is a feeling of immense happiness, joy, connection, fulfilment, fondness, warmth, and tenderness. It is a blissful feeling towards someone or something. A true loving feeling is unconditional and unbounded. For me personally, I love water, nature and the sounds of a Wren singing in the distant, as I bathed in the warm sunny sky. You get the picture.

“Love is all there is. Let love be the driving force in your life.” – Unknown.

  1. Feel the gratitude

Gratitude has high frequencies also, which can instantly transcend your emotions. It can instantly lift your low moods to a good mood. But, you have to really believe and be grateful. There has to be an element of humbleness within this process in order to feel thankful for something. For example, showing appreciation for your good health, being appreciative of your partner, be thankful to your family and friends by simply saying it out loud. I feel grateful for my good health. I feel grateful to my partner for his love and support. I feel grateful for my family. If you find it hard to say that you are grateful to the person, say it in your mind – they will receive the feeling all the same. Make a list of the things that make you grateful.

  1. Find your Mantra and Affirmation

You can build a mantra, an affirmation or prayer into your daily life that includes feeling love for yourself and others. A mantra can be something that you repeat during meditations, walking, exercising or when doing a mundane task. An affirmation is a statement that you keep repeating until it becomes second nature. A prayer can be anything that you say with closed eyes to God, The Higher Power, Holy Spirit or the Universe.

Example of a mantra might be: Letting go is easy, Emotions are friends, Emotions are energy, and like all energy – it too will pass.

Example of an affirmation might be: I express my emotions healthily and freely, I am free to express how I feel, I am responsible for the way I feel.

Example of prayer might be: Dear God/The Higher Power/Holy Spirit/Universe, please give me the strength to be with my emotions, to process my emotions healthily, to heal.

  1. Have fun, smile and laugh

Laughing is potent and instantly uplifting. It has many health benefits, physically and emotionally. Most essentially, it is contagious, so be warned.

Some of the things that make me smile include looking at pictures of my loving children, looking at a picture of myself as a toddler and listening to soothing music. Having fun for me simply mean doing fun stuff such as making a dress, getting my hands dirty working with clay pottery or playing charades. The thing that made me laugh is a slap-stick comedy, but not something like ‘Jackass’ or ‘YBF’ where someone or something is being hurt or falling. Find your laughter. Find your smile and find what is fun for you.

I have not included the usual practical approaches such as meditation, exercises, eating healthily to the list above on purpose because they are all common practices that everyone should regularly adhere to for positive mental health and wellness.

If you would like a personal experience of an energy healing session, please visit Energy Works for more details.

“Love is the only force capable of transforming enermy into friend.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

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Emotions are friend, not foe

In Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Emotions, Inspiration, Self Help, Self-Development, Wellness

According to the American Psychological Association, emotion referred to an intricate state of experiential, behavioural, psychological and physiological patterns responding to thoughts and stimulus. Emotions are subjective and profoundly influential to an individual. Depending on our biological makeup, emotions are biologically associated with the central nervous systems brought on by neurophysiological triggers from our cognition, learning style and conditioning orientation.

Unlike ‘feeling’, emotion can affect our moods and our body. This does not mean that having feeling for something or about something is any less significant. It is just that feeling refers to a self-perception of a specific emotion. Thus, you can have a feeling about emotion, and you can also have feelings about the way you feel; therefore, it originates in the mental construct. Whereas, emotions, on the other hand, is experiential, behavioural, psychological and physiological in nature. However, for the purpose of this blog, I will use emotion and feeling interchangeable.

The emotional intensity of an experience or event depends on your intrapsychic tendencies. You may have a proclivity of melancholy or cheerfulness. If your childhood environment were happy and nurturing, you will be more likely to have a cheerful disposition. But, if your childhood environment were hostile, less than ideal and traumatic, you will be more likely to be melancholy. However, this does not mean that you cannot change, break free from the cycle or that you should accept the past as something that will also happen in the future. Whatever the future will depend on your present. You can choose how to be, how to feel, and you can choose your emotions.

With volition, you can decide healthier, helpful and happier emotions. However, this does not mean that you simply dismiss, disregard or repressed the difficult emotions though. It is simply about being aware of emotions; recognise it, name it, feel it and express it. If you feel like crying, don’t let anyone tell you not to cry. If you feel anger, don’t let anyone tell you not to be angry. Feel the fear and move on. Keep calm and carry on. And make friend with your emotion, not foe.

How do you go about choosing healthier, helpful and happier emotions, you say?

  • Recognising that you will have an emotion

To recognise an emotion, you simply need to acknowledge it. Realise its validity, its existence and legitimacy to manifest. When you notice that you will have an emotion about a situation or that you are about to have an emotional experience, see what is going on around you, observe the situation, listen to what is happening within and outside of the body.

  • Name your emotion

 It often helps to name our emotions. This is because emotion has an energetic frequency. Love, for example, has the highest frequency at 528 Hz, whereas the frequency for fear is around 100 Hz.

It is worth naming your emotions to bring awareness to the frequency thoughtforms. Naming the emotion gives legitimacy to the experiences that you are going through, especially if the intensity of the emotion is high. Being conscious of your emotions also means that you can then choose how you want to feel. Then you can check whether your physiological, biological, psychological and behaviour are in equal measure to the trigger or whether it is too excessive or too extreme for the situation. Thus, you will realise your response in connection to the feeling felt.

  • Expressing your emotion

Since our emotions are our cue to what is going within ourselves. It makes sense to process them accordingly. A way to process emotion is to allow it to be expressed. That means you will need to allow yourself to feel the emotion. If you have not heard of the phase – check out these books, Feel the fear and do it anyway, Smile at Fear. It is once you realised your emotion that you can then express them healthily. Suppressing our emotions and feelings would be liking holding a buoy underwater. It will eventually surface, maybe tomorrow, the day after or the next time you are faced with a similar situation that triggers the same emotion. The problem then is that the emotional intensity has grown, doubled in size, which may lead to exaggerated behaviour or reaction. In simple term, let your emotion be, honour yourself and be brave by being with your emotions. They are simply a part of you that needs releasing, loving and let it be. If you can clear to love your emotion, you are on your way to loving yourself.

“I dont want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, enjoy them, feel them and do not let them dominate me.” – Oscar Wilde.

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Recognising and Developing Compassion

In Compassion, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self-Development

To have compassion for others, one must realise Self-compassion first. Compassion is the ability to recognise suffering in oneself and others, and then taking action to alleviate the suffering through kindness, understanding, and love.

In today’s society, with many diverse inequalities, it may seem difficult to have compassion or empathy, but it is probably needed the most. It is the most undoubtedly positive quality than bitterness, anger and resentment.

Qualities of compassion promote positive emotional response and mindset; however, it should not be compared to empathy. Compassion is a deep feeling for oneself and another person, whereas empathy is the ability to be alongside the other person, or in their shoes. The emotional response when perceiving suffering in oneself or another triggers an authentic desire and wishes to take action, to assist, to alleviate and to help – but not to eliminate or deny.

Even if you do not think that you have compassion, the good news is that being compassionate is a skill, just like many which can be developed and learned.

But how does one recognises or develops compassion for oneself?

  1. Be kind to yourself and others

I consider being kind to oneself as the most essential part of having compassion. It is a daily practice that takes lots of discipline, especially if you have a proclivity to beat yourself up. It is a process that takes patience to develop warmth and understanding of our sufferings, failures and inadequacies. It can be challenging to be mindful of the automatic negative thoughts that had previously been inclined to look at imperfections and flaws. But, it is with kindness, gentleness and acceptance that our emotional response will change toward ourselves first, and then our compassion for others will shortly follow.

  1. Practice acting and behaving compassionately

Practice mindfulness and notice when you not being kind to yourself. Mindfulness is a conscious awareness of one own’s state by observing one’s thinking and thoughts. It is a willingness to be truthful to oneself and one’s perception. And when you noticed that you belittle yourself or experienced feeling frustrated with yourself; you simply notice it. Have an awareness of what was said, and the feeling felt. Then, gently recognise that making a mistake is inevitable and acceptable. Recognise that perfection is an illusion. Recognise that you will forget to observe your automatic thoughts at times. Recognise that through practice being aware of your thoughts, you will shortly notice them quicker. It is through awareness acceptance that your emotional response will become positive.

  1. Avoid judgement and criticism of Self and other

Notice your use of language and those automatic thoughts that cause negative emotions or painful feelings such as anger, doubt, guilt, hurt, or shame. Words, thoughts or labels that might be used in the internal dialogue such as ‘I am so bad…clumsy, stupid, etc.’ are just some example to watch out. Stop using those negative criticism and judgement against oneself, and others are ways to develop compassion, through awareness and recognition.

  1. Be honest and altruistic

Honesty is the best policy. Be honest with yourself when you failed to recognise self-criticism or negative labelling. If you deny your mistake, you are ultimate being dishonest with yourself. Being honest about your failings, errors, and imperfection is part of learning and development. Being truthful about how you feel about failures help you confront the mindset associated with the experience. For example; if you failed a test/exam and you get angry with yourself for the failure, there would have been an associated thought accompanying this mindset, such as ‘Failing means I am useless’, which should be addressed. Recognising those thoughts and feelings is an honest way to deal with them. Being truthful in your reflection and observation are signs of honesty for your failure, which is the quality toward self-compassion.

  1. Do not set yourself a timeline

Being compassionate is an on-going process that promotes positive health and mental wellness; thus cannot have a time limit. Having compassion for oneself and others should be an on-going process of personal development. It is a quality that helps you in relationships, and it is a positive experience that changes your thinking pattern and developing altruism. If you set yourself a timeline, you are essentially putting a limitation on your growth and development, plus a whole load of unnecessary pressure and anxieties.

All learning starts with YOU, and then you influence others through your engagement and social interaction. Thus, compassion begins with Self-love, and then you can pass it forward. Once you recognised and developed self-compassion, you will soon find that you naturally develop compassion for others and the world.

“Compassion begins with Self-love and then it expands to encompass the people around you.” – Patch Welling.

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Behind the Covid-19 mask lies another dilemma

In Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-Development, Uncategorized, Wellness

Don’t let wearing the COVID mask becomes your norm

“Virtue has a veil, vice is a mask.” – Victor Hugo

At the beginning of the year, some people began wearing masks as a prevention to the COVID-19 epidemic. However, as we start to realise very quickly how our lives have changed and will continue to change. What we used to know as ‘normal’ is no longer. Out with the old and in with the new, I’d say.

The experiences, feelings and emotions felt during those months of isolation can be overwhelming. The loneliness and isolation can be difficult for many people. The longing and yearning kick in, as a human being is essentially a social animal.

After months of lockdown, how can we begin to start venturing out? Some people are excited by finally being allowed to socialise again. Some people are still cautious and only go out to meet family and friends. Some people go out without care. However, many people manage to leave mindfully with respect and considerations for others by wearing masks.

“Nothing is more real than the masks we put on to show each other who we are.” – Christopher Barzak

I want to discuss the concept of masking in Psychology further.

Masking is a process which an individual uses as a way to deflect, hide or conceal their natural personality, traits and attitude to conform to the socially acceptable behaviours, depending on culture and societies in which we live. On many occasions, we are often unaware that we are even wearing a mask because of the way we were taught and learned. When we’d been conditioned to behave, think, or act in a particular manner, we can become so accustomed to masking that we might have difficulties finding our true Self. Just another actor acting out a part!

I could go into the psychological benefits behind why people preferred to wear a mask, but I don’t believe that it would be helpful to further strengthen the person’s psyche. What I prefer to do is to look at the positives and address the usefulness of removing our masks.

“When you wear a mask for so long, you forget who you are beneath it.” – Alan Moore

Some of those benefits include becoming authentic in your way of being, becoming open to directly ‘see’ the person with your heartfelt ‘sight’. When we are not wearing our masks, we are opened to our vulnerability, which is a positive quality, rather than defensively thinking that it is negative. It is when you are not coveted that you can expand your senses with a wider peripheral sensory acuity. Thus, when the masks are removed, you can see the world with Shoshin’s eyes. I’d come to these conclusions from years of training, experiences and dealing with personal challenges.

Fear not, I can offer some helpful tips to those individuals who’d like to remove their (psychological) masks – but keep the COVID-19 cover on (for now). Here’s how:

      • Be responsible for your action, reaction and behaviours

Taking ownership of anything that you do or say is one of the most empowering ways of removing the mask of your false Self. It is a simple act of Self-expression, and it is altruistic in your demonstration of transparency and honesty in the interaction with another.

      • Acknowledge your flaws and learn to love them

If you think that your bum looks big, or your belly is bloated, either do something healthily about it or learn and find a way to like your body. If you dislike your imperfections and flaws, you probably need to internally reflect on your belief systems. Acknowledging your flaws and learning to love them is a form of acceptance and love for the Self. Ask yourself, is it possible to be perfect all the time? Is it possible to expect that you need to do something perfectly each time? What a waste of your energy because it is practically impossible. Everyone, everywhere have flaws.

      • Find your Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance can take time to develop. It is with patient, understanding and love that you can find a way to accept yourself and things you dislike within or without. Find a way to assent to yourself, your body, your self-image, your abilities and skills, including your limitations. To have acceptance is to accept the positive and the negative about yourself as the way you are without having to change, do or act differently in situations. Acceptance is the acquiescence of Self – the Latin acquiēscere (to find rest in).

      • Discover Self-love

This is my most favourite, discovering Self-love. It is the most rewarding, with warmth and positive energies. It is also one that most people often find it difficult to express or acknowledge. Before starting my counselling/psychotherapy training, it was undoubtedly amiss. But, it is never ever too late to discover Self-love, whatever life position you are at. Love starts with you when you find your self-love, you will emit love for others and the world unless of course, you have a heart-wall (an energetic blockage to the heart). Self-love comes with many omnipotent experiences such as joy, happiness, playfulness, spontaneity and many more. Self-love also acknowledges all of the above.

      • Smile at yourself, and at your faults

Even if you don’t feel like smiling at yourself, it is worth doing it. See for yourself! Smile into a mirror and see inside yourself. What do you feel? If you feel positive, even though you have scars, stretch marks, birthmarks etc. then you are on the way to removing those pesky masks.

There are many other ways to take your masks off. Perhaps you have found another helpful way that works for you. I’d love to hear about some of the things that work for you.

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