Tag: selfdevelopment

Recognising and Developing Compassion

In Compassion, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self-Development

To have compassion for others, one must realise Self-compassion first. Compassion is the ability to recognise suffering in oneself and others, and then taking action to alleviate the suffering through kindness, understanding, and love.

In today’s society, with many diverse inequalities, it may seem difficult to have compassion or empathy, but it is probably needed the most. It is the most undoubtedly positive quality than bitterness, anger and resentment.

Qualities of compassion promote positive emotional response and mindset; however, it should not be compared to empathy. Compassion is a deep feeling for oneself and another person, whereas empathy is the ability to be alongside the other person, or in their shoes. The emotional response when perceiving suffering in oneself or another triggers an authentic desire and wishes to take action, to assist, to alleviate and to help – but not to eliminate or deny.

Even if you do not think that you have compassion, the good news is that being compassionate is a skill, just like many which can be developed and learned.

But how does one recognises or develops compassion for oneself?

  1. Be kind to yourself and others

I consider being kind to oneself as the most essential part of having compassion. It is a daily practice that takes lots of discipline, especially if you have a proclivity to beat yourself up. It is a process that takes patience to develop warmth and understanding of our sufferings, failures and inadequacies. It can be challenging to be mindful of the automatic negative thoughts that had previously been inclined to look at imperfections and flaws. But, it is with kindness, gentleness and acceptance that our emotional response will change toward ourselves first, and then our compassion for others will shortly follow.

  1. Practice acting and behaving compassionately

Practice mindfulness and notice when you not being kind to yourself. Mindfulness is a conscious awareness of one own’s state by observing one’s thinking and thoughts. It is a willingness to be truthful to oneself and one’s perception. And when you noticed that you belittle yourself or experienced feeling frustrated with yourself; you simply notice it. Have an awareness of what was said, and the feeling felt. Then, gently recognise that making a mistake is inevitable and acceptable. Recognise that perfection is an illusion. Recognise that you will forget to observe your automatic thoughts at times. Recognise that through practice being aware of your thoughts, you will shortly notice them quicker. It is through awareness acceptance that your emotional response will become positive.

  1. Avoid judgement and criticism of Self and other

Notice your use of language and those automatic thoughts that cause negative emotions or painful feelings such as anger, doubt, guilt, hurt, or shame. Words, thoughts or labels that might be used in the internal dialogue such as ‘I am so bad…clumsy, stupid, etc.’ are just some example to watch out. Stop using those negative criticism and judgement against oneself, and others are ways to develop compassion, through awareness and recognition.

  1. Be honest and altruistic

Honesty is the best policy. Be honest with yourself when you failed to recognise self-criticism or negative labelling. If you deny your mistake, you are ultimate being dishonest with yourself. Being honest about your failings, errors, and imperfection is part of learning and development. Being truthful about how you feel about failures help you confront the mindset associated with the experience. For example; if you failed a test/exam and you get angry with yourself for the failure, there would have been an associated thought accompanying this mindset, such as ‘Failing means I am useless’, which should be addressed. Recognising those thoughts and feelings is an honest way to deal with them. Being truthful in your reflection and observation are signs of honesty for your failure, which is the quality toward self-compassion.

  1. Do not set yourself a timeline

Being compassionate is an on-going process that promotes positive health and mental wellness; thus cannot have a time limit. Having compassion for oneself and others should be an on-going process of personal development. It is a quality that helps you in relationships, and it is a positive experience that changes your thinking pattern and developing altruism. If you set yourself a timeline, you are essentially putting a limitation on your growth and development, plus a whole load of unnecessary pressure and anxieties.

All learning starts with YOU, and then you influence others through your engagement and social interaction. Thus, compassion begins with Self-love, and then you can pass it forward. Once you recognised and developed self-compassion, you will soon find that you naturally develop compassion for others and the world.

“Compassion begins with Self-love and then it expands to encompass the people around you.” – Patch Welling.

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Behind the Covid-19 mask lies another dilemma

In Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-Development, Uncategorized, Wellness

Don’t let wearing the COVID mask becomes your norm

“Virtue has a veil, vice is a mask.” – Victor Hugo

At the beginning of the year, some people began wearing masks as a prevention to the COVID-19 epidemic. However, as we start to realise very quickly how our lives have changed and will continue to change. What we used to know as ‘normal’ is no longer. Out with the old and in with the new, I’d say.

The experiences, feelings and emotions felt during those months of isolation can be overwhelming. The loneliness and isolation can be difficult for many people. The longing and yearning kick in, as a human being is essentially a social animal.

After months of lockdown, how can we begin to start venturing out? Some people are excited by finally being allowed to socialise again. Some people are still cautious and only go out to meet family and friends. Some people go out without care. However, many people manage to leave mindfully with respect and considerations for others by wearing masks.

“Nothing is more real than the masks we put on to show each other who we are.” – Christopher Barzak

I want to discuss the concept of masking in Psychology further.

Masking is a process which an individual uses as a way to deflect, hide or conceal their natural personality, traits and attitude to conform to the socially acceptable behaviours, depending on culture and societies in which we live. On many occasions, we are often unaware that we are even wearing a mask because of the way we were taught and learned. When we’d been conditioned to behave, think, or act in a particular manner, we can become so accustomed to masking that we might have difficulties finding our true Self. Just another actor acting out a part!

I could go into the psychological benefits behind why people preferred to wear a mask, but I don’t believe that it would be helpful to further strengthen the person’s psyche. What I prefer to do is to look at the positives and address the usefulness of removing our masks.

“When you wear a mask for so long, you forget who you are beneath it.” – Alan Moore

Some of those benefits include becoming authentic in your way of being, becoming open to directly ‘see’ the person with your heartfelt ‘sight’. When we are not wearing our masks, we are opened to our vulnerability, which is a positive quality, rather than defensively thinking that it is negative. It is when you are not coveted that you can expand your senses with a wider peripheral sensory acuity. Thus, when the masks are removed, you can see the world with Shoshin’s eyes. I’d come to these conclusions from years of training, experiences and dealing with personal challenges.

Fear not, I can offer some helpful tips to those individuals who’d like to remove their (psychological) masks – but keep the COVID-19 cover on (for now). Here’s how:

      • Be responsible for your action, reaction and behaviours

Taking ownership of anything that you do or say is one of the most empowering ways of removing the mask of your false Self. It is a simple act of Self-expression, and it is altruistic in your demonstration of transparency and honesty in the interaction with another.

      • Acknowledge your flaws and learn to love them

If you think that your bum looks big, or your belly is bloated, either do something healthily about it or learn and find a way to like your body. If you dislike your imperfections and flaws, you probably need to internally reflect on your belief systems. Acknowledging your flaws and learning to love them is a form of acceptance and love for the Self. Ask yourself, is it possible to be perfect all the time? Is it possible to expect that you need to do something perfectly each time? What a waste of your energy because it is practically impossible. Everyone, everywhere have flaws.

      • Find your Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance can take time to develop. It is with patient, understanding and love that you can find a way to accept yourself and things you dislike within or without. Find a way to assent to yourself, your body, your self-image, your abilities and skills, including your limitations. To have acceptance is to accept the positive and the negative about yourself as the way you are without having to change, do or act differently in situations. Acceptance is the acquiescence of Self – the Latin acquiēscere (to find rest in).

      • Discover Self-love

This is my most favourite, discovering Self-love. It is the most rewarding, with warmth and positive energies. It is also one that most people often find it difficult to express or acknowledge. Before starting my counselling/psychotherapy training, it was undoubtedly amiss. But, it is never ever too late to discover Self-love, whatever life position you are at. Love starts with you when you find your self-love, you will emit love for others and the world unless of course, you have a heart-wall (an energetic blockage to the heart). Self-love comes with many omnipotent experiences such as joy, happiness, playfulness, spontaneity and many more. Self-love also acknowledges all of the above.

      • Smile at yourself, and at your faults

Even if you don’t feel like smiling at yourself, it is worth doing it. See for yourself! Smile into a mirror and see inside yourself. What do you feel? If you feel positive, even though you have scars, stretch marks, birthmarks etc. then you are on the way to removing those pesky masks.

There are many other ways to take your masks off. Perhaps you have found another helpful way that works for you. I’d love to hear about some of the things that work for you.

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Stay Connected for Mental Wellness

In Connection, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Mental Wellbeing, Self-Development, Wellness

Establishing a connection is essential for many reasons. Whether that connection is with yourself, others, or nature?

According to psychologists, making a connection is extremely important for our overall sense of self, our emotional and physical health. Dozen of clinical researches have shown that people are generally ‘happier’ when connected in any form of relationships.

Therefore, connecting to others, ourselves and the world give us a sense of importance and belonging. Plus, it also helps to improve our mental wellbeing and building self-esteem in communication.

As human beings are a social animal, we thrive in social connection, whether in family, groups, community or society. A strong sense of connectivity with others is vital to our mental stability and survival tendency.

Having a connection in a relationship helps us build resilience, shared interests between two or more people, shared love, support, and encouragement.

Physiologically, people with strong ties or connections in a relationship have fewer health problems, less stressed, less depressed and improved mental wellness. Adverse to the effect, people who lack connection with themselves, others or their community have increased stress and depression, accelerated cardiovascular risks, loneliness, isolation and a higher chance of suicidal tendency.

Here are some simple ways to keep a healthy connection with the people around you to improve your mental wellness and reduce isolation and loneliness.

  • Regularly reaching out and maintain a regular contact

Swallow those pride and reaching out. Reaching out means making the first move. In so doing, you make a conscious and considerable effort to contact the person. You do so regularly while maintaining a healthy boundary within the relationship. It also means having a sense of how often you should reach out, unobtrusively. If it seems like you are the one doing all the reaching out at the majority of times, try to stay positive. You are reaching out to promote your sense of wellness by showing someone that you care. It is not a chore.

  • Plan a get-together

Make plans for a get-together or planning ahead is a great way to have something to look forward to. Planning ahead for an event gives us joyful feelings as our mind is excited by the future-focused possibility. The anticipation of the upcoming event encourages hope and optimism. These positive thoughts promote healthy mindset and reduce stress and anxieties.

  • Say that you care by showing gratitude

We love to hear positive feedback and words of affirmation. Say that you care, say that love someone makes a massive difference to the person receiving the kind words. Showing gratitude for the relationship by expressing kind words of affirmation. Say thank you is music to the ears. Be the first to say sorry for a small measure of differences or disagreements, without compromising your sense of self. Say you like about the person. Say what think is great about being in the relationship with them. Say that you appreciate their time, and talking to you is soothing to the soul.

  • Have a respectable boundary – give them space

Having a reasonable boundary for yourself and others is extremely important within any social interaction. Establish what you think is an appropriate boundary for you, and then check with the other person, what is a safe and comfortable boundary for them. A boundary is a two-way thing. It is not something that you can guess. It is safer to ask. It shows that you consider their needs. Then, act on it and put in practise by giving the person the space that they need.

  • Use a medium that is most comfortable for both of you

We may take for granted what is the best medium for us, but, it may not be the best medium of contact for the other person. Check what is their preference, whether this is via phone, Skype, Zoom, Email, SMS, Facetime, WhatsApp, Snapchat etc. Agree with each other when you first make contact, how the person wants to be connected.

  • Take advantage of social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Tumblr etc.)

Sometimes, social media is the best method to stay connected with someone distant. Take advantage of the social media application that you both preferred and keep the channel of communication open this way is another great way to stay in touch with multiple people, family, friends and the community. The interactions with social media is a great way to make special announcements or reaching out to a group of people for a response.

However, you decide to stay connected with the essential people around you, think about the good that you are doing in staying in touch. It shows that you care. And when we do something nice for others, even the smallest of thing such as staying connected to the person makes a huge difference to both your mental wellness and physical health.

Think of the joy in giving and enjoy.