Category: Mental Wellbeing Page 1 of 2

How to break free from the drama triangle

In Coping Strategies, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self-Development

I was moved by the Channel 4 documentary on Hunting the Football Trolls featuring Jermaine Jenas. He had bravely spoken openly about his emotions and feelings on being targeted for racial slurs and hateful messages on social media. I applaud his bravery for speaking out. It brought it home to me how people could dehumanise others so easily, especially those that they do not know personally. It made me wonder how someone could objectify others without conscience.

 I understand racism, prejudices and discrimination because I had endured the pain and hurt myself, as a child growing up in the UK. I had never known it before, in Thailand where I was born. However, I had grown up thinking that as a minority, it must have been something that we (as the minorities) had to put up with. Not many people speak out about it thirty years ago. Not that I recalled. It was not okay then, and it is still not okay now. I am thankful that more and more people are spoken up about it.

In this blog, I want to share my intrapsychic processes in dealing with any persons who objectify others. If you have been a subject of hate on social media or in person, you might find these processes helpful too. If you are experiencing racial attacks in your daily life, again, it might help to learn that you, too, can overcome their racial prejudices.

 In my experience, I found that individuals who personally attack others at their core being have a deficiently low sense of self-worth within themselves. They do not want others to know this and will put up a front by attacking others. After all, no one is going to be looking or noticing them. I had come to realise that the bullies were often bullied by others, and they were simply repeating learned helplessness behaviours by bullying, discriminating, racially attacking you. They had learned that they didn’t have a choice and was helpless to accept the situation. At their core being, they may feel insecure and hurting. They mimic the unacceptable behaviours believing that it must be powerful to do the bullying to others.

Just a caution, the hypotheses below offers a psychological perspective of an inner working on one’s mind, both as a sufferer and as the perpetrator. It is not an excuse for any individuals and especially those that cause harm to others. It is a subjective supposition based on my experiences as a sufferer and from learned experiences with perpetrators. The purpose of highlighting their perspectives is to understand the underlying behaviours and the roles they inadvertently played in the “drama triangle”. The drama created in an insecure person is inadvertently played out in reality as they co-create the inner world, in the real world.

 Introducing drama triangle?

The drama triangle is a psychological model that was first described by Stephen Karpman in 1961, who was a student of Eric Berne, the founding father of Transactional Analysis developed in the 1950s. Karpman explained the insidious nature of the psyche in which we all, unconsciously, play a part in the game of life. He went on to explain how we can fall victim to the roles in our life script. He also described how we could all get caught in the destructive cycle and struggle to break free from its toxic enmeshment. It did not begin with ourselves, but you can end the maintaining cycle. You do have a choice!

The purpose of discussing this theorem is not about blame but rather to highlight that we are all subjected to learned helplessness in its dysfunctional social interactions, which has increasingly become a problem in modern societies, especially on online social media platforms.

As mentioned at the beginning of this article, it begins with online abuse, trolling, hateful and abusive messages (directly or indirectly). It begins in the dysfunctional household in which warmth, love, and compassion are missing. It starts as self-defecation, self-loathing and self-hatred, and then it spreads outwards out of our pores infecting and targeting others. It was negatively reinforced into our being from adverse parental experiences of our parents. They may have been unconsciously ‘acting out’ what was normal within their household. And until we have an awareness of our misbehaving, we remain oblivious of our behaviours towards others. Let’s take a closer look at each of the roles in the drama that we participated in and helped co-created.

“We have a choice about the roles that we play in the game of life. Which part will you choose to play in your next role?”

As the victim (the suffers)

Generally, no one willingly, readily or consciously chooses to be a victim. It is something that is forced or happens to us. The sufferer often feels trapped, helpless and hopeless to do something about the situation. Especially when the abuse is online, social media sites are not proactive in dealing with the abuse. And especially, after you reported the abuse you may not see any real changes.

 Being victimised predominantly begin in childhood. As a child, you may feel trapped when you are told off, reprimanded or abused by someone older/bigger and more powerful, usually a parent or an older sibling. As you internalised, you inadvertently assumed being powerless because you are smaller and have no power. You question your sense of worth and wonder why it happened to you. If you had no choice and could not venture out on your own, and you had to stay in a dysfunctional environment, it leaves you vulnerable to defend yourself against future attacks. You become learned helpless in situations and seek out other destructive engagements because it was familiar. This internalisation happens unconsciously to you.  You had unwittingly become a victim because of your negative childhood experiences, negative reinforcement, abuse and cruelty.

Being a victim DID NOT begin with you.

As the perpetrator (the abuser)

Individuals who were brought up in an abusive, oppressive, hostile, and critical environment may have inadvertently fallen into being a victim initially. They had helplessly learned what was normal in the abnormal and dysfunctional family system. They learned from their caregivers and mirrored their role as an abuser and persecutor. They learned to punish others by abusing them, to hurt others just as they were hurt.

 These individuals blame their victims for their own weaknesses. As a child, we could not and do not blame our parents for their misbehaving and misguided parenting. The child magically believed that their parents are Gods, according to John Bradshaw On the Family. The concept of magically thinking describes how a child idealises their parents within the family system. The child would not and could blame themselves as their cognitive functions are still developing. And if the child does not learn to take responsibility for their actions, they will grow up and continue to blame others for their flaws. Individuals with toxic and negative nurturing experience externalised behaviours such as physical aggression, verbal abuse, relational aggression, hate and acting out any forms of hostility and violence, physically, mentally, psychologically or verbally.

The majority of a bully or an abuser has been the subject of abuse themselves, which may be why they bully or abuse others to make themself feel superior, and to feel powerful. This is not an excuse because some people who were bullies had not resorted to becoming one themselves.

As the Rescuer (the helper) 

Individuals who identify themselves as a rescuer will attempt to help the sufferers and intervene to save them from the bullies or the abusers. They suffer enormously from guilt if they do not interfere. They have a positive intention to help the person, but they could not see the consequence of their behaviours and may often worsen the situation. This individual has a strong desire to protect others, but it can keep the victim arrested in their development as they become dependent on the person to fight their battle.

 The Rescuer has a propensity to focus on helping and failing to see their unconscious gains. These unconscious gains include being good because one is needed or wanted, feeling important, feeling God-like, and feeling helpful or valuable, all of which satisfy the egoic mind.

I had been bullied, verbally and mentally. I was bullied in the first two years of secondary school, and I found a way to stand up to the bullies. I was bullied because I was Thai and looked essentially different to the majority of white children in the class. I was a minority and could not speak English. It seemed like I was the easy target! As the only oriental at school, I was objectified and depersonalised.

It has not been on my conscience to pay it forward at any stage because I believed in karma. I remember thinking that it would not be fair to treat others in the same way because I didn’t like it. Thus, it is not always the case that those who were bullied become a bully.

I had been a victim; however, I never felt sorry for myself or thought why me. I thought, what’s wrong with you, rather than what’s wrong with me? What happened to you to be so mean? How did you come to be full of rage and hate? In cases of individuals who target others for their appearances, specifically online, they think it is safe to hide behind their masks and the internet. These individuals dehumanise, criticise and devalue someone often because they projected something they disliked within themselves onto others. It is far easier to mock them than it is to knock ourselves.

I had never been a perpetrator. It did not sit well with me morally, and I had never consciously wished harm onto another. If I was with someone that bullies others, I removed myself from the toxic person. If I don’t like something to be done unto me, I would not want it done onto thee. I considered the hurt and pain of the catcalls, and I cannot put anyone through any form of (verbal or physical) abuse. I do not want bad karma or the negative consequences of the law of attraction.

I am a rescuer. I want to help others and it was unsurprising that I am a counsellor/therapist. However, I had been compromised and thought that my good intentions were helpful and useful to others. It is true that there is a sense of satisfaction in helping and being in service of others. But, it can be a hinder to their development and growth if you take away the learning experiences for the individual.

“We learn by making mistakes. We learn from our pain and suffering. In light of those experiences, we grow and thrive as a unique spiritual being.”

How to break out of the drama triangle?

Here are some helpful tips on how to break free from the drama triangle. It is never too late to choose another role. You just need to remember that you DO have a choice. So, choose wisely. 

Recognise your position in the drama triangle

Recognising whereabout you are on the drama triangle will help you to be aware of your role when you are relating to others. When you recognise your part, you can decide if playing in the triangle is helpful to you. We are all participants in the game of life, and how we play depends on our chosen role. We can challenge any position in life if they are no longer helpful. Once you realise that you have a choice, you can work toward breaking free from the confinement of the outdated role and step out of the drama triangle into a life worth living.

 Be mindful and ask first, challenge later

When you are mindful of others, you are less likely to jump to any form of illusion about what was said or who said what. On social media, we can easily misread, misunderstand and mis-take things the wrong way. In a mindful state, you will be prone to ask questions to find what more about what or why it was said. You would consider whether you understood the content or that the other person miscommunicated. Say: When you said that, what did you mean? Why did you say that?… I was hurt, upset, etc. What you said was untrue, insensitive, rude, hurtful etc.; why did you make those personal remarks? If you can be bothered to respond to the attackers. It is also safer and kinder to yourself to report, blocking them from seeing their contents entirely.

 Be curious

Curiosity is one of the core traits of our inner child. Curiosity gives us a sense of inquisitiveness to explore further what someone meant. Communication is a two-way process, and misunderstanding can happen when we relate to each other, especially in writing. Curiosity requires an investigation and encourages further dialogue. If you are being bullied, ask the bullier why they are bullying you? Say: When you said that, it upsets me, hurt me; etc. When you spoke to me that way or write those things about me, I felt humiliated, shame, or that I felt bullied, etc.

 Stand firm and stand tall

When you stand up for yourself against a bully, they may retaliate in response to your behavioural change. Your behaviour has consequences on others, just as you are influenced by another. However, standing firm and standing tall against any form of bullies or injustice is about facing up to and confronting the other. It is not an easy thing to do especially if it is unfamiliar to you. But, standing up for yourself may also be demonstrated in your body language, without words. Often when most of us face someone with bullish behaviour, we politely walk away. But, this might be an opportunity to stand your ground and test out your stance. It might be a look that says, you cannot treat me that way. It might be your long gaze at the person as they misbehaved. You can also consciously broadcast messages that say something like, you will not stand to be bullied, abused, violated, dehumanised, devalued etc. These are unspoken thoughts and convictions of your inner voice, speaking loudly in your psyche, directly project to the person as you continue to look at the individual. Standing firm online might include reporting it to the social media platform and the police. Standing firm might also include responding to the bullies and shaming them online and making them a focus rather than you.

 Rewind! And Be kind

Kindness acts is a gesture of love for others. It shows that you are mindful and considerate of others, but not over your own needs. Kindness is powerful in relationship building and helps diffuse even the hardened mind. Kindness act is a balance of being considered and being equally important. A kind word can help lift someone’s day. Imagine how a kind act can help the person.

Making a change is never easy but it is not impossible. You can unlearn the way you used to do things, and relearn to do it differently. It may be unfamiliar to you but like anything worth doing, it will be rewarding.

As a final note, I just want to add that it is never okay to mistreat any other living beings. It is never acceptable to devalue, objectify, (verbally, mentally or physically) abuse or dehumanise anyone. After all, how would you like it if it happened to you?

It did not start with you, but it can end with you; you can change your beliefs, your mindset and your behaviours about something or someone. You can be the person who breaks the mould. Break the archaic societal rules embedded in the collective unconsciousness of rage or hate. Breakfree and break away from the racial, discriminatory and prejudiced trance.

 

Mindfulness Motivation for Confidence

In Confidence Building, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Mindfulness, Motivation, Self-Development, Wellness

Mindfulness is a conscious awareness of doing something, being in the moment with your internal states, including your thoughts, feelings, emotions, bodily sensations, and outer environment. In this post, I wanted to discuss how this technique can be applied to motivate activities that can help improve your confidence.

Mindfulness is ubiquitous in mental health and wellness. Over the past twenty years, I have noticed that this concept recently on the rise is welcoming. Many mind-identified individuals embrace it. But, it can be so much more if we find a creative way to use this principle.

“Mindfulness versus Mindlessness – which would you rather be?”

Mindfulness concerns the mental activity and mental state with thoughtfulness rather than mindlessness. It is an internal and external observation of one’s state without judgment, attention or focus. It is about noticing whatever it is in the moment and letting it go.

The purpose of mindfulness is to stay neutral to your experiences with the intention of staying with yourself. The idea is to be alert with a focused relaxation. Thoughts and abreactions in the body will arise. You may notice them and observe them without judgement. They will find that they will soon dissipate and disappear.

Mindfulness helps to improve the processing in the psyche. It helps balance any chemical imbalances in the brain and realign cognitive distortion. It helps bring awareness to thoughts and thinking patterns. It makes conscious your proclivity to analyse, criticise or ruminate in the mind. When you are wide awake to the way you think, and what you tend to think about, you will have the capacity to notice your thinking tendencies, which will, in turn, improve self-awareness and self-consciousness in the realisation. The realisation comes with a sense of achievement and wonders, followed by positive mental and physical feelings.

 In the state of mindfulness, your mental and physical state changes any chemical imbalances in the brain. It makes it rewarding and satisfying. This helps you see your inner resilience and inner strength as you successfully become mindful. You could instantly feel an improvement in your entire being. Eventually, you can feel confident in your achievement of being mindful. Before you know it, you are already motivated to keep practising mindfulness.

Mentally, you will soon notice an improvement in your problem-solving ability and reasoning skills. Improving the mind will help reduce psychic tension, such as anxieties, depression, conflicts and afflictions.

Physically, you will soon notice an improvement in your physiological responses to situations, such as lowering heart rate, lowering blood pressure, and improved sleep. The body will benefit from conditions such as gastrointestinal discomfort, chronic pain, illnesses and dis-ease.

Emotionally, you will soon notice a shift in your feelings and emotions. If you were previously pessimistic, a “glass half empty person”, you might notice that you are becoming optimistic, a “glass half full person” now. You might now recognise how you feel about a distressful situation and find a way to resolve it with ease. As you feel comfortable, you will begin to notice your confidence and esteem rising.

“Mindfulness versus Mindlessness? I know which one I would choose.”

There are many creative ways to incorporate mindfulness into our daily lives. You probably already know how to include mindfulness into your daily ritual. I hope you can feel the difference in this way of being when you make mindfulness a part of your life. And that this positive feeling acts as a motivation for you to keep using the technique. Mindfulness is often used with meditation, relaxation, visualisation, hypnotherapy, and more. However, there are different ways you can apply mindfulness to deepen your self-development.

 Mindful meditation requires you to sit in a meditative lotus posture, preferrable where you can be close to the ground for grounding and support. The combination of mindfulness and meditation is a marriage made in heaven. It is the most effective approach to a mindful state. You might want to explore using mantra words or statements to repeat silently during the meditation.

Mantra words or statements for motivation might be; you are a master of your mind and body, you are confident, you can achieve greatness, you can achieve relaxation easily. Perhaps you can think of your own mantra.

Affirmations for motivation in your meditation might include statements such as, I am confident, I am calm, I am relaxed in stressful situations, I am motivated, I am committed to self-care and self-love. Perhaps you can think of more affirmations that suit you better.

Body awareness mindfulness acknowledges the body’s physical state. You might notice the body sensation or discomfort in the meditative state, such as coughing, itching, tingling, and warmth. Whatever the sensation, observe it without judgement or critique. The purpose of this approach is to scan the body so that you can develop an awareness of your body. This is especially effective if you are disidentified or dissociated from the body.

Sensory awareness meditation acknowledges sensations such as tastes, smells, sounds and touches on the skin or body. The purpose of this approach is to observe your senses, including your sixth sense. You can become attuned to your senses through this practice. It helps to develop an awareness of your senses. Everyone has a strong preference for their sensory modality. You might be essentially a visual person. However, to be more self-aware, you need to be aware of all your senses.

 Emotional awareness meditation concerns your feelings emotions. This approach of mindfulness meditation considers being with your feelings and emotions. However, you might already know that it is difficult to practice mindfulness meditation when an emotion grips you. But, this is the best time to use this technique. In a meditative and relaxed state, you can observe your feelings, name them, locate it in the body and bear with them much easier than in the heightened state. In a heightened state, you are reactive to the experience in the situation. In a relaxed state, you are non-reactive but responsive and aware of the emotions. If helpful, you can go into the meditation and recall an event where strong emotions arise. Practice being with your feelings and emotions. Observe them without judging or giving them narratives or meanings. Accepting them as being a part of you and having compassion for the way they had influenced your responses.

Behavioural awareness meditation involves being in a meditative state with the intention of observing your behaviour in situations. The aim here is to recognise your behaviours, behave, and react in a situation. You might not like a specific behaviour such as excessive alcohol, drug use, gambling, or eating. This approach works well with unwanted behaviours; such as compulsivity, impulsivity, habitual, addiction, as well as maladaptive or destructive behaviours such as self-harming acts. This mindful technique needs a lot of will or volition. A word of warning, a strong sense of self and ego strength is required to try this method.

Basic mindfulness requires you to sit someplace quiet and be physically still. The purpose of this technique is about being with yourself in your inner world. It is essential to be silent, without external sounds (music, TV, radio etc.). You might not be able to avoid the outside sounds. You might experience abreaction such as a cough, an ache, a cramp and others. Bear with it if you want to experience the positivity of a mindful effect.

Simple mindfulness can be applied to other aspects of your life, such as walking or light exercises like yoga. I use mindfulness regularly for all sorts of reasons. I use mindfulness when I am drawing or painting and running or swimming. I am sure you can also think of your own way to incorporate mindfulness with activities in your life—any activities except driving or anything involving risk to your health and wellness.

To summarise, mindfulness breathing is fantastic for personal development and general wellbeing. It is something that can be done effortlessly. After all, you are breathing right now as you are reading this!

If you are struggling and need support, maybe you will give me a call?

Mental Wellness in Winter

In Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Wellness

In the northern hemisphere, daylight hours are shortened in winter, generally, from last September to March. This means that we get less exposure to sunlight. Sunlight gives us positive mental wellness. It’s warm mentally and physically, as well as being essential to our health. I want to share some of my mental wellness strategies for the coming winter months. Some of these strategies are an adaptation from others, and some are ones I adopted through practising.

But, first on the importance of mental wellness, specifically in the coming months. Mental wellness is as essential as physical wellness. After all, a healthy body equals a healthy mind. Most of us take regular exercises to improve our physical health, whether through walking, cardio-vascular exercises or fitness classes. I regularly take long walks, practise kickboxing and MMA at least four times a week. If we can look at ways to apply the same strategy to our mental health, we are on the way to improving our overall wellbeing.

However, with the upcoming weather changes and shorter daylight hours, we can be affected by the seasonal changes. Seasonal affective disorders (or SAD) are prevalent. Changes in our external environment will invariably affect change in our inner world. I certainly have noticed the fast-approaching dark nights and the lacking of energy.

What are mental health and mental wellness?

Mental health concerns the health of our mind, psyche and mental construct. This includes our thoughts, our thinking style and our mental model of the world. The mind never sleeps because it works to ensure that our internal organs are functioning at all times. It operates on a cycle that recurs every twenty-four hours, and it is better known as the circadian rhythm. Within the circadian rhythm, various internal organs become active in alignment with the meridian circuit at their peak time. Positive mental health and wellness is a balance of the body-mind in one wholistic system working together. Adverse mental health and illness is an imbalance of the body-mind system causing misalignments.

Why do most of us struggle with our mental health in the winter more so than in the spring or summer months?

Many factors can negatively affect our mental health. Most of us will struggle with daily challenges such as worrying about our finances, job insecurities, time-pressured job-related responsibilities, family worries, relationship concerns etc. But, changes in the weather can also be a factor that lower moods and dampen the spirit.

Most of us may struggle with our mental health in the winter months mainly because of environmental changes, but other influences can be. The fluctuation in the atmospheric pressure can lead to lethargy, tiredness and fatigue. The quickening dark nights do limit our time in daylight. The shorter days come with limitations and the desire to hibernate. Our desire to get out of bed when it is still dark can diminished. And we lack the will to do energy. We grapple with staying positive, and our mental health can slide into low moods.

The good news is that we can do something about this, and we are all capable of taking steps to help improve our mental wellbeing during the winter months. The benefits of positive mental health are essential for our overall wellbeing. Here are some helpful strategies to get you through the upcoming months.

Surround yourself with natural (day)light bulbs or lamps

 You can buy daylight bulbs or lamps in any lighting shop or online. The benefits of daylight bulbs help increase our exposure to natural daylight. It helps to improve our moods and mental awareness. It also helps to reduce Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Try it for yourself.

 

Surround yourself with psychic protection

Be in a meditative state. Visualise yourself surrounded by a transparent white light that encased your entire body. Within the protective bubble, feel the warmth of white light energy recharging your spiritual and physical body.

Ensure that you are well-nourished

For a healthy body-mind, we need to take care of the physical body as this helps maintain a healthy mind. Eating a regular, colourful and balanced diet is essential for positive physical health.

Wellness is about balanced in all aspects of beingness. Eating in moderation. Drinking in moderation. Exercise in moderation etc.

Incorporate meditation into your day

Make time for meditation, set yourself the time and space to be with your inner world. This means sitting still, preferably in a quiet and peaceful place, outside if possible. Go inside yourself. Be with your thoughts and allow your mind to wander, and just observe whatever you’re thinking. And notice the different things that your might be thinking about. And see who is observing the thoughts.

Practice mindfulness

Practice being mindful. Mindfulness is a conscious awareness of our thoughts and the mind. It is about making our automatic thoughts and the thing we think about conscious. If you tend to ruminate over a situation, being mindful helps you to notice the recurring thoughts. Then, you can ask yourself why you keep thinking about those thoughts. You should begin to see a pattern of repetitive thoughts or recurring thinking. I often find myself repeatedly thinking about wrongdoers. The individuals who have caused me aggrieved.

Mindfulness is simply being conscious about your present state of being and notice what you are consciously doing, thinking and feeling at that instance. It is about acknowledging what is and accepting the presentness of those sensations.

Nurture your spiritual Self

Naturally, as we take care of our physical body, we also need to consider our Spiritual Self too. Nurturing our spiritual Self include adopting rituals and practices that align with our beliefs, including religious and cultural traditions. Nurturing your soul also include transparency, honesty and being truthful to yourself. This means confessing and admitting your mistakes and take ownership of your responsibilities. Acknowledge your wrongdoings and let go of the false pride. Inevitably, you can find forgiveness for yourself and for others.

Keeping warm

When the temperature drops below our ideal condition, we can be affected energetically. If it’s cold outside, we naturally strive to keep warm. If it’s warm outside, we will adhere to stay cool. Keeping warm physically by insulating our body. Keep warm mentally by ensuring that you wear warm colours, warm food such as chillies or jalapenos peppers, and drink warming beverages. Light a candle – do not underestimate the warmth of a single candle.

“Happiness cannot be persued, it must be ensue.” – Viktor E. Frankl.

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Appreciate the littlest thing, makes the heart sing

In Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Spirituality, Wellness

It can be difficult to find motivation and inspiration at times. I have days when I lack the will to do. When feeling unmotivated and uninspired, we lack interest and enthusiasm in things, people and life. It can dampen our moods without a reason or motive. It comes with an unwillingness to do anything, accompanied by thoughts such as, “Don’t want to do anything”, or, “Don’t feel like doing anything”, or, “Cannot be bothered”.

Psychologically, what we think affects how we feel and act. What we feel affects our thoughts and what we do. What we do affect how we think and what we feel. We can easily be identified with our thoughts, our feelings and our behaviours. But, in reality, we are simultaneously influenced by all three elements, the body, feelings, and mind.

When one lacking motivation and loses interest, it may be because your aspirations and goals are lacking, too vague, too open or unachievable. When in this state, it can be a precursor to pessimism, leading to negative outlooks on life, people, and things. Negative views can eventually spiral into other issues and psychological disorders. Eventually, psychological conditions can lead to physical manifestation within the body somatically. It can be hard to believe for some people who cannot comprehend how something intangible can become symptomatic. Regardless of whether you believe it or not, your mental and psychological disorders are problematic and unhealthy which can lead to physical health problems.

To maintain a healthy lifestyle, we need to take care of the body, feelings and mind in a holistic concept. An inclusive perspective means leading a healthy and balanced lifestyle. We can begin instantly by appreciating the littlest things that bring us joy and happiness. When we can appreciate the simple things in the mundane, our hearts will sing.

When the heart sings, there is an immense joyous feeling. This feeling brings us closer to spirituality and enlightenment. It is a peaceful experience that comes with inner calmness and connectivity with something more than ourselves. The feelings are akin to moments of bliss and euphoria but without any interference or interventions of any substances.

Here are some helpful tips on how appreciating the little things can instantly lift your moods.

Find the little thing to appreciate is not something that can be rushed or obsessed over. It is not something that leads to compulsion. Stop what you are doing and let it go when you feel you are negatively reacting to the process.

  • Begin with the simple thing.

Begin with the simplest thing. This can simply be appreciating what you have or who you are with. Appreciate what we have is literally that. Start with things that are closest to you. For example, I appreciate the clothes on my back. Appreciate the clothes in my cupboard and the fact that I was able to afford the beautiful things that I have. In the process, you will need to be grounded and embodied in appreciative and thankful thoughts. It is an inner recognition that you want to elicit. Although you are using the external things or stimuli to stimulate.

It is a balance of appreciation and at the same time, know that you are not too attached or unhealthy attached to the items.

Deep appreciation is an inner thankful feeling in which you value its qualities and respect. In this example, you may value your clothes, but the symbolic nature of the process is what you want to tap into. You might appreciate your house and having a roof over your head. You might appreciate your job and be thankful to have employment. You might appreciate the food you are eating, your health, your abilities to learn and grow etc.

Have ago and think about what else you appreciate.

  • Begin with acts of kindness to the people closest to you

 The people closest to you mean individuals nearest to you, as this may not be your immediate family. The people we choose to have around us impact our being. You might have lots of family members but may not live close to them. You might live closer to friends and work colleagues. The people around us influence our lives. Begin by appreciating those around you, that includes your neighbours and the community in which you live. After all, a part of you knows why you have chosen to live where you are. Start appreciating those people that are closest to you.

For example, I am not necessarily a friend to the neighbours, but there is a silent appreciation. I am amiable and pleasant to have them as neighbours. I treat them as I would like to be treated. I am warm and friendly, even if I may not experience them the same way. Even if I experienced them with some hostility and challenges, I remained amiable and pleasant.

The Law of Attractions dictates that what we give out will be returned to us. If we display amiable, warm and friendly behaviours, these qualities will be payback. Act of kindness is easier than you think, and it should not be an effort or a chore. If you struggle with this, check your thoughts in the psyche, observe feelings in your heart, and notice what you believe. You may be unconsciously broadcasting negative messages, and the Law of Attraction will manifest what you hold true.

  • Appreciate nature

 Appreciate the outdoor and nature. Enjoy the freshness and colourful nature of the natural world and be one with nature. Nature therapy is healing and beneficial to our health and wellbeing. When I say being in nature, I mean in the woods, the field, the mountain, a lake or river etc. Nature consists of plants, animals, landscape and all the features that makeup from products of the Earth where life exists.

There are many positive benefits to the outdoor and nature. It gives us the opportunity to connect with our environment and realise that we are supported and provided for. Nature support life, and we are a part of something more than ourselves.

In the awareness of being more than ourselves, we will come to have admiration for the beauty of our world. We can develop respect and cherish the cycle of life in nature and in ourselves. As you cherish the beauty of the outer world, you will begin to feel love for yourself.

But, you will need to really be grounded and be embodied as you experience your environment. You will need to immerse yourself in your surroundings. Take in the beauty of your nearby places and find what is wonderful. It might be the soft, mushy ground that you’re walking on. It might be the feel of the grass beneath your hands or feet. It might be the rough contour of the tree which you are leaning against, etc.

  • Smile and be joyful

 Fake it until you make it. It might seem like an effort and difficult to foster a smile. But, it is effortless. Curl your lips together and grin. Turn that frown upside down! Smiling and positioning our mouth into the smile helps to improve our moods as the body is ‘tricked’ into releasing cortisol and endorphins. We all know all the many benefits of these two magical chemicals in the body. But, did you know that it is also catching?

Fake it until you make it.

Smiling is fantastic and wonderful. It is healthy for the body and mind in reducing our anxieties and stress. It helps lower the heart rate, blood pressure and boost your immunity. A smile a day keeps the misery at bay.

When you smile, you will naturally be joyful; thus, it is effortless. Plus, it will also instantly brighten up someone else’s day when you smile at someone. A smile begins with you. Surely that must bring more smiles to your face.

A smile a day keeps the misery at bay.

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Feeling safe and secure

In Anxiety & Fears, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Emotions, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Wellness

One of the conditions in modern societies that often contributes to stress and anxieties is feeling insecure, threatened, or unsafe. There are many other factors to stress, anxiety and emotional disturbances. But, I want to address issues close to my heart; intrapsychic safety and security. I want to specifically address feeling unsafe and insecure.

Feeling unsafe intrapsychically will inevitably convert to maladaptive behaviours and compulsivity. Feeling insecure intrapsychically often lead to a lack of confidence in one’s own abilities and skills and distrustful of others, and the world.

 Generally, feelings are my friend, and I have made acquaintances with almost all of my emotions. I had come to accept feelings and emotions as a part of my experiences to be felt. I had embraced and incorporated feelings and emotions within my being. I have also allowed myself to mindfully and consciously express the feeling felt. I had even released inherited, trapped and preconception emotions, as well as unblocking heart-wall emotions. I had healed compound and post-traumatic emotional reverberation too. But, as an empath, I had learned the hard way how my feelings can still affect me, and most importantly, how other people’s emotions also impacted me. I had occasionally absorbed other people’s emotional resonances, and I had allowed that to affect me.

Feeling unsafe and insecure are intrapsychic emotions. They are the core woundings from a less than ideal early environment in childhood. But, we do not have to let the past define the present or the future. These feelings often stemmed from inconsistency, chaotic and dismissive attachment patterns from our caregivers. But, they are not to blame because they too were the victim of their core woundings.

Feeling unsafe arises when our external environment was hostile and threatening. A child may feel unsafe when their sense of self is physically or emotionally threatened. A child will also feel unsafe, lonely and abandoned when the caregiver is absent or when she is left alone for an extended period. If there is no one to mirror our being, we can lose sight of our beingness. The experiences can trigger body-memory retention, and their physiological response is usually a hypersensitivity to threats in the exterior world. Their fight/flight/freeze response is constantly on the alert and they are hypervigilant to fearful arousal. Imagine the toll this has on the body when it is permanently on alert.

 Feeling insecure, succeed feeling unsafe. When feeling insecure, a child feels awkward and inadequate in their abilities, skills and resources. The child lacks confidence, have doubts and distrusts themself, others and the world. Thus, the child will grow up to seek validation from the exterior world, thinking it would soothe their inner sanctum. When we are insecure about ourselves, we compensate for the lacking by constantly looking for ways to feel safe and secure. We also compensate by avoiding situations or people, and we may become controlling, adopting perfectionistic traits, or have obsessive-compulsive behaviours. We will often look for what is missing within outside of ourselves. We do this by collecting (material) things, including having people around us that makes us feel good. Unfortunately, we will not fully soothe that void looking externally when our intrapsychic world is unsafe.

When I feel unsafe going someplace new, I used to make sure that I was early to the event. I would make sure that I arrived at least half an hour before the meeting to have time to settle down and relaxed. This behaviour allows me to feel like I was in control and it was a way of alleviating the discomfort, rather than looking at what was the cause. My strategy was to find ways to have control of situations or events. It was a strategy that worked for a time. Eventually, I had to look within to self-soothe.

In the perpetual cycle of self-fulling prophecy, a person seeks ways to feel safe and secure when feeling unsafe and insecure. However, you can find a way to self-soothe and settle the insecurity within the psyche. Here’s the good news. There are ways in which you can help yourself.

Here are some of the tools and techniques to help you build confidence, esteem and worth. They worked for me and I hope that they work for you too.

  • Make time for Self-care

 Always put yourself first, you matter the most! This is not a selfish thought, but rather a self-care process. You have to look after number one (YOU). You have to move past caring for others first. Undoubtedly, we were conditioned to be considered, to be nice, to be kind to others. We were told to think of others, to be helpful and to be thoughtful of others. We were taught to believe that it matters what others think about us. But, in so doing, we neglected our own needs and care. I certainly thought that if I was helpful, nice and kind, somehow, I would feel safe in being altruistic.

However, it is more important that you treat yourself kindly through self-care rituals than being concerned with other’s people opinions. Self-care ritual is not simply just taking care of yourself physically, but also mentally too. Self-care mental constructs include positive words of affirmation for yourself, have compassion for mistakes of past events, and forgive yourself. For example, I have positive confirmations post-it notes all around the house to remind me of the positive qualities such as “I am safe!”, “I am comfortable in my skin!” etc.

  • Stop making excuses and start doing

 When our external world is unsafe, we introspect and come to believe that our inner world is too. As we continue to think this way, we start to look for ways to feel safe and be safe. We tend to see threats when there are none.  We make excuses for people, things and situations to minimise the threat, which may be imaginary. We may make excuses to change our behaviours and our mindsets because we are complacent in the familiar. This can keep us stuck in hypervigilant behaviours.

Change is inevitable and we should embrace it. If you have a resistance to change, start with something small. Perhaps begin with a small change of routine, such as change the direction to work. Walk on a different side of the road! When we start to take these small steps to change it gets easier.

  • Reframe the way you think

 What we think, we will manifest because it was impressed in the mind. If you think that you are not safe, lacking in confidence or not worthy you are essentially broadcasting this unconsciously. We don’t consciously mean to send out these unconscious perceptions but we do, and we project it.

Have you ever experience discomfort or uneasiness in a situation with someone and you don’t know why? It is possible that that person had unconsciously broadcast messages to your unconsciousness. You cannot see it but it is there. Just like the radiowaves being broadcasted from a radio station, you cannot see the radio wave but it is there nonetheless.

Reframing your thinking style simply means reverting the way you think. If you tend to be pessimistic, revert this to be optimistic. It is simply about changing your automatic thoughts and make them conscious. You will need to watch what you think to reframe your thoughts. If you often find yourself saying that you cannot do something, change this to you can! It is about fake it until you make it.

  • Remind yourself that you are loved

 When we feel unsafe, threatened or insecure it is often because the love is not there. Our feelings begin internally as a result of an external stimulus that we introject, but we could also be absorbing other’s people energy and emotion, unconsciously. We can protect ourselves and keep safe by reminding ourselves that we are loved. We are loved by God. We are loved by the Higher Power. We are loved and we can draw power from the universe to recharge our battery, just as we recharge our body through grounding.

We simply need to visualise ourselves being loved, imagine feeling loved, feeling protected and feeling safe within the loving embrace.  Try it, find a quiet place, be still and silent. Close your eyes and imagine feeling loved. Even if you have not experienced love in your reality, you can still imagine what it would be like to have loving feelings for yourself. It might help to think about what you love, to experience loving feelings.

I love my inner child! I imagine her face, the innocent, the bright eyes and I recalled other special features to help me feel that love. It might help if you have a photo of the child that you were. Really see her/him. Feel the love for her/him. Take as long as you need. You will know the experience of love when tears well up in your eyes. It might take some practising especially if your experiences of love was absent or hostile or if you are not connected to the essence of your inner child.

Once you have experienced love for yourself, you can emit and project that love towards others. Then wait, watch and see that love returned to you. According to the Universal Law of Attraction, what we give out, we will attract.

With faith, hope and trust, you too can find your safety and security intrapsychically within your inner world. If you hold love and positive intention within your heart, you will receive what you give out.

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Accepting what is

In Compassion, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Trust, Wellness

Acceptance, according to Buddhist principles, is the belief in accepting what is. Accepting life as it comes. Accepting one’s responsibility and action. Accepting one’s personality and qualities, both positive and negative. It is a concept that embraces karma as well as fate. It is a way of going with what is rather than resist and become distressed with what is not. It means surrendering control and power to the unforeseeable forces of nature and the universal laws of cause and effect. It can be an unfamiliar and challenging notion to practice if you have strong precedence to control your life. To begin accepting what is means letting go of the locus of control. Letting go of what you think you have control of in your life.

Acceptance is a concept of belief that recognises the validity of a thing or situation as it is. It is a conscious act with a positive intention for open-mindedness. It is to perceive something or a problem with a realistic view without judgement, assumption or supposition. In Psychology, acceptance is a catharsis, and it is a process of healing our cognition and emotion. But, if we can extend acceptance to all aspect of our lives and ourselves, we can come to a place of peace.

However, to accept something or someone, we need to understand ourselves implicitly. It means looking within to check our belief system, mindset, prejudices and judgement that we hold from our lived experiences. It is about observing our ethical and moral values. As social beings, humans are generally easily influenced, and our actions impact those around us. As we are influenced by others, we believe some of the things others say, especially those we idealised. As we accept those individuals, we are shaped by those in our environment in conformity. If something that we received differs from those we already believed, there will be an internal conflict. If we are stifled by others for our unique thinking, we may become a scapegoat or an outcast, which also causes inner dissonance.

To be able to accept what is, here are a few tips that I have tried and tested. They are the tools and strategies that work for me over the years in training and practising as a therapist. They may seem like common sense, but sometimes the simplest things are most effective.

“The greatest gift of enlightenment to give to anyone is to share it.” – Buddha.

Here are some helpful tips to accepting what is

  • Letting go of things (and people) that are unhelpful to you for the moment while you work through your processes and learning how to accept what is. This could mean walking away from a difficult situation without a resolution. It could also mean physically letting go of your attachment to those things and people, and you will need to be disciplined in sticking to your decision. I found it most challenging to let of an unhealthy friendship. Even with positive intention, you cannot control the reaction that will be present in the other when they feel rejected as you let go of the relationship.
  • Recognise that you can change the thing that you can and cannot change the thing that you cannot. This is about realising what is within your control and boundary. You can change your behaviours and your actions, but you cannot change those in others.
  • Acknowledge the loss of letting go. When you consciously acknowledge something, you have an understanding of it happening, even if you have a belief around it. You might believe that you needed some space to work through an emotional reaction to something that a friend has said. As you let go of the relationship to process your response, you will experience a loss. The loss needs to be processed, and by giving yourself time, you are working through forgiving your grief.
  • Find your pleasure and soothe yourself in the learning process and in the grief. We often take self-care for granted, but it is now one of my favourites. Finding what makes you happy and joyous is a way to appreciate ourselves. You can easily build a self-care ritual into your daily routine. The trick is to find that joy. In the learning process, you can explore what makes you smile. In the grieving process, you can find what will comfort those tears. In the anxieties of facing the unresolved situation, you might discover that mindfulness help. Use your inner healer or go on an inner vacation with these meditations.
  • See, feel and know that it is not personal. Set your intentions to honestly look at the situation. Feel and experience the tension so that you can learn from it. Acknowledge what happened has a reason, even if this reasoning is not yet clear to you. Even if you suspect ill-intention from others, you can say to yourself internally that this too shall pass. You cannot change the way other feels. You can only change your perception.
  • Adopt a self-forgiveness policy. Forgiveness is a process or action that pardon someone, something or ourselves. It can be difficult, but with practice, you can learn it too. Forgiveness is about removing the blame from the other, including yourself. It is about having compassion for your action, response and those of others too. Forgiveness works well with love and understanding in conjunction with a compassionate mind.
  • Surrender. When you stop resisting, you will become receptive to the situation, a thing and people. To surrender means to let go and submit to what is. This is not the same as giving up, however. When you surrender to what is, you are opening up to spirituality and faith. This is a soulful experience of relinquishing control and trusting in life and the universe. The intention is to release the embodied experience and free the spirit to the constraint of the existential dilemma. It is similar to letting to, but you are doing it at the soul level. Try meditation and work on developing trust.

Accepting what is is a personal challenge that I sometimes struggle with because mistakes happen in the reality of a situation, especially in a relationship. It is an ongoing process, and one should not place emphasis on achieving and then forgetting it. It is not about ticking the box, and you are done with it. But, the more you practice and adopt this way of being, the more familiar you will become with accepting things, situation, people, life and yourself.

“Peace comes from within. Do not resist it.” – Buddha.

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Men’s Health Matters

In Mens Health, Mental Wellbeing, Self-care, Self-Development

In this month’s blog, I would like to highlight men’s health. The essential differences between men and women are apparent, according to British psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen. He stated that some men struggle to talk about feelings because they are hard-wired in the brain for ‘systemising’ to understand and build systems. However, it isn’t to say that this is the only reason why men rarely seek therapy or visit the doctor as regularly as women. Perhaps, there is something beyond our biology but more to do with one’s environment. Men’s health matters as much as women’s, and I want to address it here because there is a disparity in societal awareness.

 If you research men’s health, you will that men are just as concerned with some of the health issues faced by women. Some of those issues, according to WebMD, include depression, anxieties, panic, alcoholism, heart disease, prostate problems, erectile dysfunction and hair loss, just to name a few. In the UK, one in eight men experiences health issues, specifically around Mid-life as an existential crisis. There is an unconscious transgenerational trance that put pressure on men in modern societies. The pressure includes being the breadwinner, the provider, the protector, the saviour. These unhelpful roles and expectations put a continuous constraint on men on a daily basis. Men’s health matter, and we can break free from the limitation of those archaic beliefs. We can all do our part in changing our expectation of the men in our lives. We can encourage our partner, our dads, our grandad, and our male friends to be opened to their feelings and emotions, including concerns for their health and wellbeing.

 Men have genuine health concerns, which we should all validate. Suicide, for example, are higher in men than women, resulting from depression. Still, there is a lack of awareness, ineffective communication and unhealthy work-life balance from expectation in the workplace and at home. We can all help to minimise men’s health risks and have compassion for the inner struggle they faced and unable to vocalise.

“Health is the greatest gift, contentment is the greatest wealth.” – Buddha.

Here’s how you can help

  • Trust your instinct when you notice the subtle signs

If you are a wife, girlfriend or partner and suspect that your spouse struggles with his mental health. Trust your instinct and speak out for him. With his systemising brain, he might not be able to express the feelings and emotions associated with the physical symptoms of struggles. It would be an intimate experience within the relationship if you initiate the conversation. You might begin with something like, “I wonder if you are struggling with work, I noticed that you have been tired from working late all this week”, or “I wonder if you are experiencing something difficult because you have been avoiding being intimate with me?”. The subtle signs that you notice could be the beginning of a physical health issue.

  • Begin with your feelings

 When you being a conversation with an acknowledgement of your feelings and emotions, it gives the other person permission to express theirs. Most men struggle to tell you how they feel and what they think. If you make a start, it helps to normalise freedom of expression. It doesn’t come naturally to men, remember. It does not mean that they can’t learn. When you express your feeling toward them, it also helps them see, hear and understand your concern. You might begin with, “I feel like we have drifted apart, and I feel sad about that; what has been going on for you lately?” or “I feel sad and experience a distance between us because we have not been intimate, is there something you are feeling also?”

  • You cannot force what doesn’t come naturally

Generally, men will resist talking about feeling and emotion because they are not naturally emphatic. They should not be forced to have a ‘girly’ talk but rather encourage. They could be a mindset that prevents them from expressing their feeling. It might have been from conditioning in childhood that made them considered talking and showing emotions as signs of weakness. If that’s the case, we have to help them unlearned those unhelpful conditions. We would do this with love and patient, not shouting or nagging.

“If one speaks or act with a pure mind, happiness and love will follow.” – Buddha.

  • There are times when you need to take control

You might find that you will need to take control of their health matters. I don’t know if you feel the same, but I often have to book my husband’s doctors appointment for him. I even had to schedule his COVID-19 booking because he kept postponing the task. There might be fear in that. There might be a mindset that says, why fix it when it still works? Taking control and taking charge of your man’s health is you addressing the avoidance. You might even consider initiating a discussion as taking control. It is easy to bury our heads in the sand, but it shouldn’t be ignored when it comes to health and wellbeing.

  • Validate and affirm their experiences

 Sometimes it is difficult to express our emotions and feelings. The intensity of our emotions can control us and take over the logical, practical mind. We can’t work or do anything if we spend all our time in tears or emotional turmoil. It can feel lonely when we are consumed with emotions. When our emotions overwhelm us, we can validate them and accept them rather than repress them. We need to make friends with our feelings. We can help our husband, boyfriend or partner by validating emotions that overwhelmed them and affirm their struggle. In the acknowledgement, you are allowing them to be okay as they grapple with the inner brawl.

  • Appraisal, not appeasing

Who doesn’t like a compliment? The majority of us love being complimented and appraised. However, sometimes people struggle to say something nice. It is more habitual for us to critique rather than being pleasant. Many of us take our loved ones for granted, which is unhelpful. If we want to help bring awareness to our male partner’s health, we need to appraise his ego. But, be careful not to appease him by satisfying his egoic or narcissistic needs. An appraisal comes from the heart, and it is expressed with kindness. But, an appeasing comes from a place of fear.

“Never let your fear decide your future.” – Buddha.

  • Do not shame, blame or guilt-trip

It takes a lot of courage for people to share. It can seem like they have to build up their inner strength to talk about something personal, especially if it is something intimate and private. As a listening, it is most unhelpful to shame, judge or blame the person in the disclosure. Even if you displayed signs of shock or disbelief, it could be off-putting. Notice your reactions in response to what was shared when a man wants to address his hair loss problem, for example. There are deeper psychological emotions behind the feelings being displayed. For the man, it might be a loss of his fragility or virility. Never make them feel guilty for what men share because all things disclosed are genuine concerns and valid.

“It is easy to see the fault in others, but it is more difficult to see one’s own faults.” – Buddha.

What I have highlighted here is no mean extensive to men’s mental health or worries. You can probably come up with many other ways to help spread men’s health awareness. It starts with you, and you can make a huge difference someone whether he is a friend, family member or work colleague. With loving-kindness, you can really help men open up about their health concerns especially when you show a willingness to listen and express interests in their health and wellbeing.

“No one can walk the path for you, but you can share and unburdern you load.” – Unknown.

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Mental Health Awareness

In Compassion, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Wellness

Mental health is a recognition of our psyche and our psychological wellness. It is a way of looking at the conditions of the mind and relating to the mind. And when we look at the psyche, we also need to consider the health of the mind. In an acknowledgement of our state of mind, we will understand and have an awareness of our mental health.

In the same way, as we take care of our physical health, the body. We would ensure that we get enough sleep, eat well, exercise and have adequate rests. It is now becoming more apparent that we would benefit from taking care of our mental health, the mind. It would ensure that we are mindful of reducing stress tension on the grey areas of the brain, improving planning, helping with problem-solving abilities, and enhancing concentration and mental clarity.

As a therapist, I work with clients to connect the body, feelings and mind to promote wholeness within an individual. However, in this month’s blog, I want to address the mental aspect of wellness and to be more aware of your mental health.

Mental health has been a challenge that has recently spiked on the global scale since the pandemic. It has long been a part of Western societies since the birth of psychiatry, and possibly longer than that. Mental disturbances are a challenge that poses psychological and physical discomfort in the individual. Mental disturbances can range from worrying about your loved ones to concern for their safety and welfare. It is any disturbances that are constructed in the mind. The longer we are exposed to these disturbances, the more problem it poses on our mental health. Thus, our mental wellness depends on the way we think and how we construct our inner world.

Not only that, there are some judgements towards people with mental health issues as well. There are also prejudices or preconceived ideas that people may have towards someone with mental health problems, not necessarily based on reasons or experiences. These individuals’ subjective experiences can often do more harm than good to any person experiencing mental illness or disorder. Within the awareness of mental health problems, I will also address the stigma behind mental health awareness.

To understand mental health further, I want to begin by highlighting the four primary types of mental illnesses. They include:

  • Anxiety disorders such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, extreme fears and phobias.
  • Depressive disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder and mood disorder.
  • Personality disorders such as maladaptive behaviour, self-defeating and self-destructive behaviour.
  • Psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia and psychosis.

These four major types of mental illnesses extend to other psychological conditions, potentially leading to poor mental health, especially over a long period of suffering. Our mental wellness includes all aspects of the mind, including our thinking, thought processes, the mental construct, perception, psychological framework, and social wellbeing.

The influences of those around us shaped our sense of Self. The conditioning and the way we were brought up will impact the mental aspect of our health. If we experienced a positive, nurturing, and supportive environment, we are likely to foster a healthy mental state. But, if our experience was negative, hostile and unsupportive, we are likely to have an adverse mental state. This can worsen our cognitive processes and further distort our inner view of the world.

“A negative mind will never give you a positive thoughts.” – Buddha.

Furthermore, when our mental being is fragile with a negative experiential outlook, we can become sensitive to experiences with others. As our feelings are heightened, our emotions might get the better of us. Before we become aware of our mental state, we have just control of our behaviour and action. As we internalised the external problem, we often conclude that we overreacted to a situation. However, that may not be the case. But, it is possible that, in the heat of the moment, our outburst was confused with it being exaggerated or misinterpreted as dramatic. As the individual suffering from mental health picks up these unhelpful cues, it can be read as insensitive or judgmental. This seemingly minor engagement can have a detrimental effect on a person with mental sensitivity.

Mental health awareness is the ability to develop compassion for ourselves and our mental construct as well as the mental capability of another. It is also about treating ourselves and others the way we would like to be treated. It is about watching our thoughts and thinking well of ourselves and others. Having an awareness of our thought processes give us realisation. In the realisation, we become compassionate with ourselves and how our mind works things out.

Here are my helpful tips on how to be more aware of your mental health wellbeing.

  • Watch your mental construct

Watch your internal self-talk. Watch how you talk to yourself, including the use of your language. Listen to how your mind makes sense of the situation, how you read things, and how it is constructed in your mental images.

For example, if you see yourself sitting in the waiting room, tapping your feet. The underlying observation might be that your behaviours indicated nervousness or impatience, depending on what follows your thoughts. Anxiety, for instance, is a construct that follows a set of behaviour and thought pattern.

  • Observe your inner feelings

“It is easier to see the faults in others and blame others than it is to look within and see our own faults.” – Buddha.

Observe your internal feelings and emotions in response to your behaviour and initial thoughts. Thoughts give rise to our internal state, which drives our behaviour and action. If you can recognise your inner feelings in response to your thinking, you can notice that you can own your emotions. Sometimes, we blame others or the situation for how it makes us feel, but if you are truly honest with yourself, you will see that your thoughts about the situation or person trigger your emotions and feelings. Isn’t it time you take responsibilities for how you think and feel?

In the above example, observing your inner feeling might include seeing what it is about waiting that is anxiety-provoking for you. Are you feeling nervous about the meeting, which then led you to tap your feet nervously?

“Be patient, be yourself, judge nothing and everything will come to you when the time is right.” – Buddha.

  • Notice your response to a situation

Notice your response to a situation or person. Notice your behaviours and reaction to a situation or person can help bring awareness to mental processes. Your response to others or condition depends on your subjective experiences. However, your personal experiences are not the whole of you. It is only a part of you as a whole. Having an understanding of your behaviour will you help maintain control of yourselves and your behaviour. It also projects confidence to others in the way you remained in control of yourself. If you cannot control yourself or your response, how do you expect others to respond to you?

  • Check your unconscious gain

“Appreciate what is and expect nothing because life is what is it.” – Buddha.

Unconscious gain is a complex mental process that the individual has no awareness of the self-serving proceeding activities. It is often an attempt to reduce anxieties and distress within oneself. Can you be honest with yourself and admit your unconscious gain? If you can be honest with yourself, you can begin to have a relationship with yourself. Being honest with yourself means acknowledging your behaviour, feelings and action. Can you recognise that you may have overreacted in a situation because you did not like being accused of something? Can you admit that you may have lost control in an attempt to defend yourself in an argument? Realising your unconscious gain behind your behaviours will help you understand your needs.

In the above example, the unconscious gain behind tapping your feet while in the waiting room might be your way of alleviating the inner nervousness.

“It is better to conquer yourself than win other’s battle. Then the victory is reward that no one can take away from you.” – Buddha.

  • Reframe your belief system

Reframing your belief system is simply a way to think differently about your belief system. It is about changing your mindset to mindful. It is a way of challenging your thoughts, beliefs and then change them. It is adaptive and flexible thinking.

A belief system is a mindset that you have established or learned based on lived experiences. It is your mind-set-in-stone. It is a rigid belief about something or someone. In contrast, mindfulness is a conscious and flexible approach to thinking. If you can challenge your idea, you can begin to improve your thought processes, leading to mental wellness.

Per the above example, you might have negative experiences of waiting for something or someone. Your negative experience might include negative feelings such as rejection. Thus, this might have given rise to a mindset that waiting will lead to bad news or bad feelings. If this was the belief, you could ask yourself, what evidence do you have that indicated that waiting (this time round) means that you will also receive bad news? Where is it written or documented that waiting equates to rejection? Remember that just because you had that bad experiences in the past does not mean that all future outcome will be the same.

Reframing your belief can be difficult if people around you still reinforces the idea. It would help if you have the will (volition) to challenge the thought. If you are struggling with reframing, ask yourself what the benefit of having the belief is? Who is benefiting from the mindset? How is the belief serve you?

“What you believe becomes your reality because the thoughts created in your mind, the mind makes it happens.” – The Law of Belief.

  • Challenge yourself to change the way you think

Challenge yourself to change your thinking pattern and find an alternate way to look at things. There is no wrong way to challenge your thoughts. Any form of challenge is the right way, I’d say. One of the easiest ways to challenge yourself is to question yourself—questions like why, what, or how are a great way to get your mind to rethink the problem. Why did I think that waiting here today, at this appointment, means that it will be the same as the last meeting? What makes me think that this appointment will turn out like the last one? How is this meeting the same as the previous?

You are more than your mind. Therefore, you are more than the way you think and what you think. Thinking is just what you happen to do because the brain does not shut up. Thoughts will always intrude on the psyche. But, thought forms, and then they disappear. When you give focus, attention and meaning to the ideas, your thinking and other thought-forms arise to become problematic. It is at this point that having a compassionate mind is helpful. If we fight against our thoughts, we are essentially fighting against ourselves. Let’s face it, why does anyone want that internal struggle.

Like anything in life, the more you practice, the more proficient you will become. Having an awareness of ourselves helps us to know more about our wellness. Plus, learning things about ourselves should be an enjoyable experience. What’s not to like about yourself?

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose, and you can find it by giving your heart and soul to the journey of discovery.” – Buddha.

Do you find this blog helpful? If you like this post, I love to hear from you on my Twitter Page.

Bless the Stress

In Compassion, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Emotions, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Stress, Wellness

We cannot escape our daily stress as much as we want to eliminate the tension and pressure of life. In this month’s blog on stress awareness, I want to highlight the different aspects of stress, healthy vs unhealthy, stress types, including stress symptoms.

In everyday conversation, the word stress can conjure many different meanings to the speaker and the listener because of our subjective experiences. I might say that I’m stressed when I am under pressure at work or when other people put a strain on me.

A stressful situation for one person will inevitably be different. People are divergent and will have a different way to view or manage problems. From our lived experiences, these individuals can often draw upon their internal resources to cope with stress. However, it does not mean that you can’t learn to build your inner strength.

 

“Stress is a mental state; both emotional and physical arise due to tension, pressure or strain from an adverse or demanding person or situation.”

Stress is a mental state; both emotional and physical arise due to tension, pressure, or strain from an adverse or demanding person or situation. It is a drama in the psyche and manifested as a reaction, co-created into a reality. Any thoughts, conditions or circumstances can create stress in any person. I find that it is helpful first to check whether stress is healthy or unhealthy.

Healthy stress occurs in situations when your reaction is in proportion to the circumstance. For example, the day before an important job interview, you might be stressed because of additional urgent work requests from your line manager. The added pressure of the extra workload on top of nervousness for tomorrow’s interview is healthy stress when you can manage both challenges.

Unhealthy stress occurs when your reaction is out of proportion to the circumstance—sticking to the same scenario above. When stress overwhelmed the person, it becomes unhealthy. If this person becomes panicky and angry at the urgency of the request, combined with automatic negative thoughts of the must or should, and voila. The individual may make mistakes, creating unnecessary time constrain to the additional workload. The problem can quickly escalate and inundate the person’s feeling, emotions and reactions, magnifying the situation.

How we think and react can create or break the situation into a stressful or stress-free one. There are three main types of stress; acute, episodic and chronic. I shall now review the different kinds of stress in more details.

Acute stress is any situation that develops quickly but does not usually last longer than a month or so. The event is often severe due to an unexpected crisis or trauma, such as loss of a relationship, job or identity. If the symptoms persist longer, it could lead to a disorder, such as post-traumatic stress disorder. In which case, please, seek medical assistance from a qualified physician.

Episodic stress is any situation that frequently occurred, expected or unexpected. It often arises from recurring conditions that caused repeated stressful reaction. There may be a pattern to episodic stress, such as in the workplace, household, or specific person.

Chronic stress is any situation that causes prolonged emotional and psychological disturbances. In this situation, the stress may initially begin as acute stress, which became a problem over a long period of time, sometimes many years.

As you become aware of your stress level, you also need to know your stressful sources, whether internal or external. Any form of stress that lasts more than a week can become a problem if it is not processed. Processing begins internally within ourselves. We have to look within for the source of our emotional and psychological reaction to the situation. If you can start to take responsibilities for your stress and acknowledge the feelings, emotions, behaviours and reactions, you are on the road to change.

“Processing begins internally within ourselves.”

Unfortunately, we are the culprit for much of our stress as we can also put pressure on ourselves. A perfectionist may put pressure on herself to do a good job. Add a ‘must’, ‘should’ or ‘ought to’, ‘got to’ to the inner voice or belief, and you have the individual thinking, ‘I must do a good job’ or ‘I got to be good at my job’.

Sometimes knowing symptoms of any distress within yourself can be helpful, as you can check whether your reaction is in proportion or disproportion to the circumstance.

Some of the physiological symptoms of stress include:

  • Aches, pains and tense body or muscles.
  • Upset or knotted stomach, IBS, diarrhoea, constipation, sickness, nausea.
  • Low energy, tiredness, fatigue, sleeplessness.
  • Chest pain, rapid heartbeat, hotness, sweating, redness, feeling flush.
  • Headaches, earaches, dry mouth, clenched or grinding teeth, including a locked jaw.

Some of the emotional symptoms of stress include:

  • avoidance, avoiding others, avoiding confrontation.
  • Depression, low moods, or moodiness.
  • Anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, or feeling panicked.
  • Irritability, anger, frustration, anger and aggressive outbursts.
  • Loneliness, isolation, feeling like a failure, feeling useless.

Some of the cognitive symptoms of stress include:

  • Problem focusing, concentrating or thinking.
  • Poor judgement, or make an incorrect decision due to panicking.
  • Worrying, obsessing or compulsivity.
  • Constantly ruminating about the negatives.
  • Have doubts about one’s ability, knowledge and skills.
  • Unable to make a decision, unsure and uncertain about making decisions.
  • Thinking about old stresses and past events.

Some of the behavioural symptoms of stress include:

  • Nervousness, twitching, nail-biting, teeth grinding, pacing etc.
  • Being jumpy, shaky or freezes in reaction to situation, person or circumstance.
  • Prone to violence, hostility, disruptive or defiance behaviour, including sabotage.
  • Increase or decrease food consumption.
  • Increase consumption of alcohol, smoking or drug use.
  • Increase compulsivity for exercise, gambling, or other maladaptive behaviours.
  • Self-harming.

The thing to note is that you can learn to manage your stress. Everyone can learn how to cope with their emotional, physical stress. We are all capable of re-educating ourselves. Learning to discover something new out ourselves is a joy. I had found that you can make learning fun, exciting, explorative and curious. Suppose you can hold this concept when you learn about yourself in a stressful situation. In that case, you will become appreciative and compassionate about yourself and the stresses around you because you are not your stress. Here are a few pointers:

  • Know your triggers

Knowing your trigger will help you notice your stress pattern. Knowing this fact may be helpful to master your internal emotional reaction in a stressful situation. Knowing is an acknowledgement or awareness of what was previously elusive to you. It is about being conscious of what was unconscious about you.

One of my triggers used to be that I was highly anxious about travelling to someplace new without knowing where to park. The stress of finding a parking space was thought-provoking. I was worried about not finding a spot to park safely. I was maximising the problem by creating a traffic jam within my mind. I was anxious about being late as a result of not finding a safe spot for the car.

  • Know your reactions

 Know your reaction will help you notice how you were in the situation. Knowing this fact may help you see, feel, or think about your response and healthy or unhealthy. Knowing that will help you sense how you are within yourself and how you responded to the situation, including those around you. Knowing this will help you decide whether or not you might need to change and try reacting differently.

In the stressful situation above, I would create a dramatised, visualised scenes. My mind could create a drama. I imagined driving around, looking for the perfect spot for the car. I would imagine an accident or road work creating a delay in my travel. I could feel myself walking in the meeting late, being hot and bothered.

  • Know your thoughts

Knowing what you think about will help you make sense of your inner voice. Listening to what you say and how you talk to yourself in a stressful situation will help you become in control of the situation, rather than allowing the problem to control you. We are often overly critical of ourselves. We can be the harshest critique. But, if we can be compassionate and kinder to ourselves, we can be free of the thoughts and let them go easier.

In my mind, in the above situation, I was critical. I used to say that I was a drama queen! I used to say that I was attention-seeking as I ran into class late. I used to think that I was unorganised, chaotic and unable to prioritise. I used to believe that I would be ‘told off’ if I was ever late for appointments.

  • Learn to speak to yourself differently

Now, try learning to speak to yourself differently. If you used to shout at yourself internally, why not try speaking softly this time. Hopefully, you will notice that the impact is dramatically reduced. You may start to notice an alternate feeling associated with the gentle inner voice. You also may hear yourself speaking using contrasting words, kinder and loving expression. The change begins with small and enlarges, like a ripple.

I noticed my inner critique, and I named her. The inner voice was familiar. I recognised her from before. She was an archetype of someone in the long distant past. Naming her helped me to notice her, and thus I became aware of how she had created the inner stress, which manifested in situations in my external world. She had been the causes of my tensions. When I noticed that, I noted that I had choices. I chose to change her tone, and I chose to look at her different until I see her in a different light.

Having an awareness of your stress can be helpful in most situation or circumstance, but it is also a great way to learn something new about yourself.

After all, learning something new about the self is especially exciting to psychological growth and spiritual development.

“Stress begins like a ripple. It starts of small but can quickly turn into somthing larger and bigger.”

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Heal while you sleep

In Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Sleep, Wellness

Generally, it is recommended that we have at least eight hours of sleep a night. That’s a third of our 24-hours day. I don’t know about you, but I don’t always get eight hours, even if I get to bed at a reasonable time. Why do many of us have trouble sleeping? I want to address this a little closer.

“Sleep is the best medicine.” – Dalia Lama.

Sleep is essential, and there are many health benefits. There are lots of literature on this topic and many helpful articles. Some of the advantages of a good night sleep include; rested body and rested mind, improve memory, concentration and cognitive functions, lower your blood pressure, reduces heart diseases, stress, depression and increase immunity. You will also be happy to know that a restful sleep can lead to weight loss as your body continues to produce hormones ghrelin and leptin while you enjoy your slumber.

During the nocturnal hours, your body’s naturally crave sleep because your internal biological clock or the circadian rhythm is synchronised with the day/night cycle of the diurnal rhythm. The circadian rhythms determine our physical, mental and behaviour changes in the flow of the 24-hour cycle. It is essentially your internal biological body clock. Whereas the diurnal cycle is any environmental pattern that recurs every 24 hours as one full rotation, such as the day/night or the high/low tide. Thus, it can be seen as an external environmental clock.

When these two rhythms are synchronised, your mind, body and state will benefit from nature therapy. As you sleep, your body works to repair your internal organs, muscles, cells and regenerates. Melatonin is a hormone naturally produced by the pineal gland during sleep. Deep in the brain, near the epithalamus, situated above the thalamus, is the pineal gland, also known as the ‘third eye’. Melatonin also helps to control your circadian rhythm and regulates health and healing hormones. Thus, you can heal yourself during your sleep.

There are many reasons why people experience sleeping problems from mild, acute to chronic sleep disorders such as insomnia, sleep apnea, narcolepsy, restless legs syndrome or REM sleep behaviour disorder such as sleepwalking.

The inability to sleep or sleep well at night depends on your internal and external stressors, mental states, food that you have eaten and health condition. Many other factors also prevent us from sleeping, include anxieties, traumas and crises can interfere with our sleep habit as we lay down to rest. Unfortunately, this cacophony rings in our mind, and it can ruminate in the psyche as we sleep, becoming a nightmare that disrupts our natural healing process. If you take your woes to bed, when you close your eyes and managed to get a wink of sleep, it won’t be long before the problem invades your dreams. What you mentally think about will become your mental reality within the dream state.

Many of us have trouble sleeping because we take these problems to bed with us. I’ve done it. I had a bad day and could not shake off something that happened that day. As I replayed these in my mind, in bed, they became my nightmare.

Have you ever gone to bed after an argument? Or, after emotional distress such as being made redundant, how did you sleep? Restless, I wager.

How to heal yourself in your sleep? Let me share what works for me.

  • Pre-bedtime slow down

Have a goal in mind for your bedtime (sleep time). This is a time that you want to be in bed, lights out, eyes shut and breathing easily.

Make your preparation for slowing down and winding down. Begin to relax.

Have a glass or bottle of water ready for bedtime, if required.

Keep other electronics blue lights out of the bedroom, as this disrupts the sleep cycle. Turn off electronic devices.

Brush your teeth and have your comfort break. I often find that washing my face often help. If you are a night-time shower person, this works, as water is soothing and calming.

Get into your PJ if you wear clothes to bed.

  • Build a bedtime ritual that works for you

I firmly believe that rituals are helpful. Have a bedtime routine and pattern that you stick to help you build a structure around your sleeping habit. I cannot stress the importance of sticking to your routines and think positively about enjoying the mundane.

For me, I have a bedtime alarm set daily at 22.00 hour. This gives me half an hour of downtime before I get in bed at 22.30.

  • Make time for relaxation or meditation before bedtime

I give myself around 10-15 minutes for relaxation. In that time, I may mediate or listen to soothing, relaxing music to ease myself to sleep. You might find my Evening Review meditation script helpful. Some people watch TV in bed, I think it is a personal choice for everyone. Some people read to relax. The trick here is not to be engrossed in the activity.

  • Self-Hypnosis and breathing

By 23.00, lights out for me, regardless of whether my husband or I am ready. I turned off the light.

I have trained myself to sleep as soon as my head is on the pillow. I can be fast asleep almost immediately in bed. But occasionally, might not be able to get to sleep. I noticed that I had ruminated over some event during the day or upcoming. In this instance, I recite my script and begin self-hypnosis or observe my breathing. I focused on my breathing, the rise and fall of each breath, and counted backwards from 100 to 1. I have never reached number one because I was always asleep way before this.

Then, you simply allow the body to do the rest. The more you relax when you are in bed, the more your body heal. God bless, sleep tight.

However, I am aware that some people have adverse experiences due to historical trauma and wounding. If this is your case, I would recommend seeking further help through counselling, as these bedbugs will continue to disrupt your sleep.

“Sleep is the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together..” – Thomas Dekker.

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