Category: Inspiration Page 1 of 2

How to break free from the drama triangle

In Coping Strategies, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self-Development

I was moved by the Channel 4 documentary on Hunting the Football Trolls featuring Jermaine Jenas. He had bravely spoken openly about his emotions and feelings on being targeted for racial slurs and hateful messages on social media. I applaud his bravery for speaking out. It brought it home to me how people could dehumanise others so easily, especially those that they do not know personally. It made me wonder how someone could objectify others without conscience.

 I understand racism, prejudices and discrimination because I had endured the pain and hurt myself, as a child growing up in the UK. I had never known it before, in Thailand where I was born. However, I had grown up thinking that as a minority, it must have been something that we (as the minorities) had to put up with. Not many people speak out about it thirty years ago. Not that I recalled. It was not okay then, and it is still not okay now. I am thankful that more and more people are spoken up about it.

In this blog, I want to share my intrapsychic processes in dealing with any persons who objectify others. If you have been a subject of hate on social media or in person, you might find these processes helpful too. If you are experiencing racial attacks in your daily life, again, it might help to learn that you, too, can overcome their racial prejudices.

 In my experience, I found that individuals who personally attack others at their core being have a deficiently low sense of self-worth within themselves. They do not want others to know this and will put up a front by attacking others. After all, no one is going to be looking or noticing them. I had come to realise that the bullies were often bullied by others, and they were simply repeating learned helplessness behaviours by bullying, discriminating, racially attacking you. They had learned that they didn’t have a choice and was helpless to accept the situation. At their core being, they may feel insecure and hurting. They mimic the unacceptable behaviours believing that it must be powerful to do the bullying to others.

Just a caution, the hypotheses below offers a psychological perspective of an inner working on one’s mind, both as a sufferer and as the perpetrator. It is not an excuse for any individuals and especially those that cause harm to others. It is a subjective supposition based on my experiences as a sufferer and from learned experiences with perpetrators. The purpose of highlighting their perspectives is to understand the underlying behaviours and the roles they inadvertently played in the “drama triangle”. The drama created in an insecure person is inadvertently played out in reality as they co-create the inner world, in the real world.

 Introducing drama triangle?

The drama triangle is a psychological model that was first described by Stephen Karpman in 1961, who was a student of Eric Berne, the founding father of Transactional Analysis developed in the 1950s. Karpman explained the insidious nature of the psyche in which we all, unconsciously, play a part in the game of life. He went on to explain how we can fall victim to the roles in our life script. He also described how we could all get caught in the destructive cycle and struggle to break free from its toxic enmeshment. It did not begin with ourselves, but you can end the maintaining cycle. You do have a choice!

The purpose of discussing this theorem is not about blame but rather to highlight that we are all subjected to learned helplessness in its dysfunctional social interactions, which has increasingly become a problem in modern societies, especially on online social media platforms.

As mentioned at the beginning of this article, it begins with online abuse, trolling, hateful and abusive messages (directly or indirectly). It begins in the dysfunctional household in which warmth, love, and compassion are missing. It starts as self-defecation, self-loathing and self-hatred, and then it spreads outwards out of our pores infecting and targeting others. It was negatively reinforced into our being from adverse parental experiences of our parents. They may have been unconsciously ‘acting out’ what was normal within their household. And until we have an awareness of our misbehaving, we remain oblivious of our behaviours towards others. Let’s take a closer look at each of the roles in the drama that we participated in and helped co-created.

“We have a choice about the roles that we play in the game of life. Which part will you choose to play in your next role?”

As the victim (the suffers)

Generally, no one willingly, readily or consciously chooses to be a victim. It is something that is forced or happens to us. The sufferer often feels trapped, helpless and hopeless to do something about the situation. Especially when the abuse is online, social media sites are not proactive in dealing with the abuse. And especially, after you reported the abuse you may not see any real changes.

 Being victimised predominantly begin in childhood. As a child, you may feel trapped when you are told off, reprimanded or abused by someone older/bigger and more powerful, usually a parent or an older sibling. As you internalised, you inadvertently assumed being powerless because you are smaller and have no power. You question your sense of worth and wonder why it happened to you. If you had no choice and could not venture out on your own, and you had to stay in a dysfunctional environment, it leaves you vulnerable to defend yourself against future attacks. You become learned helpless in situations and seek out other destructive engagements because it was familiar. This internalisation happens unconsciously to you.  You had unwittingly become a victim because of your negative childhood experiences, negative reinforcement, abuse and cruelty.

Being a victim DID NOT begin with you.

As the perpetrator (the abuser)

Individuals who were brought up in an abusive, oppressive, hostile, and critical environment may have inadvertently fallen into being a victim initially. They had helplessly learned what was normal in the abnormal and dysfunctional family system. They learned from their caregivers and mirrored their role as an abuser and persecutor. They learned to punish others by abusing them, to hurt others just as they were hurt.

 These individuals blame their victims for their own weaknesses. As a child, we could not and do not blame our parents for their misbehaving and misguided parenting. The child magically believed that their parents are Gods, according to John Bradshaw On the Family. The concept of magically thinking describes how a child idealises their parents within the family system. The child would not and could blame themselves as their cognitive functions are still developing. And if the child does not learn to take responsibility for their actions, they will grow up and continue to blame others for their flaws. Individuals with toxic and negative nurturing experience externalised behaviours such as physical aggression, verbal abuse, relational aggression, hate and acting out any forms of hostility and violence, physically, mentally, psychologically or verbally.

The majority of a bully or an abuser has been the subject of abuse themselves, which may be why they bully or abuse others to make themself feel superior, and to feel powerful. This is not an excuse because some people who were bullies had not resorted to becoming one themselves.

As the Rescuer (the helper) 

Individuals who identify themselves as a rescuer will attempt to help the sufferers and intervene to save them from the bullies or the abusers. They suffer enormously from guilt if they do not interfere. They have a positive intention to help the person, but they could not see the consequence of their behaviours and may often worsen the situation. This individual has a strong desire to protect others, but it can keep the victim arrested in their development as they become dependent on the person to fight their battle.

 The Rescuer has a propensity to focus on helping and failing to see their unconscious gains. These unconscious gains include being good because one is needed or wanted, feeling important, feeling God-like, and feeling helpful or valuable, all of which satisfy the egoic mind.

I had been bullied, verbally and mentally. I was bullied in the first two years of secondary school, and I found a way to stand up to the bullies. I was bullied because I was Thai and looked essentially different to the majority of white children in the class. I was a minority and could not speak English. It seemed like I was the easy target! As the only oriental at school, I was objectified and depersonalised.

It has not been on my conscience to pay it forward at any stage because I believed in karma. I remember thinking that it would not be fair to treat others in the same way because I didn’t like it. Thus, it is not always the case that those who were bullied become a bully.

I had been a victim; however, I never felt sorry for myself or thought why me. I thought, what’s wrong with you, rather than what’s wrong with me? What happened to you to be so mean? How did you come to be full of rage and hate? In cases of individuals who target others for their appearances, specifically online, they think it is safe to hide behind their masks and the internet. These individuals dehumanise, criticise and devalue someone often because they projected something they disliked within themselves onto others. It is far easier to mock them than it is to knock ourselves.

I had never been a perpetrator. It did not sit well with me morally, and I had never consciously wished harm onto another. If I was with someone that bullies others, I removed myself from the toxic person. If I don’t like something to be done unto me, I would not want it done onto thee. I considered the hurt and pain of the catcalls, and I cannot put anyone through any form of (verbal or physical) abuse. I do not want bad karma or the negative consequences of the law of attraction.

I am a rescuer. I want to help others and it was unsurprising that I am a counsellor/therapist. However, I had been compromised and thought that my good intentions were helpful and useful to others. It is true that there is a sense of satisfaction in helping and being in service of others. But, it can be a hinder to their development and growth if you take away the learning experiences for the individual.

“We learn by making mistakes. We learn from our pain and suffering. In light of those experiences, we grow and thrive as a unique spiritual being.”

How to break out of the drama triangle?

Here are some helpful tips on how to break free from the drama triangle. It is never too late to choose another role. You just need to remember that you DO have a choice. So, choose wisely. 

Recognise your position in the drama triangle

Recognising whereabout you are on the drama triangle will help you to be aware of your role when you are relating to others. When you recognise your part, you can decide if playing in the triangle is helpful to you. We are all participants in the game of life, and how we play depends on our chosen role. We can challenge any position in life if they are no longer helpful. Once you realise that you have a choice, you can work toward breaking free from the confinement of the outdated role and step out of the drama triangle into a life worth living.

 Be mindful and ask first, challenge later

When you are mindful of others, you are less likely to jump to any form of illusion about what was said or who said what. On social media, we can easily misread, misunderstand and mis-take things the wrong way. In a mindful state, you will be prone to ask questions to find what more about what or why it was said. You would consider whether you understood the content or that the other person miscommunicated. Say: When you said that, what did you mean? Why did you say that?… I was hurt, upset, etc. What you said was untrue, insensitive, rude, hurtful etc.; why did you make those personal remarks? If you can be bothered to respond to the attackers. It is also safer and kinder to yourself to report, blocking them from seeing their contents entirely.

 Be curious

Curiosity is one of the core traits of our inner child. Curiosity gives us a sense of inquisitiveness to explore further what someone meant. Communication is a two-way process, and misunderstanding can happen when we relate to each other, especially in writing. Curiosity requires an investigation and encourages further dialogue. If you are being bullied, ask the bullier why they are bullying you? Say: When you said that, it upsets me, hurt me; etc. When you spoke to me that way or write those things about me, I felt humiliated, shame, or that I felt bullied, etc.

 Stand firm and stand tall

When you stand up for yourself against a bully, they may retaliate in response to your behavioural change. Your behaviour has consequences on others, just as you are influenced by another. However, standing firm and standing tall against any form of bullies or injustice is about facing up to and confronting the other. It is not an easy thing to do especially if it is unfamiliar to you. But, standing up for yourself may also be demonstrated in your body language, without words. Often when most of us face someone with bullish behaviour, we politely walk away. But, this might be an opportunity to stand your ground and test out your stance. It might be a look that says, you cannot treat me that way. It might be your long gaze at the person as they misbehaved. You can also consciously broadcast messages that say something like, you will not stand to be bullied, abused, violated, dehumanised, devalued etc. These are unspoken thoughts and convictions of your inner voice, speaking loudly in your psyche, directly project to the person as you continue to look at the individual. Standing firm online might include reporting it to the social media platform and the police. Standing firm might also include responding to the bullies and shaming them online and making them a focus rather than you.

 Rewind! And Be kind

Kindness acts is a gesture of love for others. It shows that you are mindful and considerate of others, but not over your own needs. Kindness is powerful in relationship building and helps diffuse even the hardened mind. Kindness act is a balance of being considered and being equally important. A kind word can help lift someone’s day. Imagine how a kind act can help the person.

Making a change is never easy but it is not impossible. You can unlearn the way you used to do things, and relearn to do it differently. It may be unfamiliar to you but like anything worth doing, it will be rewarding.

As a final note, I just want to add that it is never okay to mistreat any other living beings. It is never acceptable to devalue, objectify, (verbally, mentally or physically) abuse or dehumanise anyone. After all, how would you like it if it happened to you?

It did not start with you, but it can end with you; you can change your beliefs, your mindset and your behaviours about something or someone. You can be the person who breaks the mould. Break the archaic societal rules embedded in the collective unconsciousness of rage or hate. Breakfree and break away from the racial, discriminatory and prejudiced trance.

 

Mindfulness Motivation for Confidence

In Confidence Building, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Mindfulness, Motivation, Self-Development, Wellness

Mindfulness is a conscious awareness of doing something, being in the moment with your internal states, including your thoughts, feelings, emotions, bodily sensations, and outer environment. In this post, I wanted to discuss how this technique can be applied to motivate activities that can help improve your confidence.

Mindfulness is ubiquitous in mental health and wellness. Over the past twenty years, I have noticed that this concept recently on the rise is welcoming. Many mind-identified individuals embrace it. But, it can be so much more if we find a creative way to use this principle.

“Mindfulness versus Mindlessness – which would you rather be?”

Mindfulness concerns the mental activity and mental state with thoughtfulness rather than mindlessness. It is an internal and external observation of one’s state without judgment, attention or focus. It is about noticing whatever it is in the moment and letting it go.

The purpose of mindfulness is to stay neutral to your experiences with the intention of staying with yourself. The idea is to be alert with a focused relaxation. Thoughts and abreactions in the body will arise. You may notice them and observe them without judgement. They will find that they will soon dissipate and disappear.

Mindfulness helps to improve the processing in the psyche. It helps balance any chemical imbalances in the brain and realign cognitive distortion. It helps bring awareness to thoughts and thinking patterns. It makes conscious your proclivity to analyse, criticise or ruminate in the mind. When you are wide awake to the way you think, and what you tend to think about, you will have the capacity to notice your thinking tendencies, which will, in turn, improve self-awareness and self-consciousness in the realisation. The realisation comes with a sense of achievement and wonders, followed by positive mental and physical feelings.

 In the state of mindfulness, your mental and physical state changes any chemical imbalances in the brain. It makes it rewarding and satisfying. This helps you see your inner resilience and inner strength as you successfully become mindful. You could instantly feel an improvement in your entire being. Eventually, you can feel confident in your achievement of being mindful. Before you know it, you are already motivated to keep practising mindfulness.

Mentally, you will soon notice an improvement in your problem-solving ability and reasoning skills. Improving the mind will help reduce psychic tension, such as anxieties, depression, conflicts and afflictions.

Physically, you will soon notice an improvement in your physiological responses to situations, such as lowering heart rate, lowering blood pressure, and improved sleep. The body will benefit from conditions such as gastrointestinal discomfort, chronic pain, illnesses and dis-ease.

Emotionally, you will soon notice a shift in your feelings and emotions. If you were previously pessimistic, a “glass half empty person”, you might notice that you are becoming optimistic, a “glass half full person” now. You might now recognise how you feel about a distressful situation and find a way to resolve it with ease. As you feel comfortable, you will begin to notice your confidence and esteem rising.

“Mindfulness versus Mindlessness? I know which one I would choose.”

There are many creative ways to incorporate mindfulness into our daily lives. You probably already know how to include mindfulness into your daily ritual. I hope you can feel the difference in this way of being when you make mindfulness a part of your life. And that this positive feeling acts as a motivation for you to keep using the technique. Mindfulness is often used with meditation, relaxation, visualisation, hypnotherapy, and more. However, there are different ways you can apply mindfulness to deepen your self-development.

 Mindful meditation requires you to sit in a meditative lotus posture, preferrable where you can be close to the ground for grounding and support. The combination of mindfulness and meditation is a marriage made in heaven. It is the most effective approach to a mindful state. You might want to explore using mantra words or statements to repeat silently during the meditation.

Mantra words or statements for motivation might be; you are a master of your mind and body, you are confident, you can achieve greatness, you can achieve relaxation easily. Perhaps you can think of your own mantra.

Affirmations for motivation in your meditation might include statements such as, I am confident, I am calm, I am relaxed in stressful situations, I am motivated, I am committed to self-care and self-love. Perhaps you can think of more affirmations that suit you better.

Body awareness mindfulness acknowledges the body’s physical state. You might notice the body sensation or discomfort in the meditative state, such as coughing, itching, tingling, and warmth. Whatever the sensation, observe it without judgement or critique. The purpose of this approach is to scan the body so that you can develop an awareness of your body. This is especially effective if you are disidentified or dissociated from the body.

Sensory awareness meditation acknowledges sensations such as tastes, smells, sounds and touches on the skin or body. The purpose of this approach is to observe your senses, including your sixth sense. You can become attuned to your senses through this practice. It helps to develop an awareness of your senses. Everyone has a strong preference for their sensory modality. You might be essentially a visual person. However, to be more self-aware, you need to be aware of all your senses.

 Emotional awareness meditation concerns your feelings emotions. This approach of mindfulness meditation considers being with your feelings and emotions. However, you might already know that it is difficult to practice mindfulness meditation when an emotion grips you. But, this is the best time to use this technique. In a meditative and relaxed state, you can observe your feelings, name them, locate it in the body and bear with them much easier than in the heightened state. In a heightened state, you are reactive to the experience in the situation. In a relaxed state, you are non-reactive but responsive and aware of the emotions. If helpful, you can go into the meditation and recall an event where strong emotions arise. Practice being with your feelings and emotions. Observe them without judging or giving them narratives or meanings. Accepting them as being a part of you and having compassion for the way they had influenced your responses.

Behavioural awareness meditation involves being in a meditative state with the intention of observing your behaviour in situations. The aim here is to recognise your behaviours, behave, and react in a situation. You might not like a specific behaviour such as excessive alcohol, drug use, gambling, or eating. This approach works well with unwanted behaviours; such as compulsivity, impulsivity, habitual, addiction, as well as maladaptive or destructive behaviours such as self-harming acts. This mindful technique needs a lot of will or volition. A word of warning, a strong sense of self and ego strength is required to try this method.

Basic mindfulness requires you to sit someplace quiet and be physically still. The purpose of this technique is about being with yourself in your inner world. It is essential to be silent, without external sounds (music, TV, radio etc.). You might not be able to avoid the outside sounds. You might experience abreaction such as a cough, an ache, a cramp and others. Bear with it if you want to experience the positivity of a mindful effect.

Simple mindfulness can be applied to other aspects of your life, such as walking or light exercises like yoga. I use mindfulness regularly for all sorts of reasons. I use mindfulness when I am drawing or painting and running or swimming. I am sure you can also think of your own way to incorporate mindfulness with activities in your life—any activities except driving or anything involving risk to your health and wellness.

To summarise, mindfulness breathing is fantastic for personal development and general wellbeing. It is something that can be done effortlessly. After all, you are breathing right now as you are reading this!

If you are struggling and need support, maybe you will give me a call?

Make your Blue Monday Resolution for a Change

In Inspiration, Motivation, Self-care, Self-Development

It is widely known that the third Monday in January has been dubbed the ‘Blue Monday’. The reason for this was possibly due to having over-indulged ourselves from Christmas and New Year’s, after which, we are then in a period of some remorse, regrets or guilt about our intemperance and indulgence. Thus, that is why the majority have a New Year resolution.

Every New Year brings a sense of renewal which elicit change. I want to share some of my New Year’s resolutions to give you some ideas for yours.

 

  • Start an exercise regime that you love. If you decide to take up exercise for New Year resolution, make sure it is for the right reason and that you are passionate about it. If you take up exercise to lose weight, for example, your resolution will be short-lived because it is a chore. If you start exercise such as Yoga, Tai Chi, or Pilates because you are passionate about your flexibility, wellness and healthy body balance then your goal will be long-lived. If you love the exercise that you started, your resolution will be long-lived.

“I reconnected to kickboxing which was a part of my Muay Thai roots, and I’m so happy that I’m still doing it a year later!”

  • Practice mindful acts. When you apply mindfulness to your behaviours, feelings, thoughts and actions, you will become more self-aware. Mindfulness is about making conscious of what you’re doing, thinking and feeling. It is about recognising and making your autonomous processes conscious. In the awareness, you will come to know yourself more intimately, which is a beautiful feeling.
  • Have a compassionate mind. To have compassion and concern for your mind, you need to be mindful of your thoughts. As you are mindful of your thinking style, pattern and cognition, you will have concern and compassion for the way you think. We all have a different way to process things around us. To know how you think, you need to observe what think and see the pattern of the thoughts.

 For example, when someone asked me to do something, I had previously thought it was a form of command because my experiences with authority have been negative.

Having a compassionate mind means having the ability to observe when the thought arises, and notice whether it was based on past experiences or the present situation. Then, you can notice your reaction and have compassion for the part that fear authority or authoritative figure.

  • Be grateful every day. If your New Year’s resolution is to be grateful. You will need to be appreciative of yourself and have compassion for mistakes that you make in the process of re-learning a new behaviour. Being grateful is having a deep sense of gratitude and thankfulness for something or someone, that include yourself too. Expressing gratefulness to yourself is a part of Self-care and Self-love. An expression of gratefulness to yourself might include feeling a heart-warming, deep sense of gratitude and love. It is a thankful experience of kindness that comes with warmth, and unconditional acceptance. Gratefulness is a constant state of being, it is achievable through having a compassionate mind.

“An example of being grateful, for me, include feeling appreciative of my abilities and limitations..”

  • Be thankful every day. Make being thankful every day a part of your New Year’s resolution. Even if it is difficult, being thankful gives us a positive feeling. Being thankful is an act of gratification for oneself and others. It is a relief of an appreciation expressed verbally, non-verbally or behaviourally. Being thankful for me include being appreciative of the universe for its guidance and protection.

“I am thankful to the universe for providing me with all my basic needs and psychological needs for growth, for Self-fulfilment and satisfaction.”

  • Make time to be with yourself in your inner world for peace of mind. It is a great place to be. Your inner world should be your sacred sanctuary. Being in your mind does not have to be unpleasant or stressful. Being in your inner world through meditation will help you connect with all aspects of your beingness. If you struggle to be within your inner world, this New Year’s resolution is ideal for you.

 In order to be connected to your inner world and find your inner sacred sanctuary, you got to want to know more about yourself.

You will need to be interested and curious about finding a way to have inner peace.

But, most importantly, you got to face the fears, chaos and shadows in the dark recesses of the mind to see the radiant light beyond it.

  •  Be positive and optimistic. Having positivity and optimism is achievable for everyone. It is about being conscious of your thoughts and reframing the negativity with positive statements. If you are automatically negative in your thinking style, you will need to be mindful and consciously changes your thoughts immediately. Our thoughts and behaviours are habitual through conditioning and experiences relating to others. When you catch your negative thoughts, challenge them and counteract them immediately with positive thoughts.

“I regularly catch my negative criticism when I trip up on something.”

Then, I would remind myself that I am fallible and will make mistakes. I can learn from this. I would reassure myself o my abilities to learn and grow. I would encourage myself not to be fearful of the experience or event because next time, I would and can do things differently. I would praise myself for the kind words and then the feeling of love and appreciation comes with the positive inner dialogues.

  • Be kind and loving. To be kind and loving to another, you must first have kindness and love for yourself. If you find yourself being kind to everyone, without having loving feelings for yourself, you will become a victim of the persecutors or the predators.

 These acts of loving-kindness to others are false and unobtainable. It implies that you are kind and loving for sure, but you act and behave kindly and lovingly to others for the reciprocal acts. You cannot make anyone love you. But, we all do and try, and mostly in vain. This is because we have not learned to be kind and love ourselves first. It can take a long time to have Self-love, but we can begin with having kindness for ourselves.

“I say kind words to myself when I want to create positive feelings. I remind myself that I am loved, by my-Self. 

Acts of kindness for myself include looking after my physical and mental states, ensuring that I am nourished and replenished, ensuring that I have fun and play. I make time for joy and happiness. I appreciate the beauty around me, where ever I am.

  • Learn something new about yourself every day. If you are on a soul searching or Self-discovery journey, this New Year’s resolution might be relevant to you. You will never stop learning until the day you die. We all learn new things every day of our existence.

 Learning something new about yourself should be something that you like and find interesting. If you don’t like what you’re learning about yourself, then, you are not yet ready for this wondrous journey because you will learn some things that you might not like.

Self-discovery is about finding out and learning everything about yourself. The more you know about yourself, the more Self-aware you will become. Today, I learned that I love my jobs, I like the varieties in my dual roles. They are opposing roles but has their own rewards. I am neither/or but both/and. For tomorrow, I am certain that I will learn something else new.

  • Do some thing differently. This New Year’s resolution was a real challenge for me. This is about doing something different in the mundane of life, but it does not have to be a chore or a grind. Generally, we, humans are a creature of habit. Who does not like to have a routine, a schedule or plan or a diary filled with events?  To do something differently is about stepping out of our comfort zone, stepping into the unfamiliar. This resolution focuses on changing and change of unhelpful habit patterns. Your habit patterns are not a problem until they are no longer helpful or useful. Our habits serve a purpose to our autonomous processes.  If they are still helpful, then there is no issue.

 However, if you want growth and development, you do need to be flexible in your approach and processes. Being flexible and adaptable is a positive approach to dealing with the daily challenges of existence.

If you are rigid and inflexible to change, you can become easily stressed, quick to anger or easily anxious about something or someone. Doing things differently does not have to be something big to start off with. I started with small changes such as taking stairs instead of lifts or starting to eat more vegetables and eventually to bigger changes such as changing the way I think or judge others in passing.

  •  Make time to do nothing. This was my favourite New Year’s resolution. I had a real challenge with doing nothing. I am an active person, and I am mostly fidgety which is a habit of restless legs syndrome.

“As a child, doing nothing equates to laziness. I was discouraged from sitting still or being relaxed.”

I was often criticised for not doing something. Doing nothing was unfamiliar to me, especially in the state of relaxation. I noticed that I wanted to do something to help me relax. This mindset took some time to break down because of years of unhelpful conditioning.

I don’t yet know what this year’s New Year’s resolution will be for me, but I know that it will be something that I look forward to challenging myself. I see these resolutions as a goal to attain in the year, but it should also be something that you regularly keep in place year on year.

Have fun creating your New Year’s resolution!

How to maintain a healthy work-life balance

In Inspiration, Motivation, Self-care, Self-Development, Wellness

Maintaining a healthy work-life balance can help reduce stress, give us a sense of stability, steadiness and improved wellness. Having a balance of everything is essential for equilibrium, like the Yin and Yang. When our attention and focus is drawn to one thing over then another, it creates inequality and imbalances in our lives. Here’s how to maintain a healthy equilibrium, especially as many of us are moving toward working from home as our new norm.

  • Prioritise your time – set your working time and be disciplined to adhere to the working hours. If you have a 9-5 worker, be sure to stick to your schedule. Once, outside this time, you have to ensure that you do not go back to deal with any work issues. Outside your work time, be sure to have fun doing anything that brings you joy and laughter.

  • Notice where your attention goes, your energy follows – check your inner world. You might not be working outside your working hours, but you might find it difficult to ‘shut off’. If your attention is still in work, then you will energetically have an emotional response to this.
  • Setting your boundaries – create a separateness between your workspace and the home life. If you don’t have a home office, you might be working on the dining table. When you finish your workday, pack away your office equipment and have clear and separate boundaries between the two activities. You need to have personal and relaxing time outside the work hours.

  • Have some flexibility with your time boundary – even though you set yourself a working timetable, maintain a flexible approach to your working pattern. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you have to respond to some urgent personal issues. If you need to work later one day, don’t beat yourself up.
  • Be mindful of your schedule – the mindfulness act helps bring awareness to consciousness. It gives us a realisation of our habitual behaviour patterns.
  • Keep a healthy mental perception – positive thinking helps improve our wellbeing. A healthy mental perception might include a positive outlook, helpful inner dialogue and having self-compassion when your workload tipped unfavourably.

  • Find your rhythm – find your balance and explore what works and what doesn’t. You might decide to attend an exercise class one day during the week, but it means finishing half an hour earlier that day. Find another day that you can sacrifice working half an hour later. Keep the momentum going. When you find that happy balance, keep going and do more of it.
  • Take regular breaks, take some time off – be sure to take regular breaks and lunch in your working day. We forget to take time out during the working hours when we’re at home. We may become self-conscious of our productivity. We may be fearful when working from home. Don’t feel guilty about breaks or rest. Don’t feel bad if you need to pop down to the shop to get lunch. Do take some time off even though you work from home. You do need the time away from the pressure of work.

“The secret to wellness is having a healthy balance in your life.”

 

Make kindness a part of your daily ritual

In Inspiration, Motivation, Spirituality

November, 13th is World Kindness day. It is the one day of the year where individuals or groups consciously decide to go out of their way to be kind to another or perform acts of kindness. It might be an act of kindness at home, work, school or any public place. The show of pledges involves doing at least one selfless good deed to another person(s).

“A World without kindness is a world without love.”

Word Kindness day is an excellent start to becoming a part of our community. However, I’d say why stop there? Why not make kindness a part of your daily ritual?

 The acts of kindness benefit us all, and it makes the world a better place to live in. When we perform an act of kindness for another, we should not expect anything in return. I am referring to doing kind acts for someone without expecting reciprocal service or returning a favour. The truest act of kindness comes without any conditions. It is simply an act of kindness that benefits another person without any underlying need for payback.

However, the psychological consequence of an act of kindness does have an unwitting benefit to the individual carrying out the kindness. It can help boost our moods, increase feelings of confidence, increase the level of satisfaction or happiness in being a part of something or the world, and helping, generally, bring us joy. Moreover, the Law of Attraction governs that positive acts of service bring the same positive result back into our lives. Additionally, your good deeds may also encourage the individual to pay it forward and carry out the kindness act to another person and so forth.

There is also the science behind the act of kindness. Willing acts of kindness produces oxytocin which is the chemical that lowers our blood pressure, reduces anxieties, reduces our levels of stress and increases our moods and happiness, which benefits our mental health. But, it is so much more. Being kind and doing kind acts for another person help remind us that we are more than ourselves and that we are part of the community and the world. It gives a sense of belonging and being a valued contributor to the community and the world. Thus, it is an attribute to our inner purpose, meaning and values.

With all these positive reasons, what’s stopping you from starting your kindness acts today? But, if you want some ideas, here are some helpful kindness acts to help you get started.

Start with the little thing

The little things matter a lot. The little thing includes giving way, allowing another to pass on pavements or on the road, letting someone in front of you in a queue, offer your seats to strangers, etc. Lend a hand, help someone with a heavy shopping bag, offer to do something for someone random. Give someone your time, attention and focus. Pray for another, send them positive intentions, love and light.

Acts of kindness

 Behaving and acting kindly come in many varieties. Behaving kindly includes giving way to someone coming the opposite way on a path, giving up your seat on trains or buses, offering someone you know a lift home. Showing helpfulness in teamwork, adapting a helpful mental attitude to a work colleague, illustrating helpful aptitude in community work are also helpful behavioural traits.

Act of kindness includes purposeful and conscious actions. You would go out of your way to be kind to another. You might stop to help someone cross the road. You might travel to help a friend in need. You might reach out to a work colleague going through a difficult time etc.

Positive Intentions in action

Kindness comes with positive intentions. Positive intention is a planned intent that has a positive introspection. It is a conscious mental construct to be or do something kind to another. The most explicit intention of kindness is to help or be helpful to another. If you are kind to someone without having a positive intention, you might be prone to resentment, jealousy or envy. Check your intention. Are you acting kind because you genuinely want to help or because you felt that you had to, got to, must or should?

Be creative in helping and acting kind

 Helping and kindness come with rewards and self-improving moods. We can be creative in being kind without the other person knowing it. A kind act includes doing charity works or donations. In this way, we are acting kind, and we are not directly known. A kind act also includes cleaning up and clearing hazards. Picking a nail and keeping other road users safe is a kind act. Joining your local Wombles is an act of kindness in keeping your community clear and clean. Help elderly neighbours by doing their shopping, dropping off their groceries, or cooking them a meal. Help fellow mums at school and take their children to/from school, or offer to babysit. Offer your time and services in doing charity works is a kind act. Perhaps you can think of other creative ways to be kind.

Spread the love and kindness

 Acts of kindness include sending kind messages to a significant person or someone needing love and appreciation. This person might be a work colleague, a friend or a family member. Writing them handwritten note shows that the kind words and considerations had been carefully thought about with affection. Call a friend or family and tell them that you care and have no other agenda than to say that. Spreading love is a kindness of the heart.

Now that you have some idea of different acts of kindness, what are you waiting for? A kindness act begins with you, and the person pays it forward.

“Spreading kindness is like spreading the love.”

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Appreciate the littlest thing, makes the heart sing

In Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Spirituality, Wellness

It can be difficult to find motivation and inspiration at times. I have days when I lack the will to do. When feeling unmotivated and uninspired, we lack interest and enthusiasm in things, people and life. It can dampen our moods without a reason or motive. It comes with an unwillingness to do anything, accompanied by thoughts such as, “Don’t want to do anything”, or, “Don’t feel like doing anything”, or, “Cannot be bothered”.

Psychologically, what we think affects how we feel and act. What we feel affects our thoughts and what we do. What we do affect how we think and what we feel. We can easily be identified with our thoughts, our feelings and our behaviours. But, in reality, we are simultaneously influenced by all three elements, the body, feelings, and mind.

When one lacking motivation and loses interest, it may be because your aspirations and goals are lacking, too vague, too open or unachievable. When in this state, it can be a precursor to pessimism, leading to negative outlooks on life, people, and things. Negative views can eventually spiral into other issues and psychological disorders. Eventually, psychological conditions can lead to physical manifestation within the body somatically. It can be hard to believe for some people who cannot comprehend how something intangible can become symptomatic. Regardless of whether you believe it or not, your mental and psychological disorders are problematic and unhealthy which can lead to physical health problems.

To maintain a healthy lifestyle, we need to take care of the body, feelings and mind in a holistic concept. An inclusive perspective means leading a healthy and balanced lifestyle. We can begin instantly by appreciating the littlest things that bring us joy and happiness. When we can appreciate the simple things in the mundane, our hearts will sing.

When the heart sings, there is an immense joyous feeling. This feeling brings us closer to spirituality and enlightenment. It is a peaceful experience that comes with inner calmness and connectivity with something more than ourselves. The feelings are akin to moments of bliss and euphoria but without any interference or interventions of any substances.

Here are some helpful tips on how appreciating the little things can instantly lift your moods.

Find the little thing to appreciate is not something that can be rushed or obsessed over. It is not something that leads to compulsion. Stop what you are doing and let it go when you feel you are negatively reacting to the process.

  • Begin with the simple thing.

Begin with the simplest thing. This can simply be appreciating what you have or who you are with. Appreciate what we have is literally that. Start with things that are closest to you. For example, I appreciate the clothes on my back. Appreciate the clothes in my cupboard and the fact that I was able to afford the beautiful things that I have. In the process, you will need to be grounded and embodied in appreciative and thankful thoughts. It is an inner recognition that you want to elicit. Although you are using the external things or stimuli to stimulate.

It is a balance of appreciation and at the same time, know that you are not too attached or unhealthy attached to the items.

Deep appreciation is an inner thankful feeling in which you value its qualities and respect. In this example, you may value your clothes, but the symbolic nature of the process is what you want to tap into. You might appreciate your house and having a roof over your head. You might appreciate your job and be thankful to have employment. You might appreciate the food you are eating, your health, your abilities to learn and grow etc.

Have ago and think about what else you appreciate.

  • Begin with acts of kindness to the people closest to you

 The people closest to you mean individuals nearest to you, as this may not be your immediate family. The people we choose to have around us impact our being. You might have lots of family members but may not live close to them. You might live closer to friends and work colleagues. The people around us influence our lives. Begin by appreciating those around you, that includes your neighbours and the community in which you live. After all, a part of you knows why you have chosen to live where you are. Start appreciating those people that are closest to you.

For example, I am not necessarily a friend to the neighbours, but there is a silent appreciation. I am amiable and pleasant to have them as neighbours. I treat them as I would like to be treated. I am warm and friendly, even if I may not experience them the same way. Even if I experienced them with some hostility and challenges, I remained amiable and pleasant.

The Law of Attractions dictates that what we give out will be returned to us. If we display amiable, warm and friendly behaviours, these qualities will be payback. Act of kindness is easier than you think, and it should not be an effort or a chore. If you struggle with this, check your thoughts in the psyche, observe feelings in your heart, and notice what you believe. You may be unconsciously broadcasting negative messages, and the Law of Attraction will manifest what you hold true.

  • Appreciate nature

 Appreciate the outdoor and nature. Enjoy the freshness and colourful nature of the natural world and be one with nature. Nature therapy is healing and beneficial to our health and wellbeing. When I say being in nature, I mean in the woods, the field, the mountain, a lake or river etc. Nature consists of plants, animals, landscape and all the features that makeup from products of the Earth where life exists.

There are many positive benefits to the outdoor and nature. It gives us the opportunity to connect with our environment and realise that we are supported and provided for. Nature support life, and we are a part of something more than ourselves.

In the awareness of being more than ourselves, we will come to have admiration for the beauty of our world. We can develop respect and cherish the cycle of life in nature and in ourselves. As you cherish the beauty of the outer world, you will begin to feel love for yourself.

But, you will need to really be grounded and be embodied as you experience your environment. You will need to immerse yourself in your surroundings. Take in the beauty of your nearby places and find what is wonderful. It might be the soft, mushy ground that you’re walking on. It might be the feel of the grass beneath your hands or feet. It might be the rough contour of the tree which you are leaning against, etc.

  • Smile and be joyful

 Fake it until you make it. It might seem like an effort and difficult to foster a smile. But, it is effortless. Curl your lips together and grin. Turn that frown upside down! Smiling and positioning our mouth into the smile helps to improve our moods as the body is ‘tricked’ into releasing cortisol and endorphins. We all know all the many benefits of these two magical chemicals in the body. But, did you know that it is also catching?

Fake it until you make it.

Smiling is fantastic and wonderful. It is healthy for the body and mind in reducing our anxieties and stress. It helps lower the heart rate, blood pressure and boost your immunity. A smile a day keeps the misery at bay.

When you smile, you will naturally be joyful; thus, it is effortless. Plus, it will also instantly brighten up someone else’s day when you smile at someone. A smile begins with you. Surely that must bring more smiles to your face.

A smile a day keeps the misery at bay.

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Accepting what is

In Compassion, Coping Strategies, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Trust, Wellness

Acceptance, according to Buddhist principles, is the belief in accepting what is. Accepting life as it comes. Accepting one’s responsibility and action. Accepting one’s personality and qualities, both positive and negative. It is a concept that embraces karma as well as fate. It is a way of going with what is rather than resist and become distressed with what is not. It means surrendering control and power to the unforeseeable forces of nature and the universal laws of cause and effect. It can be an unfamiliar and challenging notion to practice if you have strong precedence to control your life. To begin accepting what is means letting go of the locus of control. Letting go of what you think you have control of in your life.

Acceptance is a concept of belief that recognises the validity of a thing or situation as it is. It is a conscious act with a positive intention for open-mindedness. It is to perceive something or a problem with a realistic view without judgement, assumption or supposition. In Psychology, acceptance is a catharsis, and it is a process of healing our cognition and emotion. But, if we can extend acceptance to all aspect of our lives and ourselves, we can come to a place of peace.

However, to accept something or someone, we need to understand ourselves implicitly. It means looking within to check our belief system, mindset, prejudices and judgement that we hold from our lived experiences. It is about observing our ethical and moral values. As social beings, humans are generally easily influenced, and our actions impact those around us. As we are influenced by others, we believe some of the things others say, especially those we idealised. As we accept those individuals, we are shaped by those in our environment in conformity. If something that we received differs from those we already believed, there will be an internal conflict. If we are stifled by others for our unique thinking, we may become a scapegoat or an outcast, which also causes inner dissonance.

To be able to accept what is, here are a few tips that I have tried and tested. They are the tools and strategies that work for me over the years in training and practising as a therapist. They may seem like common sense, but sometimes the simplest things are most effective.

“The greatest gift of enlightenment to give to anyone is to share it.” – Buddha.

Here are some helpful tips to accepting what is

  • Letting go of things (and people) that are unhelpful to you for the moment while you work through your processes and learning how to accept what is. This could mean walking away from a difficult situation without a resolution. It could also mean physically letting go of your attachment to those things and people, and you will need to be disciplined in sticking to your decision. I found it most challenging to let of an unhealthy friendship. Even with positive intention, you cannot control the reaction that will be present in the other when they feel rejected as you let go of the relationship.
  • Recognise that you can change the thing that you can and cannot change the thing that you cannot. This is about realising what is within your control and boundary. You can change your behaviours and your actions, but you cannot change those in others.
  • Acknowledge the loss of letting go. When you consciously acknowledge something, you have an understanding of it happening, even if you have a belief around it. You might believe that you needed some space to work through an emotional reaction to something that a friend has said. As you let go of the relationship to process your response, you will experience a loss. The loss needs to be processed, and by giving yourself time, you are working through forgiving your grief.
  • Find your pleasure and soothe yourself in the learning process and in the grief. We often take self-care for granted, but it is now one of my favourites. Finding what makes you happy and joyous is a way to appreciate ourselves. You can easily build a self-care ritual into your daily routine. The trick is to find that joy. In the learning process, you can explore what makes you smile. In the grieving process, you can find what will comfort those tears. In the anxieties of facing the unresolved situation, you might discover that mindfulness help. Use your inner healer or go on an inner vacation with these meditations.
  • See, feel and know that it is not personal. Set your intentions to honestly look at the situation. Feel and experience the tension so that you can learn from it. Acknowledge what happened has a reason, even if this reasoning is not yet clear to you. Even if you suspect ill-intention from others, you can say to yourself internally that this too shall pass. You cannot change the way other feels. You can only change your perception.
  • Adopt a self-forgiveness policy. Forgiveness is a process or action that pardon someone, something or ourselves. It can be difficult, but with practice, you can learn it too. Forgiveness is about removing the blame from the other, including yourself. It is about having compassion for your action, response and those of others too. Forgiveness works well with love and understanding in conjunction with a compassionate mind.
  • Surrender. When you stop resisting, you will become receptive to the situation, a thing and people. To surrender means to let go and submit to what is. This is not the same as giving up, however. When you surrender to what is, you are opening up to spirituality and faith. This is a soulful experience of relinquishing control and trusting in life and the universe. The intention is to release the embodied experience and free the spirit to the constraint of the existential dilemma. It is similar to letting to, but you are doing it at the soul level. Try meditation and work on developing trust.

Accepting what is is a personal challenge that I sometimes struggle with because mistakes happen in the reality of a situation, especially in a relationship. It is an ongoing process, and one should not place emphasis on achieving and then forgetting it. It is not about ticking the box, and you are done with it. But, the more you practice and adopt this way of being, the more familiar you will become with accepting things, situation, people, life and yourself.

“Peace comes from within. Do not resist it.” – Buddha.

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Mental Health Awareness

In Compassion, Coping Strategy, Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Wellness

Mental health is a recognition of our psyche and our psychological wellness. It is a way of looking at the conditions of the mind and relating to the mind. And when we look at the psyche, we also need to consider the health of the mind. In an acknowledgement of our state of mind, we will understand and have an awareness of our mental health.

In the same way, as we take care of our physical health, the body. We would ensure that we get enough sleep, eat well, exercise and have adequate rests. It is now becoming more apparent that we would benefit from taking care of our mental health, the mind. It would ensure that we are mindful of reducing stress tension on the grey areas of the brain, improving planning, helping with problem-solving abilities, and enhancing concentration and mental clarity.

As a therapist, I work with clients to connect the body, feelings and mind to promote wholeness within an individual. However, in this month’s blog, I want to address the mental aspect of wellness and to be more aware of your mental health.

Mental health has been a challenge that has recently spiked on the global scale since the pandemic. It has long been a part of Western societies since the birth of psychiatry, and possibly longer than that. Mental disturbances are a challenge that poses psychological and physical discomfort in the individual. Mental disturbances can range from worrying about your loved ones to concern for their safety and welfare. It is any disturbances that are constructed in the mind. The longer we are exposed to these disturbances, the more problem it poses on our mental health. Thus, our mental wellness depends on the way we think and how we construct our inner world.

Not only that, there are some judgements towards people with mental health issues as well. There are also prejudices or preconceived ideas that people may have towards someone with mental health problems, not necessarily based on reasons or experiences. These individuals’ subjective experiences can often do more harm than good to any person experiencing mental illness or disorder. Within the awareness of mental health problems, I will also address the stigma behind mental health awareness.

To understand mental health further, I want to begin by highlighting the four primary types of mental illnesses. They include:

  • Anxiety disorders such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, extreme fears and phobias.
  • Depressive disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder and mood disorder.
  • Personality disorders such as maladaptive behaviour, self-defeating and self-destructive behaviour.
  • Psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia and psychosis.

These four major types of mental illnesses extend to other psychological conditions, potentially leading to poor mental health, especially over a long period of suffering. Our mental wellness includes all aspects of the mind, including our thinking, thought processes, the mental construct, perception, psychological framework, and social wellbeing.

The influences of those around us shaped our sense of Self. The conditioning and the way we were brought up will impact the mental aspect of our health. If we experienced a positive, nurturing, and supportive environment, we are likely to foster a healthy mental state. But, if our experience was negative, hostile and unsupportive, we are likely to have an adverse mental state. This can worsen our cognitive processes and further distort our inner view of the world.

“A negative mind will never give you a positive thoughts.” – Buddha.

Furthermore, when our mental being is fragile with a negative experiential outlook, we can become sensitive to experiences with others. As our feelings are heightened, our emotions might get the better of us. Before we become aware of our mental state, we have just control of our behaviour and action. As we internalised the external problem, we often conclude that we overreacted to a situation. However, that may not be the case. But, it is possible that, in the heat of the moment, our outburst was confused with it being exaggerated or misinterpreted as dramatic. As the individual suffering from mental health picks up these unhelpful cues, it can be read as insensitive or judgmental. This seemingly minor engagement can have a detrimental effect on a person with mental sensitivity.

Mental health awareness is the ability to develop compassion for ourselves and our mental construct as well as the mental capability of another. It is also about treating ourselves and others the way we would like to be treated. It is about watching our thoughts and thinking well of ourselves and others. Having an awareness of our thought processes give us realisation. In the realisation, we become compassionate with ourselves and how our mind works things out.

Here are my helpful tips on how to be more aware of your mental health wellbeing.

  • Watch your mental construct

Watch your internal self-talk. Watch how you talk to yourself, including the use of your language. Listen to how your mind makes sense of the situation, how you read things, and how it is constructed in your mental images.

For example, if you see yourself sitting in the waiting room, tapping your feet. The underlying observation might be that your behaviours indicated nervousness or impatience, depending on what follows your thoughts. Anxiety, for instance, is a construct that follows a set of behaviour and thought pattern.

  • Observe your inner feelings

“It is easier to see the faults in others and blame others than it is to look within and see our own faults.” – Buddha.

Observe your internal feelings and emotions in response to your behaviour and initial thoughts. Thoughts give rise to our internal state, which drives our behaviour and action. If you can recognise your inner feelings in response to your thinking, you can notice that you can own your emotions. Sometimes, we blame others or the situation for how it makes us feel, but if you are truly honest with yourself, you will see that your thoughts about the situation or person trigger your emotions and feelings. Isn’t it time you take responsibilities for how you think and feel?

In the above example, observing your inner feeling might include seeing what it is about waiting that is anxiety-provoking for you. Are you feeling nervous about the meeting, which then led you to tap your feet nervously?

“Be patient, be yourself, judge nothing and everything will come to you when the time is right.” – Buddha.

  • Notice your response to a situation

Notice your response to a situation or person. Notice your behaviours and reaction to a situation or person can help bring awareness to mental processes. Your response to others or condition depends on your subjective experiences. However, your personal experiences are not the whole of you. It is only a part of you as a whole. Having an understanding of your behaviour will you help maintain control of yourselves and your behaviour. It also projects confidence to others in the way you remained in control of yourself. If you cannot control yourself or your response, how do you expect others to respond to you?

  • Check your unconscious gain

“Appreciate what is and expect nothing because life is what is it.” – Buddha.

Unconscious gain is a complex mental process that the individual has no awareness of the self-serving proceeding activities. It is often an attempt to reduce anxieties and distress within oneself. Can you be honest with yourself and admit your unconscious gain? If you can be honest with yourself, you can begin to have a relationship with yourself. Being honest with yourself means acknowledging your behaviour, feelings and action. Can you recognise that you may have overreacted in a situation because you did not like being accused of something? Can you admit that you may have lost control in an attempt to defend yourself in an argument? Realising your unconscious gain behind your behaviours will help you understand your needs.

In the above example, the unconscious gain behind tapping your feet while in the waiting room might be your way of alleviating the inner nervousness.

“It is better to conquer yourself than win other’s battle. Then the victory is reward that no one can take away from you.” – Buddha.

  • Reframe your belief system

Reframing your belief system is simply a way to think differently about your belief system. It is about changing your mindset to mindful. It is a way of challenging your thoughts, beliefs and then change them. It is adaptive and flexible thinking.

A belief system is a mindset that you have established or learned based on lived experiences. It is your mind-set-in-stone. It is a rigid belief about something or someone. In contrast, mindfulness is a conscious and flexible approach to thinking. If you can challenge your idea, you can begin to improve your thought processes, leading to mental wellness.

Per the above example, you might have negative experiences of waiting for something or someone. Your negative experience might include negative feelings such as rejection. Thus, this might have given rise to a mindset that waiting will lead to bad news or bad feelings. If this was the belief, you could ask yourself, what evidence do you have that indicated that waiting (this time round) means that you will also receive bad news? Where is it written or documented that waiting equates to rejection? Remember that just because you had that bad experiences in the past does not mean that all future outcome will be the same.

Reframing your belief can be difficult if people around you still reinforces the idea. It would help if you have the will (volition) to challenge the thought. If you are struggling with reframing, ask yourself what the benefit of having the belief is? Who is benefiting from the mindset? How is the belief serve you?

“What you believe becomes your reality because the thoughts created in your mind, the mind makes it happens.” – The Law of Belief.

  • Challenge yourself to change the way you think

Challenge yourself to change your thinking pattern and find an alternate way to look at things. There is no wrong way to challenge your thoughts. Any form of challenge is the right way, I’d say. One of the easiest ways to challenge yourself is to question yourself—questions like why, what, or how are a great way to get your mind to rethink the problem. Why did I think that waiting here today, at this appointment, means that it will be the same as the last meeting? What makes me think that this appointment will turn out like the last one? How is this meeting the same as the previous?

You are more than your mind. Therefore, you are more than the way you think and what you think. Thinking is just what you happen to do because the brain does not shut up. Thoughts will always intrude on the psyche. But, thought forms, and then they disappear. When you give focus, attention and meaning to the ideas, your thinking and other thought-forms arise to become problematic. It is at this point that having a compassionate mind is helpful. If we fight against our thoughts, we are essentially fighting against ourselves. Let’s face it, why does anyone want that internal struggle.

Like anything in life, the more you practice, the more proficient you will become. Having an awareness of ourselves helps us to know more about our wellness. Plus, learning things about ourselves should be an enjoyable experience. What’s not to like about yourself?

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose, and you can find it by giving your heart and soul to the journey of discovery.” – Buddha.

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Heal while you sleep

In Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Motivation, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Sleep, Wellness

Generally, it is recommended that we have at least eight hours of sleep a night. That’s a third of our 24-hours day. I don’t know about you, but I don’t always get eight hours, even if I get to bed at a reasonable time. Why do many of us have trouble sleeping? I want to address this a little closer.

“Sleep is the best medicine.” – Dalia Lama.

Sleep is essential, and there are many health benefits. There are lots of literature on this topic and many helpful articles. Some of the advantages of a good night sleep include; rested body and rested mind, improve memory, concentration and cognitive functions, lower your blood pressure, reduces heart diseases, stress, depression and increase immunity. You will also be happy to know that a restful sleep can lead to weight loss as your body continues to produce hormones ghrelin and leptin while you enjoy your slumber.

During the nocturnal hours, your body’s naturally crave sleep because your internal biological clock or the circadian rhythm is synchronised with the day/night cycle of the diurnal rhythm. The circadian rhythms determine our physical, mental and behaviour changes in the flow of the 24-hour cycle. It is essentially your internal biological body clock. Whereas the diurnal cycle is any environmental pattern that recurs every 24 hours as one full rotation, such as the day/night or the high/low tide. Thus, it can be seen as an external environmental clock.

When these two rhythms are synchronised, your mind, body and state will benefit from nature therapy. As you sleep, your body works to repair your internal organs, muscles, cells and regenerates. Melatonin is a hormone naturally produced by the pineal gland during sleep. Deep in the brain, near the epithalamus, situated above the thalamus, is the pineal gland, also known as the ‘third eye’. Melatonin also helps to control your circadian rhythm and regulates health and healing hormones. Thus, you can heal yourself during your sleep.

There are many reasons why people experience sleeping problems from mild, acute to chronic sleep disorders such as insomnia, sleep apnea, narcolepsy, restless legs syndrome or REM sleep behaviour disorder such as sleepwalking.

The inability to sleep or sleep well at night depends on your internal and external stressors, mental states, food that you have eaten and health condition. Many other factors also prevent us from sleeping, include anxieties, traumas and crises can interfere with our sleep habit as we lay down to rest. Unfortunately, this cacophony rings in our mind, and it can ruminate in the psyche as we sleep, becoming a nightmare that disrupts our natural healing process. If you take your woes to bed, when you close your eyes and managed to get a wink of sleep, it won’t be long before the problem invades your dreams. What you mentally think about will become your mental reality within the dream state.

Many of us have trouble sleeping because we take these problems to bed with us. I’ve done it. I had a bad day and could not shake off something that happened that day. As I replayed these in my mind, in bed, they became my nightmare.

Have you ever gone to bed after an argument? Or, after emotional distress such as being made redundant, how did you sleep? Restless, I wager.

How to heal yourself in your sleep? Let me share what works for me.

  • Pre-bedtime slow down

Have a goal in mind for your bedtime (sleep time). This is a time that you want to be in bed, lights out, eyes shut and breathing easily.

Make your preparation for slowing down and winding down. Begin to relax.

Have a glass or bottle of water ready for bedtime, if required.

Keep other electronics blue lights out of the bedroom, as this disrupts the sleep cycle. Turn off electronic devices.

Brush your teeth and have your comfort break. I often find that washing my face often help. If you are a night-time shower person, this works, as water is soothing and calming.

Get into your PJ if you wear clothes to bed.

  • Build a bedtime ritual that works for you

I firmly believe that rituals are helpful. Have a bedtime routine and pattern that you stick to help you build a structure around your sleeping habit. I cannot stress the importance of sticking to your routines and think positively about enjoying the mundane.

For me, I have a bedtime alarm set daily at 22.00 hour. This gives me half an hour of downtime before I get in bed at 22.30.

  • Make time for relaxation or meditation before bedtime

I give myself around 10-15 minutes for relaxation. In that time, I may mediate or listen to soothing, relaxing music to ease myself to sleep. You might find my Evening Review meditation script helpful. Some people watch TV in bed, I think it is a personal choice for everyone. Some people read to relax. The trick here is not to be engrossed in the activity.

  • Self-Hypnosis and breathing

By 23.00, lights out for me, regardless of whether my husband or I am ready. I turned off the light.

I have trained myself to sleep as soon as my head is on the pillow. I can be fast asleep almost immediately in bed. But occasionally, might not be able to get to sleep. I noticed that I had ruminated over some event during the day or upcoming. In this instance, I recite my script and begin self-hypnosis or observe my breathing. I focused on my breathing, the rise and fall of each breath, and counted backwards from 100 to 1. I have never reached number one because I was always asleep way before this.

Then, you simply allow the body to do the rest. The more you relax when you are in bed, the more your body heal. God bless, sleep tight.

However, I am aware that some people have adverse experiences due to historical trauma and wounding. If this is your case, I would recommend seeking further help through counselling, as these bedbugs will continue to disrupt your sleep.

“Sleep is the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together..” – Thomas Dekker.

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Loving oneself is Self-care

In Inspiration, Mental Wellbeing, Self Help, Self-care, Self-Development, Uncategorized, Wellness

As a therapist, self-care is an essential ritual for lone workers. We were advised that self-care practices are necessary for the body, mind and spirit. I have always make time for daily routines which helped me balance work, life, and personal joy.

Self-care aims to relax, unwind, and maintain a healthy state of being with oneself and one-spirit. It is a set of routines and practices that help to boost physical, psychological and emotional states. Think of self-care as healing practices for the body, mind and soul. The nurturing ritual helps prevent exertion, exhaustion and burnt-out. Self-care strategy will be different for everyone because it has a purpose attached to the practice. Some people find running as a self-care ritual more useful than others. Some people prefer a relaxing bubble bath with soothing music. And some prefer to be comfortable by the fire. Whatever the ritual, it is vital to adopt self-care practices that work for you.

There are many examples of self-care, including regular exercise, eating well, getting enough sleep, be in nature and taking frequent breaks or rest. But, it might help to think of self-care as a fun part of your daily ritual, rather than something you are compelled to do, like a chore. I emphasise fun and playful activities that you enjoy on a daily basis because sometimes we think of self-care only periodically.

Thus, I am sharing some of my essential daily self-care rituals here. I hope you find it helpful, and perhaps it might inspire to think of your own.

  • Make time for yourself.

One of the important thing for me is me-time. It is a time set aside to be alone with your thoughts, with your feeling and emotion, whatever they may be. It is a time that I am still, contemplative and peaceful. I often do this outside, standing in nature watching, listening to birds or the howling of the wind. Feeling the cool breeze on my face, I stood appreciatively. Making time to appreciate being with oneself in the stillness. It is about being alone with the whole of yourself. This is simply about making time to be.

  • Make time for meditation

Meditation is about an observation of the stillness within and of the mind. It is about being with that stillness and being inside our psyche. There is a misconception that busy-mind makes meditation difficult, and it is not just about the breath. But, this is precisely when one should consider meditation. Meditation is a tool to help the busy-ness of the mind and listen to our internal voices, and that is when you become aware of your breathing.

You can do meditation almost anywhere, but not while operating any machine or driving. You can do walking meditation, sitting down meditation and laying down meditation.

The mind never sleeps. The conscious mind is continually evaluating the input from our senses. The unconscious mind never shut off because it automates body regulatory, circuitry systems, such as keeping a steady sinus rhythm. Meditation is a state of being still in the body so that you can go within the psyche to observe thoughts, listen to what you are thinking about and notice comes up for you when cognitively being aware of what is in your mind. What you think you will manifest. Be sure to think only positive thoughts.

  • Have love in your heart

Self-care is about self-love and loving oneself and one’s shadows. Tell yourself that you love yourself is not narcissistic unless you adversely admire yourself adoringly. This is more of a confirmation for self to build inner confidence. It is also about one part of yourself telling another part that you love the unloveable. I think that if we can express self-love, we can then express that love to another. We have to hold love ourself before we can demonstrate love another. In so doing, we can know intimately how we feel loved, then we can share it.

A loving act for me includes feeling joyful, having fun and laughing at myself, lovingly. It is ultimately a knowing that you embrace with heart and soul. It is enough to say things like; I love my hair today, I love how I handle that argument today, I love the way I spoke my truth, even though not everyone agreed. It is quite alright to say; I love my voice, I love my flaws, etc. Whatever you dislike about yourself, try to reverberate your thoughts by expressing and vocalising your love, out loud.

  • Find a way to have fun or something that makes you smile.

This is my favourite, and every day is an exciting challenge (and I say this with a smile) to find or do. It is often fun that put a smile on my face and on those of another. It does not take much. A friend once said to me:

“A smile begins with you.”

I smiled when I walked around the house, and my cuddlies are moved from the bed. The plush toys would appear in the room when my back is turned. My husband moved them into the room I happened to be, of course. Then, I walked them back to another auspicious location where they will be found by him. We have this game throughout the day, and it is fun for both of us. I may be watching the dishes, and then my favourite plush toy appears on the table behind me. These are moments of joy.

“Smile and the whole world will smile with you.” – Stanley Gordon West.

Doing something fun for me is simply doing something that makes me and another smile, laugh and affectionate. Doing something nice for another to make them smile or laugh always bring a smile to my face. It will be different for everyone, and it is deeply personal and subjective. I also find rearranging my house fun. It is both practical and catharsis as I let go of the old. I find pottering fun as I get my hands dirty in the dirt, connecting to the Earth helps ground me to Gaia. I find filing fun as I mindfully organise paperwork. And I also find making soup fun.

What is your fun?

  • Find your grooming ritual

A healthy body equals a healthy mind. I love spending time painting my toenails, but not my fingernails so much. I find that self-care is also body-care. I like my hair brushed, despite leaving long strand all around the house. Sometimes, I think we take grooming for granted because we do it every day. But, if you contemplate your grooming acts, notice how much more enjoyable it is. For me, each brushstroke is a sensation that I feel energetically, as an individual strand of hair is being stroked.

It is essential to maintain a healthy body through a grooming ritual. I love getting my hair wash, cut and blow-dry.  But, the feel of water on my skin really what I love.

Water has healing nourishing and nurturing properties, which is why it is used in many religious rituals. Next time you are in the shower, feel the sensation of each water droplets on your skin.

Self-grooming is both holistic and therapeutic for the body, mind and spirit. When the body feels good, so does the mind. You know what makes you feel good when it comes to taking care of your body. It is merely to do more of that.

  • Organise your space

Personally, I feel that organising the physical space in the home, work and life gives me a sense of orderliness. But it is more than neatness, cleanliness and tidiness. It helps me manage the internal psyche if my physical space is clutter-free and systematic. It is a way to methodically organise my internal world if my outer world is orderly. I’d already mentioned that it is fun to rearrange my bookcases, clothes, kitchen cupboards etc. It is also therapeutic to organise the spaces around me, as I, mindfully, restructure my outer world. Moreover, in the organisation, I am also letting go of the tension, stress and worries that were attached to the material items. Yet, it is also about rearranging the space, files or library of repertoire, in the mind, as well as the physical space.

With the looming uncertainties within the outer world, there is a clear need for self-care rituals. Especially when we are currently in another lockdown and our days, weeks are becoming a blur. As each day blend into yet another day, the mundane can become repetitive, and we can lose track of the days. It is more crucial than ever to maintain a healthy mindset with self-care rituals that work for you. If you can tap into your creativity, why not make the mundane into something fun. Perhaps you like dancing, why not dance around while you work. Perhaps you like singing, sing while you work. You know where I am going with this.

So, what are you waiting for? Get creative and find your self-care rituals. I’d love to hear what works for you.

Do you find this blog helpful? If you like this post, I love to hear from you on my Twitter Page.

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